Would You Like That McTentacle Supersized?

There's no question they're popular, with more than 350 Gindaco shops in Japan, Hong Kong and Taiwan. And they're planning to open their first outlet in Los Angeles next year. What are people chowing down on? Takoyaki, or what you and I call octopus dumplings. If it catches on can the McOctopus sandwich, Ultimate Octopus Chalupa^TM, and Western Bacon Octopus Dumpling be far behind?

Cell Phone Intoxication

A study by researchers at the University of Utah that was published in the journal Human Factors found that drivers who talk on cell phones are as dangerous and impaired as those who drive drunk. They're also not having as much fun, aren't slurring their words when they talk, and generally remember the name of the person they find in their bed the next morning.

The McBoullion Burger

The Old Homestead Steakhouse in Boca Raton, FL, is selling a $100 hamburger, which bests the $41 burger served at the New York City branch. It weighs 20 ounces, is made of beef from three continents - American, Japanese, and Argentine - and comes with organic greens, exotic mushrooms and tomatoes. Tax and tip not included. Oh yeah, neither is the $40,000 entry fee to the Boca Raton Resort & Club where the restaurant is located, nor the $3,600 a year dues.

Sleep More, Smoke More, Lose Weight

A report published in the International Journal of Obesity lists the Top 10 Reasons People Are Obese. It includes getting too little sleep, living in air conditioned and heated houses, smoking less, and "assortative mating," which means fat people prefer to mate with fat people, thus perpetuating the gene pool. Interestingly, portion size, the invention of fried Twinkies, and never getting up off the couch except to get more fried Twinkies didn't make the list.

Doggy Style Economics 101

First Bill Gates says he's going to step down from day-to-day activities at Microsoft so he can spend more time giving away big bundles of his $47 billion. Now Warren Buffett says he's going to turn over much of his $44 billion fortune to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to, well, give away for him. I have an idea. Why don't companies just charge us less all along, make less exorbitant profits, find CEOs who can be satisfied with bank accounts in the millions instead of billions, and save themselves the trouble of having a late life epiphany that they should give away the zillions of dollars they got from us in the first place? We could call it Greedless Capitalism. Or the Closer to Free Market System. Or maybe How Many Zeroes Does a Person Need. Feel free to send my name to Stockholm for the Nobel Prize in Economics.

Putting The Nut In Fluffernutter

Legislators are often accused of adding pork to their politics, but in Massachusetts the current session is full of fluff. Or should I say, Fluff^®. As in Marshmallow Fluff. You know, the fat-free, gooey, super sweet component of a Fluffernutter sandwich. It started when State Sen. Jarrett Barrios proposed a law that would ban schools from serving Fluffernutters more than once a week. State Rep. Kathi Anne Reinstein retaliated by introducing a bill that would make the Fluffernutter the state sandwich, right alongside the state bean (baked navy), state beverage (cranberry juice), and state muffin (corn). Hopefully they'll either find something important to debate or go on summer break soon.

This Old Cat House

Now that American Idol is taking a break before season number 2,874 hits the airwaves, what's a hard core reality TV fan to do? Tune in Meow Mix House, a show airing on Animal Planet where homeless cats compete. Or rather they sit in a storefront in Manhattan waiting for people to go to www.meowmixhouse.com and hopefully not vote them off. You'd think they'd take a tip from Survivor and have a contest to see who can torture a rat the longest without killing it. Or from Fear Factor where they'd have to eat gross things like Rocky Mountain Dog Oysters left over from neutering. But no, they'll compete for the loudest purr, the most prolific sleeper and who can catch the most toy mice. *YAWN* I wonder what's on the Golf Channel tonight?

But This Is A Hobby

Fifteen-year-old Gaurav Raja set the North American record for reciting pi. You know, as in 3.14159 blah blah blah. He recited about two numbers per second for one hour, 14 minutes and 28 seconds. Don't bother pulling out the calculator, that comes to 10,980 digits. Of course he's still only ranked ninth in the world. The record is 42,195 digits. And to think, I have trouble with my social security number.

Vee Haf Vays To Make You Change Your Mind

Pentagon officials say they'll make public all of the military's interrogation techniques when they release the new version of the Army Field Manual rather than keep some secret by putting them in a classified section. The decision came after months of pressure from members of Congress. Not to mention being forced to undergo the Water Board Interrogation (Method #143), Extended Sleep Deprivation (#14zzzzzzz), Dog Nipping at Genitals (#274B), and You're Beautiful (listening to James Blunt for 24 straight hours).

Where Not Only The Prices Are High

Three people in different parts of Massachusetts bought bathroom vanities at Home Depot recently and found more than installation instructions inside. One found two 50-pound bricks of marijuana, another found 3 kilograms of cocaine and 40 pounds of marijuana, and the third isn't saying. Or maybe the third can't talk at the moment. Remember, always follow the instructions when installing a bathroom vanity and "Do not mount too high."

Hurt Feelings

A new government decree in Vietnam will ban patrons of karaoke bars from drinking liquor. That's right, sober karaoke. Now there's a concept. Morris Albert, who wrote the song Feelings, is filing for bankruptcy.

What's A Few Minutes Amongst Friends?

Major General William Caldwell on Abu Musav al-Zarqawi's death:
June 8 - "That is correct. He was dead when we arrived there."
June 10 - "Everybody re-secured him back onto the stretcher, but he died almost immediately thereafter."
June 12 - "Zarqawi died 52 minutes after the airstrike."
June 15 - "Despite our best efforts, he didn't make it until morning."
June 18 - "After three days, al-Zarqawi passed."
June 20 - "He's still in critical condition and resting comfortably. He's been moved to a semi-private room with Generalísimo Francisco Franco."

Drink To Your Health

Just when you thought you were going to have to give up beer and turn entirely to red wine because studies have shown that it can lower the risk of heart disease, fight off colds, prevent herpes, and make members of the opposite sex think you're refined, along comes news that an ingredient in beer may be good for your prostate. If you have one, that is. Researchers at Oregon State say a compound found in hops, xanthohumol, prevents prostate cancer and enlargement. The downside is you have to drink more than 17 beers to receive the benefits. Actually, that may be the upside.

Moved - Left No Forwarding Address

Years ago I moved into a rented house and found a crutch, religious tracts, a couple of women's housecoats, lots of plastic flowers and some Playboys inside. I tried to figure out who could have lived there before me. Yesterday it was announced that when the military searched the rubble of the house Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was in when he was blasted to virgin heaven they found magazines, a religious slogan, a picture of Franklin D. Roosevelt, a leopard-print nightgown, other women’s clothes and "a white man’s shirt." Or maybe that's supposed to be a man's white shirt. Could it have been al-Zarqawi who lived in the house on Cherry St. before I moved in?

Gentlemen, Start Your Thetans

In an attempt to mold itself more and more to their top cheerleader's career, The Church of Scientology has taken a page from Days of Thunder and is sponsoring a NASCAR race car. And why not, one car already has "Racing With Jesus" painted on it. All we need is a Buddha Buggy, Mohammedmobile, and Super Shiva 500 and we'll find out once and for all whose god comes in first. vroooOOOOMMMM!

Rock...Paper....Law Brief!

A federal judge who got tired of two lawyers constantly bickering in court ordered them to meet on the courthouse steps for a modern day duel, ordering them to resolve their latest spat by playing "one (1) game of 'rock, paper, scissors.' " Each accompanied by a court-ordered paralegal as their second, of course. If it goes well, the now legitimized dispute resolution technique could be used by Congress to work out differences in the immigration bill, by Israel and Palestine to agree on a border, by the United Nations to keep John Bolton busy and out of the way in the back hallway, and by Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to settle their feud once and for all.

Sorry, Armageddon Has Been Postponed

The dreaded 6/6/06 passed without the world ending, much to the chagrin of the people who took up BetUS.com's 10-to-1 odds that the event would happen, obviously not thinking about how they'd collect should they actually win the bet. Meanwhile, the Angels beat the Devils yesterday. Okay, it was the Devil Rays, and it was baseball, but that's close enough. And the opening of the remake of The Omen brought a couple of not-as-horrible-as-it-could-have-been reviews. 6/6/06. Ah, what a difference an extra zero can make.

[Thanks Jeff!]

A Smashing Good Time

Do you scream at the driver in front of you who's going too slow? Fling ash trays across the room because you can't find the Cheeto that looks like Abe Lincoln you had stashed under the seat cushion? Hey, you're not a bad person, you might have IED, Intermittent Explosive Disorder. A study released in the Archives of General Psychiatry says 16 million Americans may suffer from this behavior disorder. That's a lot of cursing. It won't be long before there's a telethon to help find a cure ("WHY AREN'T YOU DONATING MORE MONEY GODDAMMIT!!!"), pop groups will band together — spearheaded by Smash Mouth — to record a charity song, and we'll all apologize to Naomi Campbell, Jack Nicholson, and Russell Crowe for scorning them when they've thrown things in rage.

A Festival With Balls

If you think you have balls, you should have been in Woodruff, Utah, this past weekend for the Black Gold Cattle Co. Testicle Festival. They had a rodeo, lots of country music, and in honor of the cowboy practice of eating the testicles of calves that have been neutered and bulls that have been put out to permanent pasture, lots of delicious, yummy, mouth watering deep fried Rocky Mountain oysters. One festival-goer said, "They're tasteless, but it's the thought." Isn't that the way with so many things?

Hello, Is Satan There?

Last week the telephone company in Qatar held a charity auction, with the winner bidding $2.75 million for the cell phone number 666-6666. This far outstripped the previous high which was when a Chinese man paid $508,115.74 for the phone number 888-8888. It's unknown how much Hollywood paid to buy the number 555-5555 which is, of course, used in movies. And somehow everyone in every movie has. We can only hope that the Qatari man who owns the most expensive cell phone number in the world uses a $1 million cell phone and will watch Million Dollar Baby on it.

Holy Gender Confusion, Batman!

At the age of 50, and 27 years after she retired from comic books, Batwoman is back and coming out of the Batcloset. That's right, in July's edition of the "52" comic book series it's disclosed that she's a lesbian. Could she have been living with Catwoman all those retirement years? It shouldn't come as any great surprise. After all, most of the superheroes run around all pumped up and wearing tights, Batman has been living with a young boy for years, and if Wonder Woman isn't into bondage with all those ropes and super bracelets, I don't know who is.

Putting The Party In Political Party

Netherlands has a new political party, Naastenliefde, Vrijheid en Diversiteit (NVD), which translates as Charity, Freedom and Diversity. Their goal? To lower the legal age for sexual relations to 12 and eventually eliminate the limit altogether. They haven't announced their campaign slogans, but possibilities include: "Politics is child's play", "We're just KIDding around", and "Hairless today, in office tomorrow."