You've Got Mail...

...you just don't have a job anymore. Tuesday, Radio Shack fired 403 employees. By email. But it's not all that bad, really. After all, employees were told in early August that about 400 emails would be sent out at 8:45 am on August 29, so it's not like they weren't prepared to be sitting in front of their computers checking email then. The unlucky ones got a warm, personal message saying: "The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately your position is one that has been eliminated." Shares of RadioShack rose 29 cents, or 1.6 percent, to close at $18.21 Wednesday on the New York Stock Exchange.

The Katie Couric Miracle Diet

Now YOU can lose pounds quickly and safely, without having to give up those high calorie foods you love. It worked for Katie Couric, it can work for YOU! See the evidence in these photos of Katie, the first from a CBS promotional presentation in May, the second from the September issue of Watch magazine, which is owned by CBS. Yes, these amazing results can be YOURS too! Don't delay! Buy your copy of the Katie Couric Miracle Diet Plan HERE!

The New York Scratch 'N Sniff Times

Move over, movie critics. Edit your articles tighter, book reviewers. The New York Times needs the space now that it has its first perfume critic. Chandler Burr, who had to be given the job with a name like that, is writing "Scent Strip," in which he'll be reviewing old and new fragrances and perfumed candles. Honestly. In the premier column Sunday, he opened by saying, "Darkness, when it is crystalline and somewhat luminous, may be the most difficult quality to capture in a perfume." and goes on to say that "Jo Malone’s perfume genius, by contrast, is light. Not light as in the antonym of heavy, but light as in photon radiation." Pass the English Leather, please.

Now This Is Tongue in Cheek

Doctors at the Oncology Clinic at the General Hospital in Gliwice, Poland, removed Jarislav Ernst's tongue because of cancer. They then took skin, fat and nerve tissue from his buttocks, formed it into a new tongue, and sewed it into his mouth. So far only three friends, two doctors, and six nurses have made jokes about Ernst having taste in his ass.

Short People Got No Reason To Live After All

Researchers have long known that tall people earn more money than short folks. Well now a paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research shows that tall people are flat out smarter than the height-challenged. You can read the paper here. You can get lifts for your shoes here. And you can get stilts here.

I Say, Old Cow

A group of British farmers claim their cows moo with an accent. "I spend a lot of time with my Friesians and they definitely 'moo' with a Somerset drawl," one of the farmers said. At least that's what the reporter thinks he said. It was tough to be sure since the farmer's Somerset accent was pretty thick.

And Then There Were Eight

For the first time since 1930, Pluto is no longer a planet. That's right, it's busted, demoted, stripped of its status and sent to a corner of the solar system to sit wearing a dunce cap until it learns how to behave. After much debate at the International Astronomical Union meeting in Prague, a vote was taken and since Pluto's oblong orbit overlaps with Neptune's, it was thrown out of the solar system. From now on, Pluto is a cartoon dog, the god of the underworld, an airline in the United Arab Emirates, and a big chunk of rock orbiting our sun. But it's not a planet, dammit. Now we return to our regularly scheduled quest for world peace, still in progress.

Savings English Kids From Themselves

First the British media watchdog Ofcom forced Turner Broadcasting's Boomerang cable channel to edit out smoking scenes from 56-year-old Tom and Jerry cartoons. Luckily the duo can still beat each other senseless with hammers and axes all they want. Then the Advertising Standards Authority yanked a government radio commercial that advertised a web site that teaches children how to stay safe online because if you misspell the web site address — www.thinkuknow.co.uk — by spelling "you" correctly, you get to a site that has links to adult material. Careful now, only those upper lips are supposed to be stiff.

She Took The Words Right Out Of Our Mouths

Paris the album — as opposed to Paris the jet-setter, Paris the fashion don't, and Paris the Reality TV embarrassment — is being released today. A single, Stars Are Blind, is already #18 on Billboard's Hot 100 chart. In the September issue of Blender, Paris says, "I, like, cry, when I listen to it." It's safe to say she probably speaks for us all.

I Still Like Ike

Nevada state controller Kathy Augustine lost her bid to be the Republican candidate for state treasurer, only receiving 20% of the votes. Actually, that's not bad when you consider she died over a month before last week's election.

Oh, And About That Judge Crater Guy...

Doubts are being raised about the veracity of John Mark Karr's confession to having murdered Jon Benet Ramsey. Authorities are investigating this as well as his claims that he's been sharing an apartment in Bangkok with Jimmy Hoffa, meets Amelia Earhart for pad thai every Wednesday, took all the loot from Al Capone's vault, and once had a date with the Tooth Fairy. Okay, her 7-year-old daughter.

The Fountain Of Smoke And Mirrors

David Copperfield, the self-proclaimed illusionist who made the Statue of Liberty, a Lear jet and Claudia Schiffer all disappear, claims to have done what Ponce de Leon only dreamed of — discover the legendary "Fountain of Youth." He found it on one of four islands he bought in the Bahamas for $50 million as a private rent-a-resort. "You can take dead leaves, they come in contact with the water, they become full of life again," he told Reuters in an interview. Copperfield, who turns 50 next month, hopes to look like a teenager next week.

Out In The Sun Too Long?

If you're looking to enter a weird contest and don't want to eat 30 bowls of Cream of Wheat in 10 minutes, head to Ocean City, NJ this week. It's Weird Contest Week, and you know if it's got the official name it's the real thing. Monday was the salt water taffy sculpture contest while Tuesday saw French fry sculpting. Today is Tastykake-sculpting (see an artistic theme here?), Thursday is the wet T-shirt throwing contest, and Friday has the biggies — the Little Mr. and Little Miss Chaos pageants and the Mr. and Miss Miscellaneous pageants. If you're looking to enter the Putrid Pun Contest and Miscellaneous Sun Tan Tournament, stay home. They've dumped them. Cheeses priced! Is nothing sacred?

Put On Your Life Breast, Now!

Rushed to the hospital after being wounded in a Hizbollah rocket attack, an Israeli woman's life was saved by her breast implants. Doctors discovered shrapnel embedded in her silicone implants, just inches from her heart, which they say saved her life. In response, the Pentagon has announced that, as added protection, all new military recruits will undergo breast enhancement surgery while in boot camp.

Don't Have A Chinese Cow, Man!

Step aside Bart, Mickey, and Pikachu. As of September 1, China is banning all foreign cartoons from being broadcast during prime time in order to give Chinese animators a chance. This is on the heels of recent rules that TV stations have to limit foreign programming, stop airing scary movies during prime time, and have hosts dress more conservatively and use fewer English words. You know, like "freedom." In trade retaliation, no restaurant in the United States will serve kung pao chicken after 6:00 pm, on Fridays we'll all be required to use Fiesta dinnerware instead of our good china, and all Chinese fire drills will be suspended until further notice.

I Like Big (Ant) Butts

For centuries people in northern Colombia have been eating hormiga culona, or big-butt queen ants, not just for the taste, but because they think it's an aphrodisiac and wards off cancer. Of course if you buy them at Harrods in London — which you can — they're hand-dipped in Belgian chocolate and will run you $8 for a half dozen. The first crunch is said to taste like popcorn, then you get a spurt of juices and swallow the legs. Can McAnts, Dunkin' Ants, and a tie-in with ipecac be far behind?

Taking The Rocking And Rolling Out Of Rock 'N Roll

Saying the show broke decency regulations, the Malaysian government fined the promoter of a Pussycat Dolls show $2,714. Guidelines the government instituted last year say artists may not jump, shout, or throw objects onstage. An approved set list could include quiet versions of Girlfriend in a Coma, Stand by Your Man, Sitting by The Dock of the Bay, and Don't Say a Word.

It's Not Easy Being Sleazy

The late Jim Henson's son Brian, who directed Muppet Christmas and Treasure Island, is putting on an adults-only puppet show at the Edinburgh Fringe arts festival. By day, he and his puppeteers do an improv show for kids, by night it becomes rude, lewd, and crude. Don't be surprised if his next movie is The Muppets Do Manhattan, it includes songs like The Gay Pride Rainbow Connection and Miss Piggy's BDSM Fantasy, and it features guest visits from Chris Rock, Ron Jeremy, and Jenna Jamison.

And You Think You Feel Like A Fool

Peterkin the Fool, Britain's first official jester in more than 350 years, completed a 100-mile, nearly month-long jig across the country to honor one of his most famous predecessors. In a bow to the 21st century, he kept a blog along the way. But in keeping with tradition he treated the blisters he got en route in the time-honored way fools have done it for centuries — with his own urine. And yes, he gets paid for this.

It's All A Mirage

The first of Dubai's artificial islands is almost ready for people to move in. Palm Jumeirah is a 12-square-mile group of palm-shaped islands which are being built from millions of tons of trucked-in Persian Gulf sand and rock. This isn't surprising when you realize that Dubai has a giant indoor ski park in the desert complete with man-made snow, a water park that has fake thunderstorms, a fake hotel, and Michael Jackson. Yes, nothing is real in Dubai.

I Do Believe...I Do Believe....I Do Believe...

In spite of UN inspectors and the Iraq Survey Group declaring that Iraq had dismantled its chemical, biological and nuclear arms programs in 1991, 50% of the Americans recently polled said they believe Iraq had WMDs when the U.S. invaded in 2003, up from the 36% who believed it last year. The study also found that 42% believe the harder you work the more money you'll make, 72% believe in the Easter Bunny, and 68% think the 911 WTC attack occurred on September 11th.

Frankly My Dear, I Don't Give A Damn

During a Defense Department news briefing on Tuesday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said about Iraq: "It seems to me that it is not a classic civil war at this stage. It certainly isn't like our Civil War." He's got a point. There's no slavery involved, neither side is wearing blue or gray uniforms, and they live in the same neighborhoods, not north or south of each other. Next question!

Freedom No More

Three years after renaming french fries "Freedom Fries" because they were upset at France for not backing the war with Iraq, the cafeteria of the House of Representatives has gone back to the original name. However, in protest over the fighting in the Middle East, they're now referring to orange juice as "Orange non-Christians."

Plasma TV's Are A Girl's Best Friend

A survey by Oxygen Network found that 77 percent of women would prefer a new plasma television over a diamond solitaire necklace, with 56 percent opting for the TV instead of a weekend vacation in Florida. Heck, 86 percent said they'd rather have a new digital video camera than a pair of designer shoes! Wow, Sony beat out Manolo Blahnik. Carrie Bradshaw must be turning over in her syndicated grave.

If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands

A British scientist studied data from 178 countries and 100 studies and deduced that Denmark is the happiest country, while Burundi is the unhappiest. Meanwhile, a study released in the Archives of General Psychiatry found that, Santa Claus, Louis Anderson and Kirstie Alley notwithstanding, fat people are not, in fact, jolly. They're depressed. Just be grateful you're not a fat person in Burundi. Talk about being miserable.