Would You Vote For Someone With A Face Like Yours?

You think it's tough choosing a candidate in an election? Try being in Finland where there are 800 candidates running in the March parliamentary election. Sure you could just choose the former Miss Universe or former Miss Europe, who are both running, but that's not very scientific. Luckily a company that makes face recognition software has come to the rescue. Just go to their site, upload a photo of yourself, and it will tell you which candidates look the most like you. Imagine, egocentricism without the ego!

[The images at the left were the top choices based on my photo. I feel so flattered.]

Do As I Say, Not As You Can Do

Rosie Costello of Washington admitted she taught her two children, who are now in their 20's and keeping up the act, to fake being retarded so she could collect more than $330,000 from Social Security and state social services agencies. It was easy. All they had to do was imitate Mom.

Stamps, Like Diamonds, May Soon Be Forever

The Postal Regulatory Commission has put in a request to raise first-class rates to 42 cents, boost the cost of mailing a postcard 3 cents, and sell a special first-class stamp that will always be good no matter how high the rates go. That's right, the Forever Stamp, as it's being called, would be a great hedge against inflation, not to mention a wonderful investment for your 401(k). If it works out, soon you'll be able to invest in Postage Stamp Futures. Like the idea? Don't call your Congressman, TALK TO CHUCK!

Love Means Having To Say You're Sorry Sooner Or Later

The Virginia General Assembly voted unanimously to express "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery as well as for the "exploitation of Native Americans." Now if they'd only apologize for Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and George Allen all will be forgiven.

If He Quacks Up Like A Duct

It turns out that duct tape, which will fix just about anything and supposedly get rid of warts, is also good for restraining out of control astronauts. According to NASA's written procedures for dealing with a suicidal or psychotic astronaut in space, the astronaut's crewmates should bind his wrists and ankles with duct tape, fasten him down with a bungee cord, and if need be, inject him with tranquilizers. It looks like the book is going to have to be retitled "1002 Uses For Duct Tape."

Mistaken Identity

A gunman burst in during a performance of a traveling circus in the eastern Colombian town of Cucuta on Wednesday and started firing, shooting and killing two clowns. In his defense, he says he mistook them for mimes.

Thank God For Embalming Fluid

They're fighting in court over whether Anna Nicole Smith should be buried in California or the Bahamas and, after having James Brown's body hanging around since Christmas Day, his family has finally agreed on where to bury him. Though they're not saying where that is. Donald Trump's family will be happy to know there won't be a fight when he dies. He just announced that he'd like to be buried in Bedminster, New Jersey. And who wouldn't? It seems Trump has filed for permission to build a wedding chapel on a golf course he owns there and, sometime in the future, plans to convert it into a mausoleum for himself and his family. Me? I'm easy. Just cremate me. Then gather my friends and sit around one night and smoke me.

GoAheadAndVote.Com

Estonia, of all countries, is set to hold the world's first national election in which people can vote over the Internet. To do it, voters will have to put their state-issued ID card, which has an electronic chip on it, into a reader attached to a computer and then enter two passwords. The e-voting system was tested earlier this week by letting people elect the King of the Forest. The 10 candidates included moose, deer, and boars, which isn't too far from candidates in the U.S. who are represented by the donkey, elephant, and lots of bores. Officials didn't announce who won the position as King of the Forest, though the Cowardly Lion reportedly wanted the position pretty badly.

My Name Is Bob123 And I'm An Addict

An executive coach in Pennsylvania has developed a 12-step program for people addicted to email. The first step is to "admit that e-mail is managing you. Let go of your need to check email every ten minutes." Okay, but before that you have to cut back to only checking once every ten minutes. There are no 12-step meetings of E-mailers Anonymous — yet — but she does have a monthly teleconference. Reminder notices about the teleconference are sent out by, well, email.

How Many Musicians Does It Take To Screw In Windows Vista?

It took 20 people 18 months to come up with 500 sounds that ended up as the four chords that play for four seconds when Windows Vista starts up. Microsoft is looking at converting the theme into a three-minute song which they estimate will take 900 people 67.5 years to come up with 22,500 sounds that will end up containing 180 chords. One can only hope it will be a free download.

Sharpie Deflation

In a move to help fight inflation, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says the government will chop three zeros off new 1,000 bolivar bill so it will be worth the same as a one bolivar coin. Until the government gets around to reprinting the bills, they'll be passing out Sharpies so Venezuelans can do it themselves. No word on what the government plans to do with all the extra zeroes.

Got Bilked?

What do you do with all the surplus milk you wind up with when people start drinking less but cows keep churning it out anyway? If you own the Nakahara liquor shop in Japan you add hops and brew it into beer. Chitoshi Nakahara spent six months developing "Bilk," which he says is made of 30% milk and, apart from a slight milky scent, looks and tastes like ordinary beer. Yum! Someone needs to give Nakahara an English dictionary so he can find out the definition of "bilk."

Let Them Eat Iguanas

To help combat Boca Raton, Florida's growing iguana problem, the city recently posted suggestions on its web site about how to control the lizards, including one that recommended not feeding them. Resident Willie Cook has a better idea — eat them. He says the lizards are a free source of protein that can nourish poor families. He sent the mayor two recipes, one for iguana stew and one for iguana soup. He's saving the good ones, like Grilled Cheese and Iguana, Fried Iguana-on-a-stick, and Chocolate Iguana Mousse, for himself.

You Always Wear The One You Love

Just on time for Valentine's Day comes a survey from Unilever (Lipton, Slim-Fast, Vaseline) that finds that women prefer clothes to sex. Sixty-one percent of those polled said they'd rather give up sex for a month than lose their favorite article of clothing, while a majority would be more than happy to give up sex for 15 months if it meant a closet full of new clothes. To translate for you guys: Buy her clothes for Valentine's Day. She'll look good, she'll be happier, and besides, they last a lot longer than candy, flowers, or sex.

Peace Prize Out

The Nobel Prize Committee has received 167 nominations for the Peace Prize so far. While they won't disclose names — after all, they don't want everyone to run out and reprint their business cards with "Nobel Peace Prize Nominee" under their name — nominators have announced that they've submitted Al Gore, former Malaysian prime minister Dr. Mahathir Mohamad, Rush Limbaugh, and Mordechai Vanunu, the Susan Lucci of the Peace Prize who's been nominated each of the past 20 years. No sign of George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Osama bin Laden, or Geraldo Rivera.

How Were We To Know?

The York Psychic Museum, which opened in 2003, has closed because business wasn't as good as they'd expected. Astrologer Jonathan Cainer, the curator, says, "If you are asking me for predictions when exactly it will open up again, then it is hard to say." You know what they say about the cobblers children.

Talk About Dim Bulbs

California Assemblyman Lloyd Levine is sponsoring a bill that would ban Thomas Edison's good old incandescent light bulb from the state, forcing people to use those spirally fluorescent ones. Or candles. There are no details about proposed fines for being a traditionalist, whether the state or cities would be responsible for forming Light Brigades to enforce the law, or whether the agricultural inspection stations at the borders would be replaced by Bulb Inspectors to catch soft white smugglers.

A Man's Throne Is His Castle

Roto-Rooter is giving away a $5,000 custom-made toilet. Unlike the best Japanese toilets, there's no heated seat, bidet, hot air dryer, butt-massager, or sign of Hello Kitty. There is, however, a laptop computer, flat-screen monitor, DVD player, Xbox, TiVo, refrigerator with beer tap, and exercise bike. Oh yeah, and the iCarta stereo dock for an iPod with built-in toilet paper holder. Come on, let's all sing: "And away goes your life, down the drain. Roto-Rooter."

Hang Up And Cross The Street Already

New York State Senator Carl Kruger says he'll introduce legislation on Wednesday to ban the use of electronic gadgets while crossing the street because — WATCH OUT! — iPods, Blackberrys, cell phones, and video games are distracting and people are getting hit by cars and buses because they don't hear them roaring through the yellow light. If you don't disconnect, you'll be fined $100. He's not worried about repeat offenders because they probably won't live to have to pay the fine again.

Putting The Oral In Oral Roberts

It's official — one male prostitute doesn't make you gay. After three weeks of intensive counseling, the errant Rev. Ted Haggard has been declared "completely heterosexual" because, in the words of one of the ministers in charge, "It wasn't a constant thing." But just to be safe they recommended Haggard and his wife move out of town and go into secular work. After all, we don't want your occasional kind around these parts.

Where The Rubber Meets The Tire

A Philadelphia councilman wants the city to look into installing rubber sidewalks. He says they won't crack, will last longer than concrete, and would reduce the number of slip-and-fall accidents and the lawsuits that result from them. If the city goes for this idea they should look into an idea I had many years ago: rubber streets and concrete tires. The streets would expand and contract with the weather, eliminating potholes, constant repair work, and wear and tear on cars. Tires would last longer because they couldn't go flat. And should you actually get a chipped tire, you'd simply whip out some spackling and the next morning you're good to go. Next problem!

Catching Yellow Snowflakes On Your Tongue. Yum!

Russia's Emergency Ministry is flying a chemical laboratory to the Omsk region in southern Siberia to figure out what caused about a 600 square mile area to be covered in oily yellow and orange snow. Until they know what caused it, authorities are recommending that the 27,000 residents heed Frank Zappa's advice: "Don't eat the yellow snow."

It's So Tiring Being French

It's not easy being French. There's the grueling 35-hour work week, the mandated rudeness classes, and now it's getting tough to find a place to enjoy a Gauloises. As of today you can't smoke in workplaces, schools, airports, hospitals, and other “closed and covered” public places in France. Next year the ban will extend to *gasp* cafes and restaurants. No wonder the country's health minister is looking into whether workers should be allowed to take a nap while at work. The state-run health insurance provider and the Health Ministry both think it's a good idea, but for now businesses want to sleep on it before making up their minds.