I'm From The Government, I'm Here To Help You

Randall Tobias, a State Department official in charge of most U.S. foreign aid, resigned after admitting that he had been a customer of Pamela Martin's now well known Washington, D.C., escort service. He swears he only had massages and didn't inhale. I mean, that there had been "no sex." He went on to say the check is in the mail, he respects escorts in the morning, and not to worry, it's only a cold sore.

Just Don't Drink The Bath Water

Tired of waiting until you get out of the morning shower to get — or continue — your caffeine jolt? Save time with Shower Shock, a caffeinated bar of soap that supposedly delivers 200 milligrams of caffeine per serving. Uh, per shower. That's as much as two shots of espresso, more than twice the caffeine of a Red Bull, and the equivalent of drinking almost 48 oz. of Mountain Dew. And none of those get you clean. At least not externally. What next, a shampoo named Gee Your Hair Smells Like Jolt Cola?

This Is Your Brain On Money

According to The Sun, as many as 2,000 rich Japanese women bought discount miniature poodles from a company in Sapporo only to find out they wouldn't bark or eat dog food and didn't have claws to trim because, well, the half-priced pets were actually groomed lambs. No word on how many of them also bought the Brooklyn Bridge so they had a place to walk Fifi.

They Must Be High And (Hopefully) Dry

Officials in Beijing are guaranteeing that it won't rain during the opening ceremony of next year's Olympic Games, which is a good thing since they decided to cut costs by not building a roof on the new National Stadium and, as the chief engineer of the Office of Weather Manipulation said, "The rain might have a negative impact on the opening ceremony." Ya think? They also plan to use reduced friction water in the swimming pools, have light gravity days so high jumpers can leap over buildings, and make non-greasy General Tso's Chicken. Let the games begin!

Everything I Know I Learned From Superman

A geologist from London's Natural History Museum found a mineral in Serbia he'd never seen before. While searching the Internet for its chemical formula — sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide — he discovered that it's the scientific name written on a case of rock containing kryptonite stolen by Lex Luther from a museum in the film Superman Returns. True it doesn't have large green crystals like in the comics but is rather white and powdery. And yes, they've officially named it Jadarite, even though it's not green. But hey, it's still kryptonite to us. The next thing you know they'll find Bizarro World, Mr. Mxyzptlk will show up and ask to buy a vowel, and it will turn out that it is indeed okay to tug on Superman's cape.

It's Now Happy And Healthy Hour

Researchers at Kasetsart University in Thailand and the U.S. Department of Agriculture say fruity cocktails like Mai Tais and Piña Coladas could be considered health foods. Their report in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture finds that adding ethanol — the alcohol found in rum, vodka, tequila and other liquors — boosted the antioxidant nutrients in strawberries and blackberries. They also say Cheetos are dairy, potato chips count as a vegetable, and CornNuts can be considered both a vegetable and a nut, but can't fathom why anyone would voluntarily eat soy crisps.

Pot Baldwin Calls Kettle Baldwin Black

In a sweet voicemail recording thoughtlessly posted on TMZ.com, Alec Baldwin can be heard lovingly telling his 11-year-old daughter Ireland, "You are a rude, thoughtless little pig" and that her mother, Kim Basinger, is "a thoughtless pain in the ass." Ah, the thoughtless acorn really doesn't fall far from the thoughtless tree, does it?

Hooked On Foniks

The Simplified Spelling Society is celebrating its 99th birthday by lawnching a nu ofensiv to make English ezier to reed and rite. "English is about the only language, apart from French, on the world stage that hasn't updated its spelling for 500 years," SSS secretary John Gledhill sed. Kewl! R u redi 4 it 2 change?

Just Pass The Salt, Will Ya?

The Oklahoma legislature has approved a bill naming watermelon as the official state vegetable because, well, they already have a state fruit — the strawberry. True, some people argue that watermelon technically is a vegetable, but then some people think the Earth is flat and we don't fall off because of the gravity machines Lemurians have built in the center of the planet. You know, the ones that cause your cell phone to drop calls. If the governor signs the bill as expected, don't be surprised to see the robin become Oklahoma's state meat, oil to be named the state pasta, and tornadoes to become the state trailer renovator.

And I Love Manischewitz Wine Too

In a speech yesterday, former secretary of Health and Human Services and current Republican presidential candidate Tommy Thompson told the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism, "I'm in the private sector and for the first time in my life I'm earning money. You know that's sort of part of the Jewish tradition and I do not find anything wrong with that." He went on to explain that he also has a big nose and owns several banks, but is fortunate that he doesn't have nappy payes, the side curls that orthodox Jewish hos sport. CBS and MSNBC said they would drop his radio and TV shows if only he had them.

Talk About Sitting In The Hot Seat

A Japanese toilet manufacturer is going to repair 180,000 toilets because wiring in the bidet can catch fire. So far 26 of them have gone up in smoke and three actually caught fire. Luckily no one was using them when it happened. Just think, Toto, Ltd. was one burrito away from an explosive lawsuit.

One Original Recipe T-Rex Snacker To Go, Please

Researchers at Harvard Medical School and North Carolina State University claim to have proof that the Tyrannosaurus rex is a distant cousin to the modern chicken. They discovered it by analyzing tiny bits of protein extracted from a 68-million-year-old T-Rex thigh bone. It's a good thing they didn't order all white meat on the dig or they would never have made the discovery.

And You Thought Cliff's Notes Were Small

Researchers at Canada's Simon Fraser University have created the world's smallest published book, Teeny Ted from Turnip Town. The book measures 0.07 mm by 0.10 mm — which is smaller than the head of a pin — and was made using a focused gallium-ion beam to carve out spaces around each letter on pieces of crystalline silicon. Unfortunately you need an electron microscope to read it and one isn't supplied with the book, though you can pick one up on eBay for about $20,000. And to think, you thought the world's smallest book was Zagat's Guide to Cities Without a Starbucks.

Something To Sleep On

Scientists at the University of Vienna have found that sharing a bed with someone disturbs men's sleep and temporarily reduces their brain power the next day. Women, on the other hand, slept more deeply and their mental acuities were unaffected. Further proof of the anecdotes about the different location of our brains? Or nature's way of saying we should each have our own cave?

What Happens There Stays There. Luckily.

Hamoud Mohsen al-Yacoubi, the director of the Iraqi tourism board, is trying to attract visitors to the country who don't wear U.S. military uniforms. Sure Western sightseers would probably be kidnapped or killed, the infrastructure isn't what it used to be when it was still in one piece, and many of the biggest tourist attractions have been damaged by careless troops, at least it's not boring old Paris again. What they need is a catchy slogan, something like "See Iraq while there's still something left" or "Iraq—it's more than just oil." Or maybe "I Iraq." Book your vacation today while the hotel's still standing.

This Is Your @*&#%#!! Captain Speaking

A Northwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit was cancelled on Friday after the pilot began cursing at passengers while the plane was getting ready to take off. The #%$&@! passengers got off the *@&#^$&!! plane, were given *@&!^&!! hotel rooms, and put on the next ^@*#&%! flight out of town. Dang!

What If They Gave An Election And Nobody Came?

Joe Selle, who was running unopposed for re-election to the Missouri City, MO, City Council, didn't get any votes in Tuesday's election. Not even his own. He says he forgot that Tuesday was election day and apparently so did his ward's other 34 registered voters. Note to residents of Missouri City: tomorrow's Easter, Memorial Day is observed on May 28, and this year Christmas falls on December 25th.

To Baldly Go Where No Actress Has Gone Before

Reuters reports that Halle Berry is going to shave her head for a movie role. No, it's not Britney Does Detox. Nor is it The Sinead O'Connor Story. She won't be playing Mrs. Kojak, Yul Brynner, or Bruce Willis' part in a remake of Twelve Monkeys. It's actually for a romantic comedy titled Nappily Ever After which is about a woman whose hair starts to fall out so she decides to shave her head, then has to deal with people's perceptions of who she is and how her hair defined her. You know, beauty may only be skin deep after all and it's what's inside that counts. Wow, where does Hollywood get such inspired ideas? *yawn*

Oh, That's Different

Newt Gingrich has apologized for speaking out against bilingual education in a speech Saturday in which he said that people should learn English and "not the language of living in a ghetto." He said his word choice was poor and was actually "an expression of support for Latinos, not an attack on their language." He went on to say, "I mean, it's not like Latinos have big booties, wear lots of bling, and roll with their homies while eating fried chicken and watermelon or anything. Peace out."

What A Drag It Is Getting Old

In an interview with NME, Keith Richards says he snorted his father's cremated ashes mixed with cocaine. Now his publicist says he was kidding. He probably injected them. How's a guy supposed to remember the delivery system, fer christ's sake? He was high.

Just Don't Make Me Do The Cat Pose

Having trouble finding new bodies to fill the three yoga studios that exist on every block in most towns, instructors have turned to the originator of the downward dog. That's right, dogs. Brenda Bryan is teaching doggie yoga classes at the Seattle/King County Humane Society in Bellevue, Washington. Fair enough, but if dogs can adopt our practices, why can't we adapt some of theirs? From now on I'm going to sleep 20 hours a day, whimper until I get my belly scratched, hump legs at will, and lick my privates whenever I want without feeling like I'm showing off.

Confucious Say, Golf A Kinky Game

According to an AP story about the weekend's Houston Open golf tournament: "The players went off in threesomes in the early afternoon and were allowed to lift, clean and place their balls in the soggy fairways." Maybe there's more to this game than I thought.