Hey, It's Not Brain Surgery

A new Dutch reality TV show called Big Donor Show will feature a terminally ill woman with an inoperable brain tumor who will choose one of three contestants to be the lucky recipient of one of her kidneys. Viewers will be able to vote by sending text messages — at about 47 cents a pop — but their votes won't count. Except, of course, as additions to the producer's bank account. If the show is a success, as they expect it will be, don't be surprised to see a mash-up of American Idol and Big Donor Show where contestants sing their hearts out, with the best singer receiving a new one and having it transplanted on live TV. Maybe they could call it Organ Recital.

Skull Density

Last week a West Virginia man was asleep in his mobile home after a night out on the town when a gunman fired five bullets into the trailer. One struck the man in the head but he didn't notice until he woke up four hours later and spotted blood. Meanwhile in China, a woman had a 1"-long bullet removed from her skull — 64 years after she'd been shot by Japanese Army troops. She didn't realize at the time that she'd been hit but over the years wondered about the periodic headaches and fits. Hopefully the two will meet at www.SingleAndDense.com and live happily ever after.

Give Peace A Chance

There's hope! MSNBC reports that Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff, who have been involved in a long-running celebrity feud, have buried the hatchet. Thank god! According to Duff, "it’s nice to be able to see Lindsay out and say hi, and not have this weird weirdness.” Sure there's still some normal weirdness, but at least there's none of the weird kind anymore. Could this start a trend? Will they broker an agreement that results in Israel and the Palestinians breaking matzoh together? Will the Sunnis and Shiites join hands and sing Kumbaya? Does this mean there's hope for Rosie and The Donald? All we are saying....

Brain Mapping

Researchers at England's University of Warwick say they have scientific proof that men are better at map reading than women. It's a good thing too, since lord knows we aren't going to stop and ask for directions.

Kiddie Karma Kollision

After spending two days sitting on the floor of a shopping mall in Kansas City, Missouri, arranging colored sand into an intricate design called a mandala, eight Tibetan monks called it a day and went home. A short time later a woman and her young son showed up. She went to the post office in the hall while the boy decided to do a dance on the pretty sand, obliterating the design. The monks took it in true Buddhist stride. "No problem," the leader of the group said. "We didn't get despondent. We have three days more. So we will have to work harder. We hope the boy will enjoy his next life as a three-legged dung beetle that gets eaten alive by a swarm of African ants. Slowly. Very slowly."

Creating A Safer Toothbrush

An inventor at Johns Hopkins University's Applied Physics Laboratory has dropped his research in biomechanics and outer space to create non-lethal toothbrushes for prisoners. While others have devised wiggly toothbrushes, mini 3-inch toothbrushes, and fingertip toothbrushes held like thimbles, Paul Biermann is using molecular manipulation to create a toothbrush handle that can't be reshaped. Once he's got that refined he'll turn to toothpaste tube caps that automatically close when you're finished brushing your teeth, toothbrushes with handles thin enough to fit in your toothbrush holders, and toilet seats that automatically lower after a man flushes the toilet.

Hey Kids, Get Your Free Ebola Injections!

A Belgian computer specialist set up a web site, then had Google AdWords show people an ad that said: "Is your PC virus-free? Get it infected here!" Over a period of six months, 409 people clicked on it looking to get infected. Luckily going to the site didn't actually infect anyone's computer, though they did get a coupon good for their choice of a free Ebola injection, a car accident of their choice, remedial reading lessons, or a lobotomy.

Staying Up During Long Flights

A team of Argentine scientists reports that they may have found something to help jet lag — Viagra. When they gave the drug to hamsters, the animals adjusted more quickly to a six-hour change in their light-dark cycle, which is equivalent to the time change when flying from New York to Paris. Unfortunately it only works in one direction — what would be like flying eastbound. When they raised the Viagra dose, jet lag recovery time was cut in half. Unfortunately — or is that fortunately? — the higher dose caused hamster erections. Membership in the Hamster Mile High Club is expected to skyrocket.

1-800-WHO-CARES

Gem Plumbing & Heating of Lincoln, R.I., and Florida-based Clockwork Home Services, also a plumbing company, are fighting over the New Wave musical phone number 867-5309. You know, Jenny's number. Gem uses it in Rhode Island and southern Massachusetts while Clockwork has a toll-free version that works in New England. For now, a federal judge says Clockwork has to stop using it there since Gem has a trademark on the phone number. Not Tommy Heath — uh, we mean Tutone — Gem Plumbing. Of course why either plumbing company wants the number is a mystery. Just remember, if Jenny answers, you've got the wrong number.

www.clueless.com

When a prosecutor in a London terrorist trial questioned a witness about a Web forum used by alleged Islamist radicals, the presiding judge stopped him and asked for an explanation, saying, "The trouble is I don't understand the language. I don't really understand what a Web site is." After an explanation he exclaimed, "Wait! You say you plug it in the wall, it lights up, and you see things on it? Does that mean I won't need to use my gas lamp or write with chalk on slate anymore?"

Cruel And Inhumane Newsletters

A terror suspect told a military tribunal that "mental torture" at the U.S. detention facility in Guantanamo Bay drove him to attempt suicide twice by chewing through his own arteries. Yum! He said his mistreatments included having his beard forcibly shaved, spending weeks without sunlight, and the poor quality of the camp's newsletter. Doesn't Article 7 of the Geneva Convention say detention camp newsletters must be informative, timely, well written, not use bad clip art, and include the most recent Family Circus and Dear Abby?

I Love Paris In The Jailtime

Paris Hilton's psychiatrist — who would have thought she'd have one? — says she's "emotionally distraught and traumatized" by the idea of spending 45 days with a roommate named Bertha just because she violated her probation in a drunk-driving case. Emotionally distraught and traumatized? Now she knows how the rest of us feel when we have to read about her. Dr. Charles Sophy says poor Paris needs time to recover from the shock of receiving jail time before she can testify in a civil case brought against her by Zeta Graff. You have to admit, bringing a doctor's note excusing you from testifying beats saying your Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, ate your testimony.

I Can't Come To The Phone Right Now....

A Spanish bank repossessed a house after a woman stopped paying her mortgage six years ago. They put the house up for auction and a man bought it sight unseen. When he went to check out his new purchase he discovered the mummified body of the previous owner. Hopefully the bank has apologized to her for all the phone calls and voicemail messages left by their collection department.

You Can't Con Edison

German automaker DaimlerChrysler is selling a controlling interest in Chrysler to Cerberus Capital Management, meaning DaimlerChrysler will change its name to plain ole Daimler. It's like Smith Barney getting rid of Barney, Hewlett Packard selling off Hewlett, or Charles getting rid of his partner Schwab.

The Attack Of The Killer iPods

A study presented at the Heart Rhythm Society's annual meeting this week found that iPods can cause pacemakers to fail. Holding them several inches from a patient's chest caused electrical interference with a pacemaker, and one time, in band camp, a pacemaker completely stopped functioning. Be warned all you 20-somethings with pacemakers!

What's In A Name?

The aftermath of hurricane Katrina continues. The Social Security Administration has released its annual list of most popular children's names and Katrina has dropped more than 100 slots, sitting just below Brenna on the list. You know, Brenna as in "I've never heard of the name before." The top boys' names are Jacob, Michael, and Joshua while the most popular girls' names are Emily, Emma, and Madison. For the record, Barbie "is not in the top 1000 names for any year of birth in the last 30 years." Neither is Osama, Barney, or Mad Dog. Go figure.

If You Can't Believe Me, Who Can You Believe?

During a surprise visit to Iraq on Wednesday, Vice President Dick Cheney said the situation on the ground there has "gotten better." He also said the check is in the mail, "I'm with the government, I'm here to help," and that he played gin rummy with the Tooth Fairy during the trip over there on Air Force Two. And won.

How Low Can You Go?

Eight hundred years after it was first established, Pope Benedict XVI came out and abolished the concept of limbo. So put down the pole, get rid of that cheesy fake Caribbean music, and cancel tomorrow's chiropractor session, it's all Hokey Pokey from here on out.

Walking On Broken Glass

Annie Lennox may be the new Miss Cleo. Over the weekend her daughter Lola threw a party at her Dad's house while he was away. Lola sent an email to 30 friends, it got sent around, then the party was posted on MySpace. The house was trashed when over 100 kids crashed the party, painting graffiti on walls, breaking pictures, tearing books apart, urinating and vomiting on carpets, flooding the kitchen, and generally just having a good ole teenage time. Lola has been grounded for an indefinite period. Lennox, on the other hand, has been dubbed the New Age Nostradamus since she's now Walking on Broken Glass, has discovered The Thin Line Between Love and Hate, and no longer has faith in All The Young People of Today. Would I Lie to You?

Big Coin, Big Deal

Canada has issued what they say is the world's biggest, purest, and highest denomination coin — a 220-lb, 21", 1.2" thick $1 million gold coin. Of course keep in mind that's a million Canadian dollars. It may be the purest and largest denomination — not to mention one that will really make your pocket bulge — but it's certainly not the largest. I've been to Sudbury, Canada and seen the big nickel. At 30-feet tall and 2" thick, it makes the $1 million coin look like chump change. Or at least a nano-coin.

The Early Bird Catches The Candidate

The race to have the earliest primary election is on. The Florida legislature has voted to move its primary, which is currently held in early March, to January 29 in order to preempt the dozen states that have set theirs for February 5. This means only the Iowa and Nevada caucuses and the New Hampshire primary will happen sooner. Meanwhile, feeling left out, the Michigan state legislature has voted to move theirs to last Wednesday. Beat that, Massachusetts!

Is Time Of Relative Importance?

- The Me Decade
- Year of the Ocean
- Black History Month
- National Brotherhood Week
- Earth Day
- Witching Hour
- New York Minute

What Did You Think Hemi Meant?

Chrysler has announced that it will offer a hybrid version of its famous high-power 335-horsepower Hemi V-8 engine in their Dodge Durango and Chrysler Aspen SUVs. They say it will improve the cars' fuel economy by about 40% in the city and 25% on the highway, which means it should sip gas so delicately it will get about 18 mpg in the city and 22 on the highway. Remember, that's hemi, as in half. You know, like a hemi-assed effort at being green.

Today In History

1931 - The Empire State Building opens
1960 - American U-2 spy plane shot down in Russia
1967 - Elvis Presley marries Priscilla
2003 - President Bush proclaims “major combat operations in Iraq have ended” under a sign that says "Mission Accomplished."
2007 - With 3,351 U.S. military casualties to date, President Bush vetoes the war spending bill that would require U.S. troops to begin coming home from Iraq.