Premature Announcification

Former Senator Fred Thompson announced yesterday that he will officially announce his presidential candidacy next Thursday. This comes after months of unannounced campaign stops that he announced to the press beforehand so they'd be there to cover it. Supporters were surprised by yesterday's announcement since he'd previously announced that he wasn't sure when he'd make this announcement, but they promised to pretend to be surprised when he makes the announcement on Thursday.

How Not To Lose Your Teeth

Just in time for the Christmas season, Oral B is releasing a $150 toothbrush with a built-in RFID microchip and wireless display that shows how long you should be brushing, whether you're brushing too hard or too soft, and whether you're getting all of your teeth. Kind of a GPS for your mouth. If it becomes the Christmas gift this year it will be followed up with the SatNav Body Part Locator, perfect for those who can't tell their ass from their elbow.

Dehydrated Holy Water, Anyone?

"Welcome aboard Vatican Airlines. This is your pilot speaking. We'll be cruising at heavenly altitudes. Please sit back, relax, and remember, God is my copilot."

The Vatican launched a new charter service that will fly pilgrims to holy sites, including the shrine of Fatima in Portugal and Mount Sinai in Egypt. The first trip was to Lourdes, where passengers stocked up on small plastic bottles of holy water. Unfortunately airport security at Tarbes-Lourdes airport wouldn't let them take the bottles on board. After all, rules are rules, and holy water is a liquid. Apparently other religious items are okay, even though you could strangle a flight attendant with your rosary, stab a pilot with your cross, or beat the guy in front of you who leans his seat all the way back and crushes your laptop with a Bible.

Maybe Size Does Matter

The company that runs the Ripley's Believe It or Not museums bought the largest known mammal penis fossil, a 4.5-foot-long penis bone from an extinct walrus, for $8,000 in an auction the other day. Oddly, the Icelandic Phallological Museum didn't bid on it. They are, however, looking for a human penis to add to their collection of 195 penises, so if you or someone you know is interested in donating it to them — hopefully post-mortem — please contact them.

One Order Of Fried Tuna Helper To Go!

Entrants in this year's Big Tex Choice Awards at the Texas State Fair are trying to create as much excitement as last year's winner — fried Coke. Entries this year include Deep Fried Lattes, Zesty Fried Guacamole Bites, Fried Peach Cobbler on a Stick, and Fried Banana Pudding. All trans fat-free, to be sure. The winner will be announced on Labor Day. With a big burp.

A Whole Lot Of Nothing

Astronomers have found a huge hole in the universe. Not a black hole, just a hole. They say it's 1 billion light years across, which for the earthbound is about 6 billion trillion miles, and it's empty. No stars, no asteroids, no discarded junk from a space shuttle. Bids will be accepted beginning on Monday for proposals to develop a shopping mall, theme park, and luxury condos there.

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

The Venezuelan Science and Technology Minister has announced that starting in September the country will shift time zones and turn its clocks back 30 minutes in order to give "a more fair distribution of the sunrise." He says this is part of the government's campaign to "make more effective use of time." Other initiatives include giving out government issued To-Do lists, showering while eating breakfast, instituting a 25-hour day, and adopting "Eight Days a Week" as the new national anthem.

I See London, I See France

A city councilman in Atlanta is proposing an amendment to the city's indecency laws banning baggy pants that show boxer shorts or thongs, the wearing of jogging bras in public, and even the slightest glimpse of a bra strap. While this may sound frivolous, since city council already reduced the crime rate to near zero, got jobs and housing for all the homeless, and convinced people The Underground is cool again, they have to have something to do, don't they?

Men Are From The Red Planet, Women Like Pink

An article in Current Biology says that while everyone has an innate tendency to like the color blue, women do, in fact, like pink. And it's evolutionary. Researchers say it goes back to cave days when women were the gatherers so they developed a preference for reddish colors that indicated ripe fruit. Men, on the other hand, were the hunters, so color was less important. Like Dick Cheney, they just needed to spot something dark and shoot it. While this helps explain why girls like pink clothes and boys play with guns, it doesn't help us understand why Alecia Beth Klara Moore uses the stage name Pink but usually dyes her hair blond.

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Does My Butt Make This Camera Look Big?

A high-end clothing store in Scottsdale, AZ, has come to the aid of boyfriends and husbands who break out in a sweat when asked, "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Hub Clothing has installed a Butt Cam in the dressing rooms so shoppers can see for themselves how they look from behind. Unfortunately the Butt Cam won't pay for the jeans, carry the shopping bags, or resuscitate a partner who discovers that some of the jeans cost as much as $900 a pair.

Rocky Petrović - The Serbian Stallian

The Serbian village of Zitiste has a reputation for being jinxed, what with repeated floods and landslides. So they figured they could change the village's image by putting a 10-foot-tall statue of Rocky Balboa in the village square, which makes perfect sense when you realize that Rocky was Italian-American, a fictional boxer, fought an opponent named Apollo, and until someone pointed out who it actually was they thought it was a statue of St. Jude.

Pls Stp Txtng. Thx!

A Harris Interactive survey found that 89% of Americans think it should be illegal to send text messages while driving, 57% admit to having done it, and 91% think it's as dangerous as driving after having a couple of drinks. Sixty-one percent responded to the survey by text message while driving home from work with a doughnut in one hand, a newspaper in the other, and at least one knee on the steering wheel.

Wherever You Are, There Are Might Not Be

A survey by an English insurance company found that 35% of British drivers can't read a road map, three quarters can't identify the symbol signifying a freeway, and only 1% would pass the Cub Scout Map Reader badge test. Ninety-nine percent, however, can find their way to the local pub blindfolded.

I Before E, Except When?

A correction in The New York Times admits to having misspelled Neiman Marcus "in at least 195 articles since 1930." Hey, nobody's perefct.

The Scarlet Hello Kitty

Thai police officers who are convicted of misdemeanors including littering, parking in a prohibited area, or showing up for work late will not only be taken off the street and have to work in the station house, they'll be forced to show their shame by wearing hot pink armbands with an image of Hello Kitty sitting on top of two hearts. A second infraction will result in their having to wear a Strawberry Shortcake party dress all day. And if they don't learn their lesson and they're caught a third time, they'll have My Little Pony tattooed on their forehead. Officials don't expect anyone to do it a fourth time.

Dough!

Trading Standards Officers in England are warning people to be on the lookout for fake £20 notes that look real. Okay, except that instead of a picture of the Queen they have one of Homer Simpson. Being sold as novelties, they're afraid people will try to pass them off as the real thing to those who are elderly, blind, and proof that Darwin was wrong about survival of the fittest.

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Oil

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praised Sean Penn, who's visiting the South American country, for his stance against the war in Iraq, saying Penn is "well-informed about what is happening in the United States and the world, in spite of being in Hollywood" and that "he's made great films." He said they talked by phone "with my bad English but we understood each other more or less." More or less. Asked about his trip to Venezuela, Penn said, "All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine." Aloha, Mr. Chavez!

Summer Vacations And Summer Not

A group called Take Back Your Time is trying to get Congress to pass The Minimum Leave Protection, Family Bonding and Personal Well-Being Act of 2007, which would guarantee that all workers get three weeks of paid vacation a year. They'd better hurry, Congress isn't in session from August 6 to September 3 for their annual four-week summer recess.