Breathing Is Highly Overrated

Researchers at St Louis University in Missouri found that a friendly dog can make nursing home residents feel less isolated. And so can AIBO, Sony's robot dog. "The most surprising thing is they worked almost equally well in terms of alleviating loneliness and causing residents to form attachments," Dr. William Banks said. Plus the robo-dog doesn't need to be walked, won't shed — okay, maybe a few iron filings here and there, doesn't eat smelly dog food, and won't leave anything on the floor to be scooped up. Unfortunately for lonely seniors who want a carefree companion, Sony discontinued the robo-pet two years ago.

From Little Frozen Acorns Grow

Norway opened a vault built deep within an Arctic mountain to store millions of seeds from around the world in case they're needed after a war, natural disaster, or the Burpee order was placed too late and it's time to plant the crops. European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso called it "a frozen Garden of Eden." Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg referred to it as "the Noah's Ark for securing biological diversity." President Bush said it's "the Jonah and the Whale of safety deposit boxes. Hey, do you have any sunflower seeds here I can eat?"

Now That's A Stretch

French scientists have created a self-healing rubber band that, if it breaks, can be repaired just by pressing the edges together for a few minutes. And it can be repaired over and over and over. Now how about using it for something more useful, like tires, balloons, and condoms?

It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This, Does It?

Maxim magazine has apologized for running a bad review of the Black Crowes' new album, Warpaint, and giving it two-and-a-half stars because it turns out the writer couldn't have listened to the whole CD since advance copies weren't available. According to the magazine, the review was an "educated guess." The Black Crowes have accepted the apology, even though they didn't read all of it.

Make Me One With Everything

In an attempt to fit in with a largely Asian neighborhood in Hacienda Heights, CA, a McDonald's restaurant has used the principles of feng shui to redecorate, replacing the red and blue plastic interior with earth tone colors, leather seats, bamboo plants, water trickling down glass panels, and metal sculptures of a crane and Koi hanging on the wall. They say the makeover will help diners achieve happiness and good fortune as well as "tap their inner Zen." But don't look for McRiceBowls, McTeriyaki, or a even raw fish sandwich with wasabi. The menu hasn't changed. But at least you can supersize your karma at the same time as your waist.

The Black Reagan?

We have the "Black JFK," so why not the "Black Reagan"? While on a five-nation tour of Africa, George and Laura Bush joined members of the Kankouran African Dance Company during a Malaria Awareness Day celebration. According to Condoleezza Rice, who was there with Bush but didn't get up to dance, The Bushman has rhythm and "demonstrated that he can stay on the beat." Can his doctrine of Dance Diplomacy be far behind? Check it out for yourself here.

Proof Darwin Was Right

The Florida State Board of Education adopted new science standards that will for the first time allow the word "evolution" to be used in schools, even though the theory has been taught for years using code words such as "change over time," "the thing Darwin wrote books about," and "not that goofy Intelligent Design nonsense." The new standards are being challenged by less evolved creatures who, according to the "Change over Time" theory, should go away soon.

Strange Bedfellows

Forget volcanic eruptions and shifting tectonic plates, according to Shlomo Benizri, an ultra-Orthodox Jewish member of the Israeli parliament, earthquakes are caused by homosexuality. "God says you shake your genitals where you are not supposed to and I will shake my world in order to wake you up," Benizri said in response to the recent 5.0 earthquake in the Middle East. Interestingly, this theory is shared by the ultra-conservative Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas, which has in the past blamed earthquakes on gays. The next thing you know they'll be holding latke breakfasts and wearing yamulkes while testifying.

But That's How The Governor Pronounces It

A new street sign in Berkley — uh, make that Berkeley — California misspells the name of the state. The director of public works says the city recently replaced its street signs and, well, the spelcheker must have been broken that day.

Clothing The Energizer Bunny

Scientists have figured out how to make a fabric that generates electricity when the wearer moves around. They embedded pairs of tiny zinc oxide nanowires into the fabric, coating one of each pair with gold. Then they put the fabric into a warm bath of reactive solution for 12 hours and watch the wires multiply. Really! When the gold and the zinc oxide bristles brush against each other they generate electricity, theoretically enough to power "a small iPod" or charge a cell phone battery. If you have a large iPod you may have to wear two shirts. One big problem is that zinc oxide degrades when it gets wet so you couldn't wash your Duracell shirt. Not exactly what you'd call clean power.

Don't Buy Our Cars, We Can't Afford To Sell Them

Last week GM reported that it lost $38.7 billion in 2007. Since the company sold 9,369,52 cars worldwide last year, that means they managed to lose $4,130.41 on each car they sold. Good thing their sales weren't higher, they can't afford to lose any more money.

Life Imitates Art

President Bush, never one to back away from a chance to fire a missile if the opportunity arises, has ordered the Navy to shoot down a broken spy satellite before it can enter the Earth's atmosphere in early March. His first choice was to send Bruce Willis to drill into the satellite and blow it up using a nuclear warhead a la Armageddon, but he wanted too much money and, after all, money is tight and sailors are on salary.

3 Bdrm, 2-1/2 Bath, Large Family Room, Dead Body

A real estate agent in England was showing some people a house that had just gone on the market when they came across the owner. Hanging from a belt inside a walk-in closet in the main bedroom. Dead. Isn't the first rule of selling a house that the owners shouldn't hang around when the house is being shown to prospective buyers?

Celebrity Dog Bit(e)s

Patty "That's Tanya to you" Hearst took home a red ribbon from the Westminster Kennel Club show in New York City the other day. Okay, her French Bulldog, Diva, did for Best of Opposite Sex. Hopefully when Hearst tells Diva to go "up against the wall" she isn't aiming a machine gun at her. Meanwhile, Dolly Parton cancelled her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her she had to give her sore back a rest. "Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems," she said. It's especially a drag since those puppies have never won a red ribbon from the Westminster Kennel Club.

Feels Like The First Time, As Far As I Can Remember

Foreigner is out on tour and they're being sponsored by AARP. Hey, at least they know their audience. The slogan? How about "Touring until we're cold as ice and the Live Nation isn't anymore."

Watch Animal Planet, Save Money

A study has found that people who shop after watching a sad video offered to pay nearly four times as much for an insulated water bottle than those who watched a nature video. Don't be surprised if stores start showing Titanic and Love Story on monitors around the store. And start carrying more insulated water bottles.

Cell Phones, The New Birth Control

You think cell phones are ubiquitous? You haven't seen anything yet. The U.N. telecoms agency says that sometime this year we'll hit a point that more people in the world have cell phones than don't have them. Just think about the number of conversations that will be going on while grocery shopping, driving, and eating in a restaurant. But there's good news. Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic found that the more time men spend on their cell phones each day, the lower their sperm count and the greater their percentage of abnormal sperm. So the more we use our cell phones, the better chance we have of fighting overpopulation and reaching zero population growth. Go ahead, call everyone you know and tell them about it. Now.

Why Do You Think They Call Them Pumps?

An Italian doctor says wearing high heels can improve a woman's sex life. Dr. Maria Cerruto says walking around in 2-inch heels can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, which leads to improved sexual performance and satisfaction. No word on whether wearing higher heels leads to even better sex, though it will usually help you have more of it.

Don't Moon Me, Bro!

Always on the cutting edge of military strategy and crowd dispersal methods, the Israeli army has a new tactic in their arsenal — mooning. YnetNews, a popular Israeli website, posted footage of two Israeli soldiers trying to disperse a group of Palestinians who had gathered in a field by pulling down their pants and underwear, shaking their booties, and flashing a victory sign. The soldiers were quickly tried and sentenced to 21 days in jail, where those nice tushes will get the attention they deserve.

It's National Sick Day

A survey done a couple of years ago found that the first Monday in February is the worst day of the year for employee absenteeism. Apparently people stay home from work in droves because of post-Christmas blues, crappy weather, and the prospect of not having a warm weather vacation for another six long, dreary, plodding months. If you're reading this at work, sorry to hear that. If you're reading it at home or while lying on the beach, Happy Sick Day! But please, you have the day off, get off the freakin' computer.

How Many Winters Can A Woodchuck Chuck?

Punxsutawney Phil crawled out of his hole in Pennsylvania today and saw his shadow, meaning we're in for at least six more decades of people thinking a furry gray rodent that's also known as a woodchuck can predict the weather.

This Will Make Your Brown Eyes Blue

Scientists at the University of Copenhagen have found that a single genetic mutation causes people to have blue eyes. They say that until about 10,000 years ago, everyone had brown eyes. One day a person was born with a mutated OCA2 gene and — voila! — blue eyes. That means everyone walking around today with blue eyes is descended from that person. So if you have blue eyes, the next time you see someone else with blue eyes, walk up, give them a hug and kiss, and say, "Hi Cuz!" But don't get too friendly, it wouldn't be a good idea to get too close to a distant relative. After all, inbreeding can cause genetic mutations. Possibly even something gross like — gasp! — brown eyes.