Eat More Robo-Seal

For several years you’ve been able to buy Paro, a fuzzy robot baby seal, in Japan. Now the company is bringing it to the U.S., where they plan to market it to nursing homes and hospitals to comfort people who have dementia, autism, or other problems that lead to social isolation. You know, like hermits, sociopaths, and those with TKS (Ted Kaczynski Syndrome). If that doesn’t work out, they can ship them to Canada where the seal hunters can club the hell out of them and no one will object, except maybe the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Robots.

I Need This Like Another Hole In The Head

A couple of years ago there was a rash of guys who had nails in their skulls. A man in South Korea had a 2-inch nail removed from his head that had been there for four years without his knowing it. Then a Colorado man had a 4-inch nail removed, though it had only been there for six days. Recently a man in Kansas was fixing his deck when his friend accidentally fired a 2-1/2-inch nail into his head. He thought he'd only been grazed but his friend saw what happened. So they went to the hospital where the doctor removed the nail using a sanitized hammer and screwdriver borrowed from a hospital maintenance man. Remember, a good carpenter doesn't blame his headaches on his tools.

If The Devil Wears Them Then I'm Not

The Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano says the rumor about Pope Benedict XVI 's spiffy bright red shoes being Prada is false, even though such normally reliable sources as Newsweek have said they are. The newspaper claims the Pope's clothing choices aren't about fashion, but rather the symbolism they can bring to the liturgy. “The pope, therefore, does not wear Prada, but Christ,” L’Osservatore said. The Devil was unavailable for comment.

Eschew Obfuscation

The Government Accountability Office released a report in which they concluded that many of the goals President Bush outlined in the euphemistically named "New Way Forward" strategy a year and a half ago are still unmet. In response, the Pentagon said it "nonconcurs with the GAO recommendation." George Carlin is probably ROIHGL* right now.

*Rolling Over In His Grave Laughing.

This Is Your Autopilot Speaking

In order to save money because of rising fuel costs, United Airlines says it's going to lay off about 950 pilots, so get used to hearing the flight attendant say, "...and please turn off all electronic devices until the pilot says we've reached cruising altitude. Which reminds me, is there a pilot in the house? If so, we'll give you a voucher good for $29.95 off your next flight if you can get us to Chicago."

And No, We Don't Have Kung Pao Panda

The Chinese government is afraid people won't want to eat the food during the Olympics. Gee, just because the names of some popular dishes translate as "husband and wife's lung slice", "bean curd made by a pock-marked woman," and "chicken without sexual life"? To be safe, they've been officially renamed beef and ox tripe in chili sauce, Mapo tofu, and steamed pullet. How boring. You'll even be able to get kung pao chicken, a dish whose name they never heard before over there. General Tso must be rolling over in his grave.

On The Highway To Heck

First it was Garth Brooks, then the Eagles, then Journey. Now AC/DC has decided to sell their next album only at Wal-Mart. You know, the store that made John Mellencamp airbrush Jesus and a devil from his CD cover, changed Nirvana's Rape Me to Waif Me, and has sold CDs by Beck, Outkast, and White Zombie only after some lyrics were cleaned up. Don't be surprised if the chain sells the band's back catalog as Not So Clean Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Highway to Heck, and Spherebreaker. And once Wal-Mart finds out what the term AC/DC can mean, the band will change its name to AC/AC. Yup, we're on a highway to heck, okay.

We're All Boobs On This Bus

Belgian scientists have proven what trade show exhibitors, beer marketers, and Hooters have known for years — men become more impulsive and make stupid decisions when they see women in bikinis. And you wondered why Sports Illustrated sells nearly 5 million copies of their annual swimsuit issue filled with $35 million in advertising?

The Sleep At Work Diet Plan

A survey by the National Sleep Foundation found that one-third of us have fallen asleep at work. Researchers at the Sleep Disorders Center at Sentara Norfolk General Hospital in Virginia found that people who don't get enough sleep tend to weigh more. So the next time your boss wakes you up at work, tell him or her that you're dieting and that being fit will save the company money on health care in the long term. If that doesn't work, try sleeping during your upcoming job interviews. You might stay unemployed, but you'll be slim.

The Other Election News

Lest you think Barack Obama's clinching the presumptiveness of the Democratic nomination is the only big election news:

- Pillsbury, North Dakota, held a primary election on June 10th to choose the candidates for mayor and aldermen. None of the 24 residents made it to the polls, not even the candidates who were on the ballot. Unfortunately state law doesn't allow "Apathy" to take office.

- The residents of a Romanian village re-elected their mayor the other day, even though he died from liver disease before the voting began. "I know he died," one villager said, "but I don't want change." Good idea. Maybe we should start a write-in campaign to elect JFK as president? Or Franklin D. Roosevelt. Heck, let's elect George Washington again!

Priced Out Of The Protest

It's a sad day when the price of gas is so high you can't afford to make a Molotov cocktail to protest the high price of gas.

Port-a-Sushi

On the waterfront in Qingdao, where Olympic sailing events will be taking place this summer, vendors have been hawking key chains with a heart-shaped sealed plastic bag attached that has Huanhuan, one of five mascots for the Olympic games, printed on it. Oh yeah, and a live — for the moment, anyway — goldfish sealed inside the bag. Hey, at least it doesn't have "In case of sushi craving, break bag" printed on it.

This Chant Sponsored By Jiffy Lube

Chinese officials are using television programs, video presentations, and the education ministry to promote an official cheering routine for Chinese spectators at the Olympics in August. The four-step routine begins with the common sporting chant "Jiayou!" followed by two claps and a double thumbs up, then "China — Jiayou!" with two more claps and raised fists. "Jiayou," by the way, translates as "add oil." It's a chant only a dipstick — or not to be redundant, George Bush — could love.

It's Gonna Be A Long, Hot Winter

Last month the McMurdo research base in Antarctica received their last shipment of supplies before winter sets in and they find themselves in constant darkness. The shipment included 16,500 condoms which will be given to the staff and scientists. Since only about 125 people are there during the winter that, uh, comes to 132 condoms per person. Did I mention that it will be romantically dark 24 hours a day and the next sunrise won't be until August 20th? You have to wonder if all that heat being generated could contribute to global warming.

We Don't Need No Educaiton

When the diplomas for graduates of Westlake High School near Cleveland showed up, they had to be sent back because there was an error. Boy, were their faces read! When they were reshipped administrators didn't think to check them again. Bad moove. When the students were handed their diplomas they noticed that "education" was spelled "educaiton." The publisher has reprinted them and will be going to summer school instead of working at Burger King.

Setting Records

1. Maxi Mounds, a Florida stripper, finally made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for having the world’s largest augmented breasts. She's a 36MM, with each breast weighing 20 pounds.

2. Monta Mino received a certificate from the Guinness World Records for "Most hours of live television by a host in one week." Mino is the regular host of a 11 live-broadcast programs, showing up on the tube for a total of 22 hours and 15 seconds every week. Take that Reeg!

3. A jumbo black watermelon was sold in Japan for a record $6,100. It's a bargain when you consider that a pair of "Yubari" cantaloupes sold recently for $23,500. None of them, however, were as large or weighed as much as Maxi Mounds'.

That's One Brain Per Head

In a book coming out this week, France's first lady talks about what made her fall head over heels in love with President Nicolas Sarkozy. No, it wasn't his money, nor his power. It wasn't even his eyes. It was "his five or six brains which are remarkably irrigated," the former supermodel writes. Of course considering where they say a man's brain is, that means he has five or six....oh, now I see the attraction. Now about the irrigation part.

Press Ham, Not Charges

A 21-year-old Dutch man was running down a street in Utrecht, Netherlands, with two friends when he thought it would be funny to moon the patrons in a restaurant. He dropped trou, pushed his butt against the window, and the glass broke, leaving him with "deep wounds to his derriere." The restaurant owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the window. Don't crack wise, he's already the butt of enough jokes about making an ass of himself.

Everything Drops—Uh, Pops—With Pringles

Pringles, those pseudo potato chips that we all turn our noses up at while hoping no one discovers we can easily devour a whole can in a sitting, now comes in a new flavor: Cremains. Fredric J. Baur, the man who came up with the Pringles container and the method of packaging the curved, stacked chips, died May 4. He'd asked that his ashes be buried in one of the cans and his children complied. Some of his remains went into a can — flavor unknown — that was put in his grave, some went into an urn that was buried next to the can, and some went in another urn that was given to his grandson. Hey, they couldn't taste any worse than pizza flavored Pringles.

Don't Squeeze the Karma

Last week at Cannes, Sharon Stone asked reporters if the May 12 earthquake in China that killed nearly 70,000 people might be karma for the way the Chinese government has treated the Dalai Lama. The other day she apologized, saying she misspoke and it was "a product of news sensationalism." Apparently she didn't mean to say it was karma, she meant to say it was charming. The press should have realized that.