Not To Mention There's That John Edwards Guy, too

Friends have told People magazine that Elizabeth Edwards was "disgusted" by the revealing photos of husband John Edwards' mistress, Rielle Hunter, that are in the new issue of GQ. Not only are the photos disgusting, but she's blonde, young, ruined her marriage, and doesn't have cancer, dammit.

Til Death Do Us Re-sign Our Record Deal

Michael Jackson has been signed to the biggest recording deal in history, nine months after he died. The $200 million contract with Sony Music Entertainment covers 10 projects over seven years, including an album of never-released recordings coming out in November, a video game, a DVD compilation of videos, a re-release of "Off the Wall," and a soon to be recorded album of duets with Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Luther Vandross, and Freddy Mercury.

Going Ape Over Underwear

Aussiebum, the Australian swimwear company that offers men's underwear that releases a chemical to make you feel refreshed and another pair that's designed to make you look, uh, larger, has come out with Banana, white underwear made of 64% cotton, 9% Lycra, and 27% banana fiber. Seriously. So now they offer two styles for those who don't have enough in their underwear.

There Ain't No Def In Deficit

The Treasury Department announced that the federal government posted its largest deficit on record during February, with spending outstripping revenue by a whopping $221 billion. This comes to $719.85 per person in the country. Oddly, that's also the exact amount the bank says my personal deficit was in February too.

Going For The Gold

The Winter Olympics in Vancouver are over and all the medals have been given out. Maybe. It seems there's one more that may need to be awarded—Most Condoms Used at an Olympic games. While condoms have been handed out since the 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona, this year Vancouver Coastal Health gave out 100,000 of them, 40,000 of which were passed out in the athlete villages. Considering 6,500 people were staying in those villages, that's 15 per person. Talk about endurance, stamina, and going for the gold!

Choco-News

Researchers from the University of Warwick in England have unveiled the world's first eco-race car, a Formula 3 model that can go from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds and hit a top speed of 135 miles per hour while running on leftover chocolate, carrots, potato starch, and flax. Meanwhile, a Harvard University professor has created Le Whif, an inhaler that gives you a quick snort of chocolate without the calories, sticky fingers, or taste. Now if they'd only get together we could have a race car that runs on chocolate inhalers or snortable flax for those who want to race to the bathroom.

I'll Take Serial Killer Number Two

Rodney Alcala had a moment of fame years before his recent conviction for murdering four women and a child. It turns out that back in 1979 he was Bachelor No. 1 on "The Dating Game," where host Jim Lange introduced him by saying he was, "A successful photographer who got his start when his father found him in the dark room at the age of 13, fully developed. Between takes you might find him skydiving or motorcycling." No mention of serial killing. Contestant Cheryl Bradshaw chose him, but later decided not to go out with him. Smart move. Within months he abducted and murdered a 12-year-old girl, the first of his victims. Hey, it could have been worse. She might have chosen Bachelor No. 2 or Bachelor No. 3—Ted Bundy and Hannibal Lechter.

If I Only Had A Brain

In an interview on the Today Show to plug his new book, “Courage and Consequence: My Life as a Conservative in the Fight," former presidential adviser Karl Rove told Matt Lauer, "I wasn't George Bush’s brain." And to think, it was him or nothing.

And What Did You Do Over Winter Break?

The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating audio tapes of the control tower at JFK airport made during winter break in which a child's voice can be heard directing pilots and clearing a plane for takeoff. The voice is later heard to ask how many planes have to take off before he can get to the next level, whether anyone has a computer he can use so he can search for a cheat that will unlock some weapons, and commenting that "Halo is much more fun."

Maybe It Will Help To Go To Sleep A Millisecond Earlier

As if the impending change to Daylight Savings Time isn't enough to throw off your internal clock and make you want to hit the snooze button, word comes from a scientist at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory that the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of a day by 1.26 milliseconds. According to my calculations, another 68,571,428 earthquakes like that and our day will shrink to nothing and vanish. Take that, Einstein!

Clean Air, Clean Water, Clean Speech, Dammit!

The California state Senate is set to vote today on a resolution that would designate the first week of March as "Cuss Free Week" in the state. Already passed by the Assembly, the measure would go into effect immediately—without a swearing in ceremony, of course— and become an annual event. Participation is encouraged but not required, it doesn't specify which words are considered cusses and which aren't, and if they don't have the balls to pass the damn thing they're nothing but a bunch of @*%!#^!&# wusses.