Doggy Style

Not To Mention There's That John Edwards Guy, too

2010-03-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

Friends have told People magazine that Elizabeth Edwards was "disgusted" by the revealing photos of husband John Edwards' mistress, Rielle Hunter, that are in the new issue of GQ. Not only are the photos disgusting, but she's blonde, young, ruined her marriage, and doesn't have cancer, dammit.

Til Death Do Us Re-sign Our Record Deal

2010-03-16T07:22:00.001-07:00

Michael Jackson has been signed to the biggest recording deal in history, nine months after he died. The $200 million contract with Sony Music Entertainment covers 10 projects over seven years, including an album of never-released recordings coming out in November, a video game, a DVD compilation of videos, a re-release of "Off the Wall," and a soon to be recorded album of duets with Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Luther Vandross, and Freddy Mercury.

Going Ape Over Underwear

2010-03-12T10:19:00.000-08:00

Aussiebum, the Australian swimwear company that offers men's underwear that releases a chemical to make you feel refreshed and another pair that's designed to make you look, uh, larger, has come out with Banana, white underwear made of 64% cotton, 9% Lycra, and 27% banana fiber. Seriously. So now they offer two styles for those who don't have enough in their underwear.

There Ain't No Def In Deficit

2010-03-11T09:25:00.000-08:00

The Treasury Department announced that the federal government posted its largest deficit on record during February, with spending outstripping revenue by a whopping $221 billion. This comes to $719.85 per person in the country. Oddly, that's also the exact amount the bank says my personal deficit was in February too.

Going For The Gold

2010-03-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

The Winter Olympics in Vancouver are over and all the medals have been given out. Maybe. It seems there's one more that may need to be awarded—Most Condoms Used at an Olympic games. While condoms have been handed out since the 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona, this year Vancouver Coastal Health gave out 100,000 of them, 40,000 of which were passed out in the athlete villages. Considering 6,500 people were staying in those villages, that's 15 per person. Talk about endurance, stamina, and going for the gold!

Choco-News

2010-03-09T10:19:00.000-08:00

Researchers from the University of Warwick in England have unveiled the world's first eco-race car, a Formula 3 model that can go from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds and hit a top speed of 135 miles per hour while running on leftover chocolate, carrots, potato starch, and flax. Meanwhile, a Harvard University professor has created Le Whif, an inhaler that gives you a quick snort of chocolate without the calories, sticky fingers, or taste. Now if they'd only get together we could have a race car that runs on chocolate inhalers or snortable flax for those who want to race to the bathroom.

I'll Take Serial Killer Number Two

2010-03-08T10:43:00.000-08:00

Rodney Alcala had a moment of fame years before his recent conviction for murdering four women and a child. It turns out that back in 1979 he was Bachelor No. 1 on "The Dating Game," where host Jim Lange introduced him by saying he was, "A successful photographer who got his start when his father found him in the dark room at the age of 13, fully developed. Between takes you might find him skydiving or motorcycling." No mention of serial killing. Contestant Cheryl Bradshaw chose him, but later decided not to go out with him. Smart move. Within months he abducted and murdered a 12-year-old girl, the first of his victims. Hey, it could have been worse. She might have chosen Bachelor No. 2 or Bachelor No. 3—Ted Bundy and Hannibal Lechter.

If I Only Had A Brain

2010-03-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

In an interview on the Today Show to plug his new book, “Courage and Consequence: My Life as a Conservative in the Fight," former presidential adviser Karl Rove told Matt Lauer, "I wasn't George Bush’s brain." And to think, it was him or nothing.

And What Did You Do Over Winter Break?

2010-03-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating audio tapes of the control tower at JFK airport made during winter break in which a child's voice can be heard directing pilots and clearing a plane for takeoff. The voice is later heard to ask how many planes have to take off before he can get to the next level, whether anyone has a computer he can use so he can search for a cheat that will unlock some weapons, and commenting that "Halo is much more fun."

Maybe It Will Help To Go To Sleep A Millisecond Earlier

2010-03-02T09:38:00.000-08:00

As if the impending change to Daylight Savings Time isn't enough to throw off your internal clock and make you want to hit the snooze button, word comes from a scientist at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory that the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of a day by 1.26 milliseconds. According to my calculations, another 68,571,428 earthquakes like that and our day will shrink to nothing and vanish. Take that, Einstein!

Clean Air, Clean Water, Clean Speech, Dammit!

2010-03-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

The California state Senate is set to vote today on a resolution that would designate the first week of March as "Cuss Free Week" in the state. Already passed by the Assembly, the measure would go into effect immediately—without a swearing in ceremony, of course— and become an annual event. Participation is encouraged but not required, it doesn't specify which words are considered cusses and which aren't, and if they don't have the balls to pass the damn thing they're nothing but a bunch of @*%!#^!&# wusses.

I Love What You Do For Me - Toyota!

2010-02-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, And Hannibal Lechter Had Issues

2010-02-25T09:05:00.000-08:00

Not everyone is down on Tiger Woods. Chris Brown, still on a downhill slide after assaulting then-girlfriend Rihanna, told a radio show host, “His personal life is his personal life. Nobody has the right to place judgment or make any judgment on somebody else’s personal life when they’re not directly involved with them.” Talk about the pot calling the kettle blackballed.

I Beg To Differ With The Esteemed #@!(%#! From Colombia

2010-02-23T08:49:00.000-08:00

A presidential shouting match erupted at a private luncheon for heads of state who were attending the "Latin American and Caribbean Unity Summit" being held in Cancun on Monday, with Hugo Chavez of Venezuela and Alvaro Uribe of Colombia calling each other names and using obscene language. Cuban President Raul Castro had to intervene, telling the peckerheads that it was a freakin' unity conference and to stop being dicks.

Reader's Digest Condensed Bankruptcy

2010-02-22T12:55:00.000-08:00

The publisher of Reader's Digest has emerged from Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection and in condensed version, no less—they did it in less than six months and now have a lot less debt. All they need now is more bathrooms to put the magazine in.

Do You Solemnly Arf to Tell The Meow, The Whole Oink, And Nothing But The Moo?

2010-02-19T09:24:00.000-08:00

Voters in Switzerland will go to the polls on March 7 to vote on whether every canton should be required to appoint a dedicated public prosecutor to represent the interests of pets and farm animals in court, much like the case two weeks ago when lawyer Antoine F. Goetschel of Zurich represented a dead fish in court, accusing a fisherman of having tortured the pike because it took 10 minutes to haul it into the boat. When asked to comment, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom said, "Damn. Why didn't I think of that?"

Illegal Tender

2010-02-18T09:58:00.000-08:00

South Carolina, the state that thanks to Governor Mark Sanford, the most babbling Miss Teen USA ever, and allowing guns to be purchased tax-free last Thanksgiving weekend to kick off holiday sales, has wrested the title of Most Fun State You Don't Want to Live In away from Florida. Now, just to make sure no other state can even think about toppling them, state Representative Mike Pitts introduced a bill in the state legislature to ban the use of Federal Reserve Notes and replace them with gold and silver coins. In response, the Treasury Department is recommending that South Carolina be banned and replaced by Puerto Rico.

It's Even Better When It's Prepared Cat-cciatore

2010-02-17T10:39:00.000-08:00

Beppe Bigazzi, who's been a star of the popular Italian cooking show La Prova del Cuoco for ten years, has been suspended indefinitely for telling viewers how tasty cooked cat can be. “I've eaten it myself and it’s a lot better than many other animals,” he said while discussing casserole of cat, a dish he said was famous in his home region of Tuscany. He did advise viewers that if they're going to try making it, the meat should be “soaked in spring water for three days” before being stewed. That's ridiculous! Everyone knows cat's much better when braised, though it's a lot of trouble since you have to cook it nine times.

Resurrect The Planet For Lent

2010-02-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

It may only be for 40 days, but some British Bishops are convinced that instead of giving up things like chocolate, Cokes, and haggis on rye for Lent, people should go on a "carbon fast" that will help save the planet. At the top of the list is giving up your iPod or cellphone to save electricity, but considering most people couldn't give up their iPod or cellphone for 40 minutes, much less days, they also suggest you eat by candlelight, cut meat and vegetables thinner so they cook faster, and flush the toilet less often. Additional ideas include giving up showering, whale hunting, and ozone-depleting flatulence.

Would You Like A One Hump Burger Or A Two Hump Burger?

2010-02-12T14:36:00.000-08:00

A story from the Xpress weekly says a restaurant in Dubai has added a quarter pound camel burger to the menu, making it the first in the United Arab Emirates to offer the delicacy. The restaurant claims the patties are fat- and cholesterol-free, which makes it healthy until they add the cheese and burger sauce. It comes with a side of potato wedges and, according to the paper "it could be washed down with a soft drink or a camel milkshake." Let's hope they mean camel milk shake.

Elect Sybil—They'll All Work For You

2010-02-11T10:44:00.000-08:00

When a Swedish newspaper asked parliament member Fredrick Federley why he went on an all expenses paid trip to the Canary Islands in January that was sponsored by ten companies including Norwegian airline when he'd previously said he wouldn't accept offers from the airline industry, he replied, "Well, this was pretty much tied to my drag personality, Ursula. It's not me as a member of parliament doing this; it's more a case of me travelling as my drag personality." Swedish voters are waiting to find out what his other personalities do while he's in office.

Is It Okay If I'm Just Bored To Serious Injury?

2010-02-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

An article published in the International Journal of Epidemiology says you can, in fact, be bored to death. Two researchers from University College London found that the more bored you are, the more likely you are to die early, a fact borne out by the number of people who keeled over before finishing the article.

It Gives New Meaning To Puppy Love

2010-02-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

A poll by Reuters/Ipsos of 24,000 people in 23 countries found that 21% of adults would rather spend Valentine's Day with their pet than their spouse. This in spite of the fact that not a single one of their pets had ever given them a dog-earred store bought card, box of fattening candy, or the last flowers left on the rack at Safeway.

This Is Your Captain Speaking. I Will Now Turn The A/C On Super High.

2010-02-08T15:51:00.000-08:00

Beginning May 1, American Airlines will start charging $8 for a pillow and blanket in coach on domestic flights as well as those to and from Canada, Mexico, Hawaii, the Caribbean, and Central America. The blue fleece blanket and inflatable neck pillow come in a clear zippered pouch that will be delivered by a flight attendant to your seat. Well, providing you paid extra so you can sit during the flight.

And We'll Serve Your Fish And Chips On Chinet®

2010-02-05T08:50:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to avert 87,000 pub brawl injuries involving broken glass and $4.2 billion in health care costs each year, Britain's Home Secretary announced that Britons would stop their binge drinking. Just kidding. Actually he unveiled a shatter-proof pint beer glass which he hopes "will bring an end to these attacks." Once the glasses are in common use and drunk Britons return to the good old days of punching and using knives, the government plans to issue padded boxing gloves and rubber knife-tips to patrons as they enter pubs.

It's Like Disneyworld With A Swedish Accent

2010-02-04T10:01:00.000-08:00

If you're one of those people who own all of ABBA's records, listen to them daily, and have watched "Mamma Mia" so many times you no longer have any friends, you should jet to London and visit ABBAWORLD. That's right, there are 25 rooms—over 30,000 glorious sq ft!—full of ABBA-bilia, including costumes, a recreation of their recording studio, even the helicopter from the cover of the "Arrival" album. You can take interactive quizzes, remix their records, and of course buy everything in the gift shop. If it's successful, look for Phase II to include a full fledged theme park, with rides like the Dancing Queen, which is like Dance Dance Revolution in drag, the Fernando bullfighting ride, and the Waterloo, which will make you feel defeated and be the last ride you ever go on. Go ahead, take a chance on them!

Ain't Nothin' Like The Real Haggis

2010-02-03T10:47:00.000-08:00

According to the BBC, the U.S. government is looking to allow Scotland's famous offal—or is that spelled awful?—hash, haggis, to be imported into the country for the first time in 21 years. Banned during the Great Mad Cow Disease Hysteria of 1989, it's made from the heart, liver, and lungs of a sheep, all stuffed into a sheep's stomach and cooked. Most of it's kosher—well, in a non-religious context anyway—it's the lung part that makes it illegal to import. While American versions exist that are made without lung, according to haggis producer Fraser MacGregor of Cockburn's in Dingwall, it "isn't haggis," which in a nutshell answers the age-old question: What's the difference between haggis and Alpo?

And You Thought Groundhogs Had iPaws

2010-02-02T13:58:00.000-08:00

This was supposed to be the year Punxsutawney Phil went high-tech, with promises of a text message and tweet to announce his prediction. Well, he wandered out of his den at dawn today, saw his shadow, and the grand announcement was made that we'd have six more weeks of winter. Two hours later a text message went out to that effect, followed soon after by a Twitter update. According to an AP story, "Officials with the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club didn't immediately return calls about Phil's texting skills" though they promised to reply by email as soon as they remember where the "Send" button is.

Pork - The Other Viagra

2010-01-28T09:49:00.000-08:00

Argentine President Cristina Fernandez says eating pork can improve your sex life. "I'd say it's a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra," she said in a televised speech. She went on to explain that she recently ate pork and "things went very well that weekend." [Insert favorite eating pork or South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford joke here.]

Will RoboPhil See His Shadow?

2010-01-27T08:43:00.000-08:00

Groundhog Day is almost here, the time when Punxsutawney Phil and Bill Murray come out of hibernation, we find out if spring is right around the corner, and PETA, as usual, tries to spoil the fun. That's right, an official for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) came out and said it's unfair and cruel to keep America's favorite groundhog in captivity and subject him to huge crowds and bright lights like some rodent Hannah Montana. They suggest letting him go and using RoboPhil, an animatronic model, instead. Since the group's official spoke publicly and saw his shadow, be prepared for at least six more weeks of PETA.

It's Like Cutting Off Your Payess To Spite Your Yarmulke

2010-01-26T09:34:00.001-08:00

First China wants to censor the Internet, now a group of ultra-Orthodox "haredi" rabbis in Israel are telling their followers to boycott websites that are filled with "gossip, slander... filth and abominations." You know, like heredi websites run by their followers. In a letter published in ultra-Orthodox newspapers, 21 top rabbis said, "We must vilify these sites and purge them from our midst." It takes self-loathing to new virtual places.

The Dog Ate My Good Excuse

2010-01-25T13:45:00.000-08:00

Mircea Geoana, who was defeated in his bid to become President of Romania, claims he lost unfairly. No, he doesn't think winner Traian Basescu stuffed the ballot box, prevented people from voting, or deliberately glued hanging chads on ballots to confuse people. Instead he claims Basecu used an occult "violet flame," negative energy generated by purple ties and sweaters, and the help of a parapsychologist the Romanian Association of Transpersonal Psychology (RAT-P) says specializes in deep mind control, clairvoyance and hypnotic trances to win. It makes you long for the days of good sportsmanship, graceful losers, and explanations like "The dog ate the ballot box" or "Sarah Palin was on the ticket," doesn't it?

I Think That I Shall Never See, Some Porn Lovely As A Tree

2010-01-22T13:37:00.000-08:00

William Shaw of Airdrie, Scotland, gave new meaning to being a tree hugger when he was arrested in a public park with his pants and underpants around his knees trying to have sex with a tree. He pleaded not guilty in court yesterday and was let out on bail as long as he stays out of the park. In his defense, it was by all accounts a really hot looking elm. And he did have wood.

When You Absolutely, Positively Don't Know What Privacy Means

2010-01-21T11:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes status updates and tweets just don't tell enough juicy details about your personal life. That's why it's good that someone started Blippy, a new web site that broadcasts details about what you've been buying. Just sign up, enter your credit card information, and voila! In no time people will see where you shopped, how much you paid, and in many cases what you bought. Remember, it's not possible to be so egocentric as to think everyone isn't interested in every detail of your life. Yet.

And Who's Been Warming Up My Bed?

2010-01-20T14:06:00.000-08:00

Starting in a couple of weeks, Holiday Inn hotels in London and Manchester England will be offering a new service that makes turning down the covers and leaving a chocolate on your pillow old boring hat. All you have to do is ask and they'll send someone to your room to warm up your bed before you climb in. Seriously. The bed warmer will wear a head-to-toe sleeper suit and spend five minutes curled up in your sheets to make them warm, toasty, and give them that lovely "a stranger's been sleeping in my bed" feel. According to a spokeswoman for Holiday Inn, it's ''like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed." A living, breathing hot water bottle that's been climbing in and out of other people's beds for the past several hours.

I'm Sorry, the MAC Counter Is In The Next Cave

2010-01-19T09:07:00.000-08:00

A scientist from the University of Bristol in England says he's uncovered evidence at a Spanish excavation that proves Neanderthals wore jewelry and makeup. Meanwhile visitors to any mall in New Jersey can see that they still do.

If I Only Had A Smirk

2010-01-18T11:30:00.000-08:00

A company in Michigan has decided that the computer world's emoticons are sorely lacking one important feeling to convey—sarcasm. That's why Sarcmark has created a sarcasm mark. It's not an emoticon, it's actually a mark you can add to emails, IMs and other documents right from your keyboard. And it looks like this: . It's available for a bunch of platforms (sorry, no iPhone version yet), comes with often complicated instructions on how to install and use it, and only costs $1.99 per computer or device. Yes, that's for each one. This is without a doubt exactly what we've been needing—to pay for a new emoticon! [Put favorite sarcasm emoticon here]

What Part Of Survival Of The Fittest Don't You Understand?

2010-01-15T09:21:00.000-08:00

A few days ago an Australian man walked into a gas station holding a knife and told the clerk to give him all the money in the cash register. Lucky for him he wore a plastic bag over his head as a disguise. Unlucky for him it was a clear plastic bag so his face was captured on the surveillance video.

Boy, Do I Feel Lucky

2010-01-14T10:05:00.000-08:00

It's no big news that Google's getting its tentacles into everything, from books to maps, cell phones to toilet paper. Yes, toilet paper. In Vietnam there's a new brand of toilet paper named "Google" that's, uh, cleaning up. It's up for grabs whether it's trademark infringement or bad spelling —"New Goggle brand toilet paper is softer than cardboard!"—but one thing's for certain, you shouldn't have to search hard to find it.

Can I Just Play Halo Until I Need Glasses?

2010-01-13T09:18:00.000-08:00

After an argument with his wife, a man in Xining, China, went to a cyber cafe where he played online games for four straight days without sleeping, at which time he lost his sight and had to be taken to the hospital. Doctors say it was temporary blindness and the man will be okay. Well, as soon as his thumbs stop twitching, he quits trying to change the angle at which he views the world by pushing buttons on the TV remote, and he divorces the online character he married in a virtual Las Vegas chapel.

Holy Ghost In The Machine

2010-01-12T10:05:00.000-08:00

In Bali they leave offerings by computers to help keep them running. In London the other day, the Rev. Canon David Parrott of St. Lawrence Jewry church performed his version by reciting a blessing over parishioners' cell phones, laptops, and PDAs, a welcome change from the curses these devices so often endure.

"In the name of Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Grace Hopper, we ask that you give this device a spiritual reboot, protect it from crashing, and show Apple the light so it will allow a Google Voice app to be approved. Amen."

So White Isn't Really The New Black?

2010-01-11T09:57:00.000-08:00

In a radio interview, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said it was stupid of him to have told Esquire magazine that he's "blacker than Barack Obama" and that he doesn't actually believe it anyway. "Ask Harry Reid," he said. "He'll tell you I'm actually light skinned and have no Negro dialect. Well, unless I want one, of course."

Cell Phones, The Memory Enhancer

2010-01-08T16:47:00.000-08:00

A study done at the Alzheimer's Disease Research Center in Florida found that the same cell phone radiation that some people think causes brain tumors can actually protect memory, prevent dementia, and even reverse Alzheimer's disease. At least in mice. While it's too soon to know if it has the same effect on humans, at least it's good to know that cell phone-talking mice will have an easier time remembering where they left their iPhones than those who use landlines.

I Am Feeling Sleepy.....

2010-01-06T08:43:00.000-08:00

The other day Helmut Kichmeier, whose stage name is Hannibal Helmurto when he performs with England's Circus of Horrors, was practicing putting himself into a hypnotic trance while staring into a mirror. When his wife came home five hours later she found him staring blankly into the mirror, unable to respond to her voice. She called the hypnotherapist who had taught him the skill and he managed to talk Kichmeier out of the trance. It's a good thing the hypnotherapist was home. And that Kichmeier hadn't been practicing to become a brain surgeon.

Famous First Words

2010-01-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

A poll published by Jean Gross, England's Communications Champion—a new post created by the Children's Secretary, in case that clears anything up—found that more children uttered "Dada" as their first word, not "Mama" as you'd expect. The third most common word was "cat," though some parents claim their child's first word was "beer" or "Hoover." That's Hoover as in the British word for vacuum cleaner, not the dam, 31st President, ex-head of the FBI, or the parents whose child would actually say that.

One Pound Over The Line

2010-01-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

If you're not feeling particularly good about the shape you're in after the holiday season, be glad you're not a member of BeautifulPeople.com. As a part of their ban on "ugly people," they expelled more than 5,000 members who had been reported by other members after posting photos that showed they'd put on weight over the holidays. But not to worry, when they re-beautify themselves they can apply to be reinstated. And in the meantime they can always join ExtraHolidayPounds.com, UseToBeABeautifulPerson.com, and PeopleOfWalmart.com.

Always Remember Never To Forget To Always Remember Never To....

2009-12-28T10:20:00.001-08:00

In a study published in the journal Nature, a group of scientists reports that they've permanently wiped out bad memories in humans by using simple behavioral techniques. Unfortunately the procedure isn't publicly available yet so for now you'll have to use the standard techniques of drinking, blocking, and denial to forget about last week's Christmas holiday with the family.

Merry Happy Everything!

2009-12-24T22:00:00.000-08:00

Thou Shalt Not Steal Unless You Need To

2009-12-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

Father Tim Jones, the parish priest of St. Lawrence and St. Hilda church in York, England, was telling the Nativity story in a sermon the other day when he stopped and told his congregation that it was okay to shoplift if they were desperate as long as they stole from large national chains and not small, family-owned businesses. Parishioners nodded understandably, then asked if he had any clarifications they should know about "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

This Is The Best Day Of Our Life. So Far.

2009-12-23T09:27:00.000-08:00

In an article titled "Aristotle's Virtues and Homer's Doughnut," the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano congratulated The Simpson's on its 20th anniversary. The newspaper praised the TV show's philosophical leanings and said that without Homer Simpson "many today wouldn't know how to laugh." To those who wonder how the Vatican can applaud a TV show that often pokes fun at religion, the newspaper went on to say, "What the deuce? Family Guy makes us pee our robes but you don't see us congratulating them on anything, do you?"

I Now Pronounce You Man And Video Game

2009-12-21T11:16:00.000-08:00

A Japanese man who goes by the name SAL9000 has married Nene Anegasaki, a virtual character he met on the dating simulation game "Love Plus," in a ceremony that was broadcast live on Youtube. After the ceremony the happy couple—she safely ensconced on his Nintendo DS—went on a honeymoon to Guam. Wedding gifts are being accepted. The happy couple is registered at VirtualGifts4U, Facebook pokes, Isetan department stores, and the Tokyo Hospital for the Criminally Insane.

Santa Claus Is Bad For Your Health

2009-12-17T09:27:00.000-08:00

A professor in the Department of Epidemiology and Preventative Medicine of Monash University in Australia thinks Santa Claus is a bad role model. He's overweight, is often shown smoking a pipe and drinking brandy while driving his sleigh, and is seen promoting sugary soft drinks every year. Nathan Grills thinks a healthier Santa could be effective in promoting a more positive message to kids about diet and lifestyle. If he had his way Santa would look like Keanu Reeves and kids would leave plates of sushi and glasses of vitamin water for him. Not to worry, the reindeer can still eat carrots and apples.

It Gives New Meaning To Being As Comfortable As An Old Shoe

2009-12-16T08:44:00.000-08:00

A survey by a British company that makes shoe storage systems found that while more than 92% of women could remember the first shoes they bought with their own money, not even two-thirds of them could recall the name of the guy they kissed for the first time. It could be because the shoes last longer, make them look better, and when put away and out of sight they stay that way.

Anyone Check The Lost And Found?

2009-12-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

After a two-year search, computer technicians have found 22 million emails from the Bush administration that had been MIA since October 2003.

"Whoa! Look what I found when I lifted the cushions on the White House couch. Twenty-two cents in change, that super ball I've been looking for, some half chewed pieces of pretzel, and 22 million missing emails. Hey, maybe if look behind that bookcase I can find Bush's missing integrity."

Fly Your Fat Away!

2009-12-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

Just on time for Hanukkah comes the news that a company is building a plant in Iowa to convert schmaltz, better known to most people as chicken fat, into jet fuel. No word on whether El Al Airlines will be the first to use it, whether the jet exhaust will smell like chopped liver, or whether the process will work with human fat, meaning one day liposuction donations could be used to offset your carbon footprint.

Coke. It's The Real Sh*t.

2009-12-11T11:54:00.000-08:00

Alistair Beswick was logging onto Coca Cola's English CokeZone website when he was asked to enter a couple of words as a security key. You know, the word codes called "Captchas" that stop non-humans from logging in. To his surprise, he was asked to enter "u f**kr". Trying not to take it personally, he typed it in, confirmed his registration, and redeemed his coupon for free gifts. Hopefully he got the T-shirt that says: "Coke, it's the real sh*t."

George Washington Didn't Sleep Here But Barack Obama Ate Here

2009-12-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

After kicking off a national listening tour about the economy last week at Pennsylvania's Lehigh Carbon Community College, President Barack Obama stopped by the Hamilton Family Restaurant for a bite to eat. Owner George Malke isn't just going to frame photographs of the President's visit, he's planning to put the plate, cup, and silverware on display in a glass case, though probably without the presidential food scraps that are still on them. He also says he's saving the table and chair Obama used. One can only hope the President didn't go to the bathroom while he was there.

Smoking Is Bad For Your Self-Esteem

2009-12-09T14:59:00.000-08:00

According to the World Health Organization, tobacco use kills at least 5 million people every year. Since nearly 95 percent of the world's population isn't protected by anti-smoking laws, we have to rely on cigarette pack warnings to get people to stop. Unfortunately, it turns out they can have the opposite effect. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that by warning smokers their habit can be fatal, the labels can cause them to smoke more as a means of coping with the bad news. Warnings unrelated to death, such as "smoking makes you unattractive" or "smoking brings you and the people around you severe damage," were more effective. Maybe they should try "Smoking causes wrinkles, bad breath, stinky clothes, and pariahism, which is not to be confused with priapism."

We Will Land In Minneapolis As Soon As We Find It

2009-12-08T08:48:00.000-08:00

The two Northwest Airlines pilots who flew 150 miles past their destination of Minneapolis last October are blaming air traffic controllers who they say didn't follow correct rules and procedures rather than their having been preoccupied with their laptops trying to learn how to use a new crew scheduling program. Hey, at least they didn't say "The dog ate our flight plan" or "No one told us they moved Minneapolis to Minnesota. How were we to know?"

If If Looks Like Kangaroo And Tastes Like Kangaroo, It Must Be A Chip

2009-12-04T08:52:00.000-08:00

Smith's Crisps, an Australian potato chip manufacturer, recently held a contest in which people suggested a new chip flavor, then everyone voted for their favorite. The winning suggestion was worth $30,000 plus 1% of sales. Late Night Kebab, Caesar Salad, and Buttered Popcorn were all outvoted by BBQ Coat of Arms, a kangaroo and emu flavored potato chip. Needless to say, there's an uproar over it, saying it degrades native wildlife and that ''It implies that it is perfectly OK to kill kangaroos and emus, just for fun!'' Smith's says the new flavor honors the native Australian animals. Not to mention that the chips don't actually contain any emu or kangaroo and are, in fact, okay for vegetarians. What's the big deal? Here in the U.S. you can buy Eagle brand Condensed Milk, Old Glory pet food, and Bush baked beans.

Look Mummy, No Cavities!

2009-12-03T10:24:00.000-08:00

After poring over research on more than 3,000 mummies, anatomists and paleopathologists at the University of Zurich concluded that 18% of all mummies suffered from an array of dental diseases including worn teeth, periodontal disease, abscesses, and cavities, proving that dentists were in short supply in ancient Egypt, the English are without a doubt descended from the Egyptians, and cheap jokes will be around forever.

Paul May Be Dead, But Ringo's A Drop Of Water

2009-12-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

Researchers at Duke University in North Carolina wanted to better understand "superhydrophobicity," which is when a plant is extremely water-repellent. They used high-speed microscopic imaging to photograph a drop of water bouncing off a lotus leaf and discovered that the leaf's natural vibrations are what shake off the water. Analyzing the same photographs, Physicsworld.com discovered that the water drop looks exactly like Ringo Starr. Could found images of the Beatles be bigger than images of Jesus on irons and tortillas? Can you sell a drop of water on eBay? Does this prove that Paul really is the walrus?

Loneliness — Don't Catch It!

2009-12-01T09:51:00.000-08:00

A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology says colds, swine—I mean, H1N1—flu, and STDs aren't the only things that are contagious, loneliness is too. They found that lonely people “infect” or “transmit” their feelings of loneliness to their friends, who in turn become lonely. They recommend that you try not to come in contact with lonely people, but if you do, ask them to cover their mouth with their hand before venting, be sure to wash your karma in warm soapy water afterwards, and consider wearing a surgical mask, eye shade, and earplugs when you're around them.

Making A Living Off The Fat Of The Land

2009-11-30T10:14:00.000-08:00

Police in Peru have arrested three men, charging them with kidnapping dozens of people, killing them, and draining the fat from the corpses to sell on the black market for use in making cosmetics. Two of the men were carrying bottles of liquid human fat when arrested, telling police it was worth $60,000 a gallon. This has prompted the FBI to warn Americans who participated in last week's Thanksgiving gorge fest to be on the alert for copycats who need the money so they can pay outrageous prices for scalped Zhu Zhu Pets.

Norman Rockwell Lied

2009-11-25T23:31:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

All That Glitters Is Not The Silverdome

2009-11-25T10:38:00.000-08:00

The Silverdome football stadium in Pontiac, Michigan, which cost $55.7 million when it was built in 1975, has been sold at auction for $583,000, which is about 1% of its original cost and less than the median price of a home in San Francisco. It was bought by a group of real estate investors from Toronto who plan to move the stadium to Canada where more people are employed so they can afford to buy tickets to see sporting events.

These Toys Rn't Us

2009-11-24T15:07:00.000-08:00

Just as they have for the past 24 years, the U.S. Public Interest Research Group has released their annual list of dangerous toys just in time for Christmas shopping. The bad toy list includes the Stompers Triceratops from Playskool that they say is loud enough to cause hearing loss and Pretty Princess Puppy Purse from Claire's that has "potentially toxic" chemicals. While not dangerous, they're discouraging parents from purchasing Put Your Clothes Back On Elmo, Ethnic Cleansing Barbie, and the Zhu Zhu Pets Special Edition Richard Gere Gerbil.

Give Galileo A Hand

2009-11-23T11:09:00.000-08:00

Ninety-five years after he died, Galileo's body was moved from a storage place to a tomb in Santa Croce Basilica in Florence. During the move people managed to remove three fingers, a vertebra, and a tooth. The spineless thieves were never fingered, though one of the digits was recovered and is in the Museum of the History of Science in Florence while the vertebra is at the University of Padua. The tooth and other two fingers were, well, missing. Recently an 18th-century glass vase was bought at an auction and—lo and behold!—the thumb, finger, and tooth inside turned out to be Galileo's. They won't be dropped off the Leaning Tower of Pisa, they'll go on display at the Museum of the History of Science next spring. Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figaro Magnifico-o-o-o-o!

Da Shroud of Turin Code

2009-11-20T09:11:00.000-08:00

In a new book, Vatican historian Barbara Frale says computer enhanced images of the Shroud of Turin show faintly written words in Greek, Latin, and Aramaic that prove it's Jesus' burial cloth, this in spite of the radiocarbon dating that found the shroud was made in the 13th or 14th century. Frale says the writing includes the name "Jesus Nazarene" in Greek, a partial word in Latin that reads "iber," more Greek that can be translated as "removed at the ninth hour," and the Aramaic phrase "Honk if you love the guy buried in this shroud."

The Mile High Plastic Surgery Club

2009-11-18T08:40:00.000-08:00

Having trouble cashing in your frequent flier miles because there are no seats left? Let them accrue and get a breast implant. Or a face lift. Or even hair replacement. You can do this with Finnair's Plus Loyalty program. Breast augmentation surgery at Nordstroem Hospital in Helsinki—you didn't think they were going to do this in-flight, did you?—will set you back 3.18 million points, which is 120 round-trip flights between Helsinki and New York. Pre-purchase consultation, warranty—seriously!—and in-flight headphones for the movie are extra.

Don't Ask About The Gerbil Suite

2009-11-17T08:47:00.000-08:00

Tired of the W? Looking for bigger and better hotel thrills? Head to Nantes, France, where you can sleep in the Hamster villa. Yes, for only 99 euros ($158) a night you can live like a hamster by having hamster chow for meals, running in a giant wheel, and sleeping in hay stacks. Why? According to owner Yann Falquerho, who dressed as a hamster for the interview with Reuters, "Often, the adults who come here have wanted or did have hamsters when they were small." Or maybe they watched Hamsterdance a few too many times during their formative years.

Have You Got A Prescription For That Dessert?

2009-11-16T09:02:00.000-08:00

Student chefs at a culinary school in Colombia have created a "love dessert" made with passion fruit—which got its name because Catholic missionaries thought parts of the fruit had religious connotations, not because of any aphrodisiac qualities—whipped cream, chocolate, and Viagra. Yes, you need a prescription to order it. No, they don't make any promises. And no, they're not planning on making another version as a banana split.

Why You Should Have A Free-Range Mother

2009-11-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

When 27-year-old Sergey Gavrilov's mother refused to give him money for vodka, he did what any deranged Russian son would do—he hit her over the head with a brick, strangled her with an electric cord, put her body out on the balcony, and went on a two-day drinking and gambling binge. Soon after, he ran out of food so for the next month he made soup and pasta sauce using meat sliced from his mother's frozen body. He confessed to the crime, but explained that "I did not like the meat very much. It was too fatty. But I was so hungry, I had to eat it." He was given 14 years and three months in jail, slightly less than the 15 years the Russian criminal code dictates because, as the judge so sympathetically—or is that pathetically?—said, "He was not keen to eat the meat, he just was hungry." Besides, the closest Safeway was too far to stagger to.

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The...CLICK

2009-11-12T11:55:00.000-08:00

According to the dating website BeautifulPeople.com, which only lets "beautiful people" join, the British are just about the ugliest people in the world. You see, when someone applies to become a member, they post a recent photo and fill out a personal profile. Then existing members of the opposite sex vote on whether to accept them or not. Swedish men are at the top with 65% of them being accepted, while 76% of Norwegian women are allowed to join. Nearly 1.8 million people from 190 countries have been rejected, including seven out of eight British men and four out of five British women. Only Russian and Polish men have done worse. Apparently Photoshop doesn't have a strong market penetration in Britain, Russia and Poland.

Can I Have A Scoop Of Oat Bran Resveratrol Cookie Dough, Please?

2009-11-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

A professor of food chemistry at the University of Missouri-Columbia is trying to create ice cream that's good for you by adding fiber, antioxidants and probiotics. Ingolf Gruen admits that it will be important for the ice cream to also taste good, but is convinced that Flax Heathbar Omega-3 Crunch could be a hit.

Can You Grow One Without Hare?

2009-11-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Researchers at the Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center's Institute for Regenerative Medicine have discovered the Holy Rabbit Grail—they've managed to create artificial bunny penises. They did this by taking a small piece of rabbit penis tissue and using it to grow cells in a lab dish. Then they seeded the cells onto a scaffold made of rabbit penis cartilage, watered it, and six weeks later—voila!—they had a new, working rabbit penis. While they may not be as lucky as rabbit's feet to us humans, they're much luckier for the rabbits that donated their cartilage.

Hit 'Em When They're Up, Hit 'Em When They're Down

2009-11-09T13:13:00.001-08:00

The Wall Street Journal reports that Reynolds American, the country's second-largest cigarette manufacturer, is in talks to buy Niconovum, a Swedish company that makes products to help people stop smoking. It's a concept. One akin to your local neighborhood heroin dealer opening a rehab clinic.

What's An Aging Doll To Do?

2009-11-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

You might remember that a few years back Barbie dumped Ken after 43 fun years together, then took up with an Australian boogie boarder named Blaine. Well it didn't work out —go figure—so they brought Ken back a year later. So what's Ken up to these days? He's a Palm Beach Sugar Daddy. Yes, that's what Mattel is calling their new doll: "Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken." He wears white pants and a patterned green blazer, has a George Hamilton tan and a coif that trumps Donald Trumps', and walks a little white dog. Mattel says the $81.99 doll got its name because the dog is named Sugar and Ken is the dog's "daddy." Uh huh. Sure. Right. They also say the doll, which is due out next April, is intended for adults. Can the Apocalypse be far behind?

Aren't All Dolls Homeless Before Someone Buys Them?

2009-11-05T08:39:00.000-08:00

Suppose you already have the coolest American Girl dolls. You know, like the African-American doll, American Indian doll, Jewish doll, and even the one that "lived" during the Great Depression. Well now you can get one from the Great Recession. Mattel has released Gwen Thompson, the first homeless doll. According to the pamphlet that comes with it, Gwen's father walked out on the family, her mother lost her job, and now she and Mom live in a car. Like most homeless people, she can be yours for only $95. Car, dirty clothes, and empty Starbucks cup to hold out to passersby are extra.

Men Aren't The Only Birdbrains With A Sensitive Side

2009-11-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

A professor at the University of Colorado claims magpies aren't just aggressive predators, but much like the modern human male in movies, they also have a compassionate side. He studied four of the birds and noticed that they feel grief and hold funeral gatherings for their fallen friends, even laying grass "wreaths" beside their bodies. Heckle and Jeckle refused comment for the story because they were in mourning.

Now That's A Presidential Dynasty

2009-11-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

BridgeAnne d'Avignon, a seventh-grader in Watsonville, California, created a family tree with the help of her 80-year-old grandfather that shows the genealogical relationship between all the U.S. presidents. It turns out that President Barack Obama is related to every other U.S. president except Martin Van Buren, each being traced back to John "Lackland" Plantagenet, a king of England and signer of the Magna Carta. She also discovered that Obama is her 11th cousin, that everyone in the world is related because we all trace back to a single 3.8-billion-year-old organism, and that creationists don't believe in evolution because they have yet to evolve.

Is Michael Jackson Really Paul McCartney?

2009-11-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

A video is circulating of a Larry King CNN Special on Michael Jackson that many people think includes several scenes in which Michael's ghostly spirit can be seen in the background. Even stranger, they say at least one of the scenes was cut out when the show was re-broadcast! Larry King and his crew say what people see is actually the shadow of a crew member. Others say it's further proof that Paul is dead. Who knows? After all, if Larry King can host a show when he's obviously been dead for years, anything is possible.

Cleans Your Soul As Well As Your Windows

2009-10-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

A study by researchers at Brigham Young University found that people in a room that had been sprayed with citrus-scented Windex were more virtuous than those in an unscented room, being more prone to split money evenly with other people, willing to volunteer their time, and apt to donate money to charity. They also could see out of their glasses better, had a craving for oranges, and grinned like Stepford Wives saying, "My windows have never been cleaner and streak-free! And I've never felt so uprightly moral!"

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...Cheaply

2009-10-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

Wal-Mart quietly began selling coffins on its website last week. They offer 15 caskets and dozens of urns in prices ranging from $999 to $3,199. They ship within 48 hours and let you pay for your purchase over a period of 12 months with no interest. Assuming, of course, that you're around to finish paying. This comes on the heels of Costco, which has been selling coffins in select stores since 2004 and more recently started selling them online. The selection is similar but at Wal-Mart you don't have to buy a six-pack.

Redistribute Your Body's, Uh, Wealth

2009-10-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

For a woman who prefers breasts to thighs—and when it comes to their body, name one who doesn't?—a plastic surgeon in Miami is liposuctioning excess fat from a part of the body that has too much and using it to augment the breasts. Not only does it look more natural than implants and leave no scar or incision, it's environmentally correct because your fat is being recycled instead of being released into a landfill. Think of it as downsizing and upsizing at the same time.

Would You Like Fries With That Singed Sheep Head?

2009-10-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

The three McDonald's restaurants in Iceland are all closing this weekend, thanks to rising costs that meant they'd need to increase the price of a Big Mac by 20 percent, which would have made it the world's most expensive, costing a whopper—I mean, whopping—780 krona, or $6.36. The franchisees plan to reopen the stores under the name Metro. Maybe they should stick to traditional Icelandic favorites like cured shark, singed sheep heads, and laufabrauð (deep-fried bread). With special sauce, of course.

What The Well Dressed Paranoid Is Wearing This Flu Season

2009-10-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

A Japanese clothing manufacturer has released a men's suit impregnated with titanium dioxide, which the company says will break down and kill any swine flu—uh, H1N1—on the fabric in a matter of hours. Costing $590, the suit comes in four colors to match your face mask and, even though it eliminates 40% of the virus, won't do a damned thing to help flu paranoia.

When In Rome, Do As Berlusconi Does

2009-10-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told CNN he governs Italy out of a sense of duty, not because he enjoys it. "I'm doing what I do with a sense of sacrifice," he said. "I don't really like it. Not at all." When asked about his supposed affair with 18-year-old aspiring model Noemi Letizia, he said the exact same thing.

Your Money Or Your Breasts

2009-10-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

When Miss California USA officials took Carrie Prejean's crown last June for belligerent behavior, lack of cooperation and contract breaches, or her opposition to same-sex marriage depending on which side you believe, it was disclosed that not only had Prejean had breast augmentation surgery so she could be competitive in the national pageant, but pageant officials had loaned her the money. Well now they're suing to get her to repay the $5,200 she borrowed for the implants. She's writing a tell-all book, they want the book's profits, and legal minds everywhere are wondering, Is it legal to repay a loan for fake breasts using counterfeit money? And if she doesn't pay up, can you garnishee her breast implants?

If Only Sushi Could Talk

2009-10-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

A researcher in the Department of Psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara reports that when a dead salmon he bought at a local market was put in an fMRI scanner and shown a photographs of humans displaying different emotions, the scan indicated parts of the fish's brain lit up. Proof the fish was still thinking? Or does it show that even salmon have a sole? According to study leader Craig Bennett, who had previously scanned a pumpkin and a dead bird to no avail, it simply shows how easy it is to get misleading results from an MRI. Maybe they should try the experiment with Richard Heene, Balloon Boy's father, and see if they discover any brain activity there.

Get An Energy Lift AND A Facelift

2009-10-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

Sure, Starbucks has come out with Via, an instant coffee they say is revolutionary and worthy of carrying their logo, but can it make you look younger? Heck no, but a new version of Nescafe released in Singapore might. New Nescafe 3 in 1 includes coffee, skimmed milk, and 200 mg of collagen, the protein cosmetic surgeons use to remove facial wrinkles and puff up the lips. Can Botox Coke and Special K with Silicone be far behind?

Hello, This Is Your Pill Bottle Speaking

2009-10-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

A company in Massachusetts is putting out pill bottle caps that call to remind you to take your pills. You set the time you're supposed to take it, then if the bottle isn't opened, the cap and a night light start blinking. A few minutes later they play music. If that doesn't work, the built-in cell phone calls the company's computer, which calls or sends a text message. The big question is, What ring tone do you use for your pill bottle? Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit? Something from Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill? Or Just Like a Pill by Pink?

Barbie, The Imperfect Woman

2009-10-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

In honor of Barbie's 50th birthday—she doesn't look a day over 25, does she?—French shoe designer Christian Louboutin is creating three special edition dolls that will wear mini versions of his shoes and come with little Louboutin shoe boxes. But sacre bleu! Louboutin says the curvaceous Barbie's ankles are fat. Too fat, in fact, to wear his shoes. So Mattel is doing a little, uh, plastic surgery on Barbie's legs for these dolls. Coming soon: Botox Barbie and Nip 'n Tuck Barbie.

Like A Mood Ring For Stock Brokers

2009-10-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Ever sat around trying to decide whether to buy or sell a stock? If so, you need "The Rationalizer," a gadget created in the Netherlands by Philips Electronics and ABN Amro bank. You just put on their "EmoBracelet" and—voila!—you turn into a gloomy, whiny, suicidal singer. Just kidding. Actually it's a galvanic skin response sensor—think the finger part of a lie detector or Scientology E-Meter—that measures how much you're sweating, then sends a signal to an "EmoBowl" on your desk that glows yellow, orange, or red depending on how emotional you are. Supposedly it helps warn you when you're being too emotional to be rational about the stock trade, but since it can't tell positive from negative emotions, you might just be excited, not irrational. Think of it as an expensive Mood ring. Or another executive desk toy like the Newton's Cradle, those suspended metal balls that bounce side to side as they hit the others.

They Don't Call Her Princess Peach For Nothing

2009-10-11T05:52:00.000-07:00

A survey conducted by video game company Konami found that one out of five Japanese men polled were interested in pursuing love with a character in a video game. It also found that 40% of them thought this was a viable consideration. When asked to define reality, 64% of the respondents said they weren't sure but they expected to know once they reached Level 7, though they admitted they'd need to look up a game cheat to get there.

What Comes After A Gazillion Again?

2009-10-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

Dalton Chiscolm is upset at Bank of America because he says he got inconsistent information from a Spanish employee and that checks have been rejected because of incomplete routing numbers. So he did what any irate customer would do—he sued the bank for "1,784 billion, trillion dollars." To put that in perspective, it's 1 followed by 22 digits, more than the 2008 gross domestic product of the entire world, and even greater than the number of Late Show employees David Letterman's had sex with.

The Easy-Bake Shroud Of Turin

2009-10-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

For years people have debated whether the Shroud of Turin is really the cloth Jesus Christ was buried in or just a medieval fake. Now an Italian scientist says he can turn out one a week. Luigi Garlaschelli wrapped a specially woven cloth around one of his students, painted it with pigment, then baked it in the oven for a few hours and washed it. Voila! Instant Shroud. Although he's presenting his findings at a conference of the Italian Committee for the Investigation of Claims on the Paranormal this Saturday, the Create-a-Shroud kit won't be ready on time for holiday gift giving this year, though you'll still be able to give a Chia-sus Pet that grows long green hair and a beard.

Recession Is In The Wallet Of The Beholder

2009-10-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

The new Nieman Marcus Christmas catalog is out and even they realize we're in a recession. "Tokens of affection don't have to be extravagant," they say in the catalog's introduction, proven by the fact that more than 40% of the gifts listed cost less than $250. Thanks goodness! Of course there's still a limited-edition Jaguar for $105,000, a $73,000 motorcycle, and an environmentally-friendly chandelier made from 366 plastic bottles pulled from a landfill for only $12,000. As Kermit would sing today: It's not easy being green; neither is it cheap.

Feels Like The First Time. Feels Like The Very First Time.

2009-10-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

Egyptian lawmakers are calling for a ban on the importation of a Japanese-made kit that helps a woman fool her new husband into thinking she's a virgin. The Artificial Virginity Hymen from Gigimo costs $29 and expands to make you feel tight, then at the appropriate moment oozes a liquid that "look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable" explains the company's website. Since what's good for the goose is good for the gander, they'll soon be releasing a book for men called "How to Act Like You Have No Idea What You're Doing While Hiding your Untreated Chancres."

What Can It Be Now?

2009-10-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

When Kraft decided to put out a new, milder version of Vegemite in Australia by combining it with cream cheese, they thought they chose the perfect name from the 48,000 suggestions they'd received: iSnack 2.0. Not surprisingly, customers hated it, which was probably the idea. Not to mention that Men at Work's update of their song would sound silly as "He just smiled and gave me an iSnack 2.0 sandwich." So now Australians can vote online for their second favorite name, choosing from Vegemite Cheesybite, Creamymate, Smooth, Snackmate, Vegemate and Vegemild. Either way, it's still mostly yeast extract and cream cheese. Yum!