Wanna Lay Your Head On My Pussy?

Children have teddy bears to sleep with. Japanese women have the Boyfriend's Arm Pillow. So what can you cuddle up with? How about your dead pet! Thanks to a taxidermist in Nevada you can get cushions and pillows made from your dead dog or cat's fur. Yum! In just a couple of months Jeanette Hall has sold hundreds of the Pet Pillows. And why not? Roy Rogers had Trigger stuffed and put in his museum. People walk around wearing lockets filled with their pet's ashes. And admit it, you don't want to think about what freezer locker Walt Disney's deceased pets are hanging out in.

Stop Chewing That Gum Or I'll Shoot

Sandra S. Froman, first vice president of the National Rifle Association, said that in order to prevent rampages like the recent school shooting near Bemidji, MN that took 10 lives we should consider allowing teachers to carry guns. Gun Safety and Target Shooting 101 could soon be a degree requirement, right next to K-12 Educational Leadership, Practicum in Secondary Teaching, and How Not to Smack the Little Brats When You’re a Substitute Teacher.

Eye Kan Add Butt Eye Kant Spel Sew Gud

The New York City school system had to recall math test preparation guides when they discovered 18 errors, including wrong answers, grammatical errors, and even the word "fourth" misspelled on the 4th grade manual. Mayor Michael Bloomberg said he was surprised but "It is a complex world." Besides, how often will you need math after high school? Cash registers at Burger King tell you exactly how much change you need to give the customer, don't they?

Even If It Is Nailed Down...

Last month a man in Norway went to visit his vacation cabin and found that his swimming pool had been stolen. An in-ground swimming pool. Thieves dug it up and left a big hole in the ground. Not to be outdone, a couple of days ago a family in Lindale, TX discovered that their three-bedroom brick house had been stolen. Brick by brick. Police say two men dismantled it, piece by piece, in broad daylight, selling the building supplies to get drugs. "Honey, didn't there used to be a wall over there?" "Shhhh! I'm trying to watch American Idol."

Lions and Tigers and *CHOMP* Oh My!

The managers of 22 safari parks in China have agreed to stop feeding live horses to their lions and tigers. Well, when the parks are open to the public anyway. After visiting hours it's a whole other thing. "Feeding [large animals] when the park is not open is permitted," the deputy general manager of Wild Animal World in Chengdu said. During hours "parks are allowed to continue to sell small birds for visitors to feed the wild beasts." Christians, apparently, may be fed to the lions anytime.

Now This is March Madness

- The Easter Bunny was arrested in an Iowa mall on Saturday and charged with harassment. Michael J. Desantiago, who was working in the "Have Your Photo Taken With the Easter Bunny" display, got upset when someone threw water on him. Come on, sing along: "There goes Peter Cottontail, hopping down to the county jail....."

- Peeps, the unearthly colored, often rock hard, and very poor excuse for sugar-coated marshmallow, have expanded this year. New products include Peeps cosmetics, stationery, hats and visors, socks, and Italian gold charms. Apparently adding licensed products was easier than adding taste and quality.

- A 13-year-old boy attacked the Easter Bunny in a shopping mall in Bay City, MI. The Easter Bunny ended up with a bloody nose, the boy is being charged with assault, and luckily no children or Peeps were harmed in the incident.

Giving Satan Equal Time

Lucky the turtle was the only animal to survive a pet store fire in Indiana. Store owner Bryan Dora says that, as a result, the image of Satan appeared on the turtle's shell, complete with goatee and pointy horns. Amazingly, he's produced a DVD of the turtle's story and plans to auction it -- and Lucky -- online. So far the closest thing on eBay is a "Turtle Towel Personalized Dora Print," perfect for drying off possessed reptiles. At left is a non-artist's rendering of what we imagine Lucky's shell looks like. After the DVD release we'll find out for sure.

Have You Heard The One About The Salesman With a Negative IQ?

A salesman in Germany stopped to buy a lottery ticket yesterday and discovered that he'd won last week's jackpot - a measly 20.4 million euros, or $27,267,206.76. He ran off without chatting or identifying himself because, according to a lottery spokesman, he was worried about being late for work and had to go catch a bus. All lotteries should give winners a one-question test before handing over the money: "Are you going to work tomorrow?" If they answer "yes" then they're deemed too stupid to have that much money and the jackpot rolls over.

Is That Your Cell Phone Ringing or Are You Happy To See Me?

As if hearing Beethoven, 50 Cent, and Hava Negilah when a cell phone rings isn't bad enough, an adult film company is going to start offering ring tones featuring porn stars moaning and groaning. I can't wait until someone's phone rings and, as they dash from the next room to answer it, they call out, "I'm coming!"

Painted Green, It Makes a Darling St. Patrick's Day Accessory

According to the New York Daily News, Martha Stewart described the anklet monitor she has to wear while under house arrest as: "The rigid rubber and wire band is approximately 1 inch wide. The transmitter is approximately 4 inches by 3 inches and is somewhat uncomfortable and irritating. It also makes exercise difficult. I wish it were removable but it is not. I am not allowed to take it off at any time and I am not allowed, while in my home, to have any padding under the strap." Stencils with assorted holiday motifs and complete instructions for turning an ankle monitor into a festive holiday accessory will be in the upcoming issue of Martha Stewart Confined Living.

I Guess Mr. Ed Was Busy

Monty Roberts, the man who inspired the movie The Horse Whisperer, held a workshop for British teachers in how to tame wild schoolchildren. “Horses and children are almost identical emotionally and psychologically,” Roberts told The Observer. “They are both flight animals who wish to avoid trouble, but will become first bashful, then aggressive, if intimidated.” He went on to point out other similarities: both horses and children like apples, respond well to whips and spurs, and need someone to clean up after them. Horses, on the other hand, can be sold, are respected if they become studs-for-hire, and are legally eaten in many countries.

Armageddon Worried

Washington state, home of the rainy city of Seattle, declared a drought emergency on Thursday because of unusually low winter snowfalls. Meanwhile, Death Valley, CA, the hottest, driest, lowest place in the country, is a sea of wildflowers and, well, water, having had three times the usual rainfall so far this season. Something just ain’t right. According to two UC Berkeley physicists, mass extinction on Earth happens every 62 million years and the last one, when the dinosaurs bit the Jurassic dust, was 65 million years ago. From where I sit it looks like we should either bend over and kiss our butts goodbye or book our vacation tickets to Seattle and Death Valley. I know which one I’m leaning towards.

A Taxing Quiz

- A Florida State Senator has proposed a 2 cent-per-roll tax on toilet paper to pay for wastewater treatment. Governor Jeb "Am I the only one in the family who hasn't been President yet?" Bush said if toilet paper is taxed, people might use less of it. This is:

[ ] A crappy idea
[ ] Really scraping the bottom
[ ] A tax idea that should be flushed
[ ] Other ___________________


- In order to get people who don't pay their property taxes to ante up, the tax collector in a city in southern India is sending groups of drummers to play non-stop outside their homes until they pay. After one week of drumming, 18% of those owing back taxes paid up. This is:

[ ] A great way to drum up tax dollars
[ ] Gainful employment for kids playing in drum circles in the parking lot at Phish concerts
[ ] Even sillier than taxing toilet paper
[ ] All of the above

English as a Secondary Language

The Malaysian Education Ministry wants schoolchildren to watch more English-language television — including cartoons — figuring it will help them learn English. Educators agree that nothing would be better for the country's future than a generation of Malaysians running around saying, "You're fired," "Swiper, no swiping!", and "Good morning, Krusty crew!"

Who Are You Calling a Fruit?

New Jersey's Agriculture and Natural Resources Committee approved a measure designating the Jersey tomato as the official state vegetable. Never mind that botanically it's a fruit, officials decided to ignore science and instead follow an 1887 U.S. Supreme Court ruling that since tomatoes are usually served with dinner and not as dessert, they must be a vegetable. State legislators are also considering making Cheetos the official state dairy product, Oreos the official state sandwich, and tuna salad the official state fish.

Reader's Digest - The New Nostradamus?

University of Maryland researchers report that after subjects watched King Pin, which for research purposes is considered a funny movie, their blood vessels expanded and contracted more effectively in response to changes in blood flow. "It is conceivable that laughing may be important to maintain a healthy endothelium [lining of the blood vessels] and reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease," says researcher Michael Miller. In other words, laughter may indeed be the best medicine. Since Reader's Digest predicted this years ago, it's also safe to assume that it is indeed "All in a Day's Work," "Humor in Uniform" isn't just camouflage, "Virtual Hilarity" is as good as the real thing, and condensing articles so people with ADHD can enjoy them was a smart idea long before that Utne guy could even read.

The End of Chinese Musical Ventriloquism

The Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference is considering suggesting that the government outlaw lip synching unless the performer first notifies audience members. “How you doing, Beijing?!? You’ve just paid good money to see me do karaoke!” Hey, any country that will stop Ashlee Simpson, Britney, Madonna, and Milli Vanilli from touring there can’t be all bad.

Stop Me If You've Heard This...

- A mother and daughter in Nebraska are selling a Rold Gold Honey Mustard Pretzel on eBay that they say looks like the Virgin Mary holding baby Jesus. They hope to get $1,000 so the daughter can buy a horse. (Advice: Stop squinting so much. It's a pretzel. One that sort of looks like a treble clef.)

- A retired school teacher in Poland went to the doctor because of a headache. X-rays showed he had a five-inch knife blade stuck in his head. Apparently it had been there since he tripped and fell on the kitchen floor four days previous. Said the man: "I thought they might give me an aspirin, instead they pulled a five-inch knife blade out of my head." [Insert favorite Polish joke here: ______________________]

I Swear, No More Swearing

Glen Matlock, former bass player for the Sex Pistols, told a British TV show that people should stop swearing on television. "It's pathetic when people swear for the sake of it," says the guy whose band cost a TV interviewer his job in 1976 when they used the "f"-word on live TV. "Something ought to be done about it." Come to think of it, maybe God shouldn't save the Queen. And really, might anarchy not be such a hot idea for the UK after all?

You Can Lock Me Up in Jail But You Can't Keep Applause From Breaking Out

As a part of their rehabilitation, prisoners at the Winchester jail in England are being offered the chance to take a course in telling jokes. Apparently authorities aren't worried about the prisoners stealing jokes. After all, Henny Youngman did it for years and no one under the age of 50 even knows who he is. In a show of mutual support, the National Humor Writers Guild has announced plans to offer its members courses in breaking and entering, armed robbery, and how to "Take my wife, please" without leaving any clues.

Caution: Martha's Body May Be Larger Than it Appears

Martha Stewart's on the cover of the March 7 Newsweek looking, well, svelte and rested. And well she should since the body isn't hers, but rather a model's. Tucked away on Page 3 the magazine confesses: "Cover: Photo illustration by Michael Elins ... head shot by Marc Bryan-Brown." And to think, when she gets out she's going to have her own reality show.

When Good Career Paths Go Wrong

One-time Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding, better known for having rival Nancy Kerrigan kneecapped — I mean, grossing us out with her wedding night videos — I mean, beating Paula Jones on Celebrity Boxing — is set to wrestle Daisy D, a 135-lb transvestite, on March 10 in Ft. Lauderdale. Somewhere in Portland, OR a guidance counselor is preparing to jump off the roof of the high school.