You Mean I Wasn't Bidding On A Hummel Figurine?

The Beijing News reports that a Chinese businessman bought a used MiG-21f fighter jet once used by the Czech military on eBay for a bargain basement $24,730. Plus shipping, of course. The winning bidder, which the newspaper identifies as Zhang Cheng but is known as 20020504maryville on eBay, says he plans to park the airplane outside his offices. Great. That means there will be a half-dozen fewer parking spaces for customers and employees, dammit.

Mixed Metaphor of the Week

It's that, or WFMY News 2 in North Carolina is being very careful about being politically correct before Monday's "Day Without Immigrants" work boycott and rallies. For future reference, the station's headline writers need to know that cole slaw is made with cabbage, not lettuce; there is no Joe in a Sloppy Joe; and creamed spinach is made with spinach.

On The Job Training

Teresa L. Kaiser, the executive director of the Oregon Liquor Control Commission, resigned yesterday after being arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and reckless driving after she was involved in a two-car crash Saturday night. With a blood alcohol level of 0.16, no less — twice the legal limit. Regardless of how it turns out, it's a safe bet she can call it job-related research and write off her legal fees.

Proposing A Toast

Toasters are 100 years old this year. What did people do before that, use the pop-up fire? In a poll conducted for the Grains Food Foundation, more than half of the people surveyed said they'd rather have toast than candy in the morning. A third prefer morning toast to chocolate. And one in 10 would rather have toast than sex in the morning. Oddly, only one person said they prefer the smell of napalm in the morning.

Does This Mean We Have To Go To Class Now?

Four bus loads of students from O'Brien Middle School in Reno, Nevada, were rewarded for their good grades on Monday by being sent on a school-sponsored field trip to the Six Flags Marine World theme park in Vallejo, California. After four hours on the bus they arrived...to find out the park is closed on Mondays. Attention Washoe County School District employees: Memorial Day is May 29, the last day of school is June 7, and this year the Fourth of July will be celebrated on July 4. Don't say you haven't been warned.

Wow, This Flight is SRO

According the New York Times, Airbus has a new seating idea - standing room only. It seems the European airplane manufacturer has been trying to interest Asian carriers in the idea of putting a standing room section on their planes. Passengers would stand up against a padded backboard and be held in place with a harness. The only time you'd get to sit down would be in the lavatory. No word on if anyone will do it, or the price, but be careful the next time an airline asks if you want to fly standby.

Vhat's One Letter Amongst Friends?

Sweden has finally accepted Dubya. Not the president, but the letter that's his middle initial. You know, the one he mispronounces. This is big news since there is no natural-born "W" in Svenska, which is what they call their language. The few words that do begin with "W" were stolen - I mean, borrowed - from other languages, so dictionaries always lumped them in with the more popular "V"s. Since the Swedish Academy is including a section of "W" words now, the language officially has 29 letters instead of 28. Of course since they call the new letter "double-v," they still don't have a Dubya. Lucky stiffs.

Imagine There's John Lennon...

Cable TV service In Demand is airing a special on Monday night called The Spirit of John Lennon. It's a televised seance during which they claim to have reached the spirit of John Lennon. At one of Lennon's favorite New York restaurants, La Fortuna, of course. I mean, where else would you expect him to be hanging out? For $9.95 viewers can hear what a psychic on the show claims to be the voice of Lennon speaking. Or maybe he'll be singing:

Imagine there's John Lennon
It's easy if you try
No royalties to pay him
With luck ratings to the sky
Imagine all the people
Tuning in today...

You may say that I'm a schemer
But I'm not the only one
I hope on Monday you will join us
And we'll live as number one

Ah, Were It Only A Nonissue Here Too

"The mayor of Paris arrived in San Francisco on Wednesday to kick off a three-day visit marking the 10th anniversary of the sister-city relationship between the two cultural hubs..."

"In Paris, the fact that Delanoë is openly gay is a nonissue, his aides said Wednesday. He made his sexual orientation public when a journalist asked him about it before he was elected mayor."

Suri By Any Other Name Is...

When Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced the birth of their baby, they said they named her Suri, which means "princess" in Hebrew and "red rose" in Persian. They were right on the second count, but Hebrew scholars in Israel say no dice to the first. "We seem to have learned a new Hebrew word, and from Tom Cruise, no less," said an Israeli news anchor. No problem. Suri has plenty of other translations. It means "pickpocket" in Japanese, "pointy nose" in some Indian dialects, and is a breed of South American alpacas. Don't be a lama, Suri. It's okay, princess.

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?

Alternative weekly The Boston Phoenix has named Gilbert Gottfried the "unsexiest man in the world," followed closely by New York Yankees pitcher Randy Johnson, Roger Ebert, and Dr. Phil. Was that Carrot Top breathing a big sigh of relief I just heard?

Excuse Me While I Kiss This Guy

According to a poll by VH1, a line from U2's song One — "One life, with each other, sisters, brothers" — is Britain's favorite song lyric. Lyrics from The Smiths' song How Soon is Now? came in second, followed by a line from Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit. Neil Diamond protested because "'I am' I said. To no one there. And no one heard at all, not even the chair." wasn't even on the list.

Delivered In 30 Hours Or It's Free

Residents of the Yupik Eskimo village of Savoo, Alaska can finally have pizza delivered to their door. The good news is, delivery is free. The bad news is they have to plan ahead since it's being delivered from Nome, which is 170 miles away, though luckily they're being delivered by plane. If this works out they're hoping to have their first sled-thru restaurant soon.

Spare Change?

The New York Times reports that Lee Raymond, who retired in December as chairman and CEO of Exxon, earned more than $686 million from 1993 to 2005. I'll save you the trouble of pulling out a calculator —that comes to $144,573 a day. I sure hope he put in at least a 10-hour day.

Hey, He Smacks His Balls, Doesn't He?

Asked during a television interview to explain his poor putting in the final round of the U.S. Masters golf tournament, Tiger Woods explained, "I putted atrociously today. Once I got on the greens, I was a spaz." The British-based disability organization Scope, which was formerly called The Spastics Society, was offended, so Woods' agent apologized, saying, "Please don't take anything Tiger says personally. Sometimes he can be a real tard."

Oh, That Jon Stewart!

It took months of discussion, but The DaVinci Academy in Ogden, Utah, was ecstatic that they'd lined up Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show, to appear at the school's annual gala. Then last Friday they learned that they had booked Jon A. Stewart, a former motivational speaker and part-time professional wrestler from Chicago, by accident. Hey, it could have been worse. They could have booked Jon Stewart, the lawyer from Houston, Jon Stewart, the editor of Hegel Myths and Legends, or Jon Stewart, whose photographs adorn Book of Crepes & Omelets.

Uh, Is Text Messaging A Major?

The Florida House has passed a bill that would require incoming high school freshmen to declare a major, just like college students. Reaction is mixed, with Gov. Jeb Bush pushing the idea, many educators supporting it, and high school students wondering if this means they can also join fraternities and sororities, have keg parties, and wake up wondering whose floor they're sleeping on.

The Other McDonald Sandwich

Selfridge's department store in London is selling what they call the world's most expensive sandwich. For £85 (US$148) you get foie gras, black truffle, brie, red pepper confit, and Wagyu beef on sour dough bread. The beef is the expensive part. It comes from Japanese cows that are fed grain, beer and wine, and massaged weekly. For $148 a sandwich you should get the massage. The 2,000-calorie meal on bread is called the McDonald sandwich, after its creator, chef Scott McDonald. Is that the Wagyu beef I smell, or a trademark infringement lawsuit?

Points Off For Smelling Like Napalm In The Morning

A survey taken by a human resource company found that of all the cities in the world, Zurich has the highest quality of life, followed by Geneva and Vancouver. For the third year in a row, Baghdad tanked the lowest. Apparently they deduct points for having no electricity, no running water, lots of roadside bombs, and buildings in rubble. Go figure.

Shhhhhh!

Following Scientology guidelines, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are planning to have a silent birth. Ah, if only those guidelines could extend through the rest of their lives.

Yeah, What He Said

Yesterday President Bush stepped up to a microphone in Charlotte, North Carolina and said he was pleased that Republicans and Democrats were working together to create a comprehensive energy bill. Whoops! Wrong bill. "Let me start over," he said. "I'm pleased that Republicans and Democrats in the United States Senate are working together to get a comprehensive immigration bill." Energy...immigration...hey, they both start with a "y," don't they?

Don't Make A Peep

As if Peeps weren't disgusting enough in their native marshmallow, last year the company that manufactures them, Just Born, released yellow ones covered in milk chocolate. This year you pink Peepers will be happy to know that your fave is also available covered in milk chocolate...with crisped rice! Take that, you yellow lovers. Now all you need to do is wait for next summer so you can get them battered and fried at a state fair near you. Yum!

Maybe He Was Attempting A Double Axel

A study published in the April 2006 issue of the Journal of Paleolimnology says rare environmental conditions could have caused a 25-degree drop in temperature, creating hard-to-see ice on the Sea of Galilee that a person — say someone like Jesus — could have walked on. This means the worse global warming gets, the less the chance Jesus can come back and walk on water again. I wonder how that news will affect the Rapture Index.

Hold Your Water. Literally.

According to NPR, surgeons have figured out how to grow a bladder outside the body. Now if they can figure out how to get it to function without transplanting it, it could mean the end of urinals, long lines in the Ladies' Room at baseball games, and having to pull over every half hour during family road trips.

La-Z-Kids Reclining

As if your Mom dragging you to the husky department to buy jeans isn't embarrassing enough, now it turns out that one of every four kids in America between the ages of 2 and 5 are overweight and should be using a husky car seat. Honestly. One woman who bought a $250 Britax "Husky" seat says, "It's like a La-Z-Boy recliner. It was a little difficult getting it in the back seat but my daughter loves it." She especially loves the built-in milk dispenser, remote holder, Cheez Doodles-proof arm rests, DVD player, and PlayStation.

Dialing For Delis

Just on time for Passover comes news about a kosher cell phone on sale in Israel. Made by a subsidiary of Motorola, the phones carry the official kosher seal of approval because there's no text messaging, no Internet access, no video, no camera, and more than 10,000 numbers for phone sex, dating services and other services are blocked. Yes, all it does is make and receive phone calls. It goes great with matzoh, you can talk on it while eating meat or fish, and it's preprogrammed with the phone number of the nearest kosher deli.