If You Can't Have A Guy, Have Another Kid

Madonna is anxiously waiting for Friday, when a court in Malawi will rule on whether she can adopt a second child from the country. If she's turned down, sources say she'll give in to critics who say she should adopt in her native country and head to Detroit where she'll take former GM CEO Rick Wagoner home to be little David's new brother.

Hava Tequila

Just on time for Passover, a New York company is launching the first kosher tequila. Okay, it won't really be available for the sedar, so that night won't be any different from every other night, but you will be able to drink it to celebrate that great Jewish holiday, Cinco de Mayo. Star Industries is producing a half million cases of the rabbi certified tequila at a plant in Mexican. And no, it won't be called Mogen Cuervo or Jose Manishevitz, but boring old Agave 99. L'chaim, por favor!

You Never Sausage A Test

School fundraisers are usually confined to bake sales, movie nights, auctions, and walk-a-thons. Not at Idaho's Pocatello High School where every test, handout, and worksheet in Mr. Harrison's history and economics classes have "Molto's Pizza 14-inch 1 topping just $5" printed in bright red letters across the bottom. He says the ads don't just raise money, but can also help illuminate such topics as the Great Depression. It's true. Isn't your depression a little greater now?

Been There, Ate Like A Pig, Got The T-Shirt

Just in case eating enough food to feed a Sudanese village in one sitting isn't reward enough, now you can win a T-shirt to go with your heartburn. At the NASCAR Cafe in the Sahara Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas you can get a 2-foot, 6-pound burrito. If you finish the $19.95 cholesterol bomb you get it free along with two unlimited roller coaster passes and a T-shirt proclaiming you "Conquered the Bomb." If you don't finish it, however, you agree to have your picture taken wearing an extra small, pink T-shirt that says "Weenie." Meanwhile in Michigan, the West Michigan Whitecaps, a minor league baseball team, has added a 4-pound, $20 hamburger to the menu. The five beef patties, five slices of cheese, cup of chili, and salsa and tortilla chips come on an 8-inch sesame-seed bun. Anyone finishing the 4,800-calorie snack gets a free T-shirt. XXL, I assume.

If It's Monday, It's Time To Change Your Underwear

The first Japanese astronaut to live on the International Space Station is testing a new line of clothes called J-ware by wearing his underwear for a week. Created by textile experts at Japan Women's University in Tokyo, the underwear is designed to kill bacteria, absorb water, insulate his body, and dry quickly. They're also flame-resistant, anti-static, and according to an official with the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency, comfortable and stylish. If only they could make coffee and walk the dog, too. If he makes it a week without the other astronauts holding him down, stripping him, and spraying him with Lysol, the clothing will be released to the public soon.

Exercise As I Say, Not As I Do, Maggot!

The International Health, Racquetball & Sportsclub Association held their annual convention and trade show last week in San Francisco, with 11,000 health club owners and fitness experts in attendance. A high point was the exhibit of the latest in exercise machines, located in the basement of the Moscone Center. To get back to the ground level you could either walk up 57 stairs or take the escalator. The San Francisco Chronicle hung out for a while and out of 100 fitness buffs they watched go upstairs, 88 took the escalator.

Dora The Sexplorer?

My, how quickly they grow up. After ten years as a 7-year-old tomboy, little Dora the Explorer has blossomed into a tween, as they say. Nickelodeon and Mattel—home of Barbie and now Bratz—have released a drawing of an older Dora that will soon be a doll on your daughter's shelf. Some people are calling her a tramp and saying she's too sexy. Uh, Barbie turned 50 this year and you see how she's still dressing, don't you? Next up, Diego with his low-slung pants, hoodie, and bling.

How About Back Waxing?

The New Jersey Cosmetology and Hairstyling Board is planning to officially ban "Brazilian" waxes beginning in May. It turns out that genital waxing has never been legal in the state, you can only be waxed on the face, neck, stomach, legs, and arms. Officials say the ban is for health reasons and not just to reinforce the state's reputation as having women with big hair.

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is, Mr. Lincoln?

The Smithsonian's Museum of American History has discovered a long forgotten message inside Abraham Lincoln's pocket watch, one Lincoln never even knew was there. While repairing the president's watch in April 1861, Jonathan Dillon heard about the attack on Fort Sumter and inscribed a message on the metal inside the watch: "Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?" Curators are searching the rest of the watch for sheet music.

Don't Sweat Like A Pig, Sweat Like A Hippo

According to the latest issue of Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society A — and yes, that's the journal's real name — researchers at the School of Engineering at the University of California, Merced, have figured out how it is that hippos can stand in the hot sun all day without getting a sunburn. And no, it's not the wide brim hats. It turns out that hippo sweat contains microscopic structures that scatter light, protecting them from sunburns. The stuff also acts as an antiseptic and insect repellent, and in a pinch, makes a good carpet cleaner, hors d'oeuvre and, thanks to its red color, a good nail polish top coat. They hope to figure out how to duplicate and sell it but they need to do something about the name. Tiger Balm and Gorilla Glue work. Hippo Sweat could be a hard sell.

It Smells Like An Infomercial To Me

Scientists from the University of Southern Mississippi have created a polyurethane film they say can be used on a car so that if it's scratched, it will repair itself in an hour when exposed to sunlight. The coating is 99.99% standard polyurethane with the other 0.01% percent being a four-molecule oxetane ring and chitosan, which is closely related to chitin, a tough material found in lobster and crab shells. They say the new coating can be made in any color, it should be able to heal itself indefinitely and, worst case, the car would remain scratched but taste great with melted butter.

You Don't Need To Earn An Honest Buck To Make The Forbes List

Forbes released its list of the world's richest people. Of course the usual hard workers were on there, including Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and Carlos Slim Helú. And in 701st place was Mexican, uh, businessman, Joaquin "Shorty" Guzman with a net value of $1 billion. Sure he's the commander of the Sinaloa drug cartel. And yes, he happens to be the country's most-wanted drug-trafficking fugitive. But hey, we can't all start big software companies. A guy has to make a (billion) buck(s) somehow.

Terra Firma Incognito

California Assemblyman Joel Anderson has introduced a bill (AB-255) that would force online maps like Google Earth to blur many state buildings. In order to prevent terrorism, of course. If the bill passes and works, maybe they can extend it to blur shoes, belts, and liquid containers over three ounces so we can get through security faster at the airport.

How About A Coolness Merit Badge?

In an effort to halt sliding enrollment, the Girl Scouts are making big changes in an attempt to appear cooler. Merit badges are out, blogs are in. Roasting hot dogs on a campfire and cutting down branches to stoke it are out, healthy eating and the environment are in. What next, send out Tweets to promote Thin Mint sales? Bag the cookies altogether and start selling web site hosting? The next thing you know they'll be sitting around the computer screen roasting virtual S'mores while reading scary blog entries to each other and listening to Kumbaya on their iPods. On the plus side, they won't have to sleep on the hard ground, get poison ivy while going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and Mom won't get another Popsicle stick bread basket for her birthday.

Would You Like Fries With That Tan?

Starbucks and McDonald's may be everywhere, but they're not everywhere everywhere. A study by San Diego State University public health researchers found that in some cities, tanning salons are more prevalent than lattes and Big Macs. The #1 tanning salon capital is Charleston, West Virginia, which has 18 tanning parlors to serve a population of about 53,000. Meanwhile, the city has only one Starbucks and seven McDonald’s, leading them to consider adopting a new slogan: "Charleston, a radiant glow without the caffeine and calories".

Almost Doll-Free, West Virginia...

A West Virginia state Delegate has proposed a bill that would ban the sale of Barbie, Bratz, and other dolls like them because they place too much emphasis on physical beauty and not enough on intellectual and emotional development. "I just hate the image that we give to our kids that if you're beautiful, you're beautiful and you don't have to be smart," Delegate Jeff Eldridge of Lincoln County said. Hopefully he's beautiful because, well, at least then he's something. The bill isn't very specific, only mentioning "'Barbie' dolls and other similar dolls." No word on how blow-up dolls fit into the scheme of this.

A Prosthetic Nose For News

For three days now there have been reports that Michael Jackson is about to announce a comeback featuring his first major concert dates in more than a decade but no one cares.

And The Blessed Shall Partake Of The Apple

Mullah Abdul Salaam Zaeef, the former Taliban ambassador to Pakistan who spent four years in Guantanamo, raves about his iPhone. "It's easy and modern and I love it," he told a reporter from Associated Press. Add him to the list of converts. If you remember, a couple of years ago Pope Benedict XVI got an iPod, and reports are that he's not just listening to Gregorian Chants and Oops! I Gave a Sermon Again. Apparently Adam and Eve weren't the only religious figures who liked to take a bite from the Apple.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Hold onto your bestseller list, but former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, has landed a six-figure — you know, as in over $1 million — deal with Phoenix Books to write what his publicist says will be a book "exposing the dark side of politics." In other shocking revelations, he'll probably announce that the Earth is round, the sun rises in the east, and rain falls from the sky, not up into it. Now if he'd only disclose what planet his hair was born on I'd buy a copy.

Oh Darn! It's No Cussing Week.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors is scheduled to issue a proclamation tomorrow making the first week in March "No Cussing Week." There will be no penalties if you forget about the god damned thing, which is good, otherwise you wouldn't be able to see any movie that wasn't a G-rated Disney film, there would be no awards shows, all live rock shows would be called off, and no one would know what to do when the LAPD told them to "Get up against the car with your hands on your head, you dastardly evil-doer, you." It could be a nice, quiet week in LA.