Always Remember Never To Forget To Always Remember Never To....

In a study published in the journal Nature, a group of scientists reports that they've permanently wiped out bad memories in humans by using simple behavioral techniques. Unfortunately the procedure isn't publicly available yet so for now you'll have to use the standard techniques of drinking, blocking, and denial to forget about last week's Christmas holiday with the family.

Merry Happy Everything!

Thou Shalt Not Steal Unless You Need To

Father Tim Jones, the parish priest of St. Lawrence and St. Hilda church in York, England, was telling the Nativity story in a sermon the other day when he stopped and told his congregation that it was okay to shoplift if they were desperate as long as they stole from large national chains and not small, family-owned businesses. Parishioners nodded understandably, then asked if he had any clarifications they should know about "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

This Is The Best Day Of Our Life. So Far.

In an article titled "Aristotle's Virtues and Homer's Doughnut," the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano congratulated The Simpson's on its 20th anniversary. The newspaper praised the TV show's philosophical leanings and said that without Homer Simpson "many today wouldn't know how to laugh." To those who wonder how the Vatican can applaud a TV show that often pokes fun at religion, the newspaper went on to say, "What the deuce? Family Guy makes us pee our robes but you don't see us congratulating them on anything, do you?"

I Now Pronounce You Man And Video Game

A Japanese man who goes by the name SAL9000 has married Nene Anegasaki, a virtual character he met on the dating simulation game "Love Plus," in a ceremony that was broadcast live on Youtube. After the ceremony the happy couple—she safely ensconced on his Nintendo DS—went on a honeymoon to Guam. Wedding gifts are being accepted. The happy couple is registered at VirtualGifts4U, Facebook pokes, Isetan department stores, and the Tokyo Hospital for the Criminally Insane.

Santa Claus Is Bad For Your Health

A professor in the Department of Epidemiology and Preventative Medicine of Monash University in Australia thinks Santa Claus is a bad role model. He's overweight, is often shown smoking a pipe and drinking brandy while driving his sleigh, and is seen promoting sugary soft drinks every year. Nathan Grills thinks a healthier Santa could be effective in promoting a more positive message to kids about diet and lifestyle. If he had his way Santa would look like Keanu Reeves and kids would leave plates of sushi and glasses of vitamin water for him. Not to worry, the reindeer can still eat carrots and apples.

It Gives New Meaning To Being As Comfortable As An Old Shoe

A survey by a British company that makes shoe storage systems found that while more than 92% of women could remember the first shoes they bought with their own money, not even two-thirds of them could recall the name of the guy they kissed for the first time. It could be because the shoes last longer, make them look better, and when put away and out of sight they stay that way.

Anyone Check The Lost And Found?

After a two-year search, computer technicians have found 22 million emails from the Bush administration that had been MIA since October 2003.

"Whoa! Look what I found when I lifted the cushions on the White House couch. Twenty-two cents in change, that super ball I've been looking for, some half chewed pieces of pretzel, and 22 million missing emails. Hey, maybe if look behind that bookcase I can find Bush's missing integrity."

Fly Your Fat Away!

Just on time for Hanukkah comes the news that a company is building a plant in Iowa to convert schmaltz, better known to most people as chicken fat, into jet fuel. No word on whether El Al Airlines will be the first to use it, whether the jet exhaust will smell like chopped liver, or whether the process will work with human fat, meaning one day liposuction donations could be used to offset your carbon footprint.

Coke. It's The Real Sh*t.

Alistair Beswick was logging onto Coca Cola's English CokeZone website when he was asked to enter a couple of words as a security key. You know, the word codes called "Captchas" that stop non-humans from logging in. To his surprise, he was asked to enter "u f**kr". Trying not to take it personally, he typed it in, confirmed his registration, and redeemed his coupon for free gifts. Hopefully he got the T-shirt that says: "Coke, it's the real sh*t."

George Washington Didn't Sleep Here But Barack Obama Ate Here

After kicking off a national listening tour about the economy last week at Pennsylvania's Lehigh Carbon Community College, President Barack Obama stopped by the Hamilton Family Restaurant for a bite to eat. Owner George Malke isn't just going to frame photographs of the President's visit, he's planning to put the plate, cup, and silverware on display in a glass case, though probably without the presidential food scraps that are still on them. He also says he's saving the table and chair Obama used. One can only hope the President didn't go to the bathroom while he was there.

Smoking Is Bad For Your Self-Esteem

According to the World Health Organization, tobacco use kills at least 5 million people every year. Since nearly 95 percent of the world's population isn't protected by anti-smoking laws, we have to rely on cigarette pack warnings to get people to stop. Unfortunately, it turns out they can have the opposite effect. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that by warning smokers their habit can be fatal, the labels can cause them to smoke more as a means of coping with the bad news. Warnings unrelated to death, such as "smoking makes you unattractive" or "smoking brings you and the people around you severe damage," were more effective. Maybe they should try "Smoking causes wrinkles, bad breath, stinky clothes, and pariahism, which is not to be confused with priapism."

We Will Land In Minneapolis As Soon As We Find It

The two Northwest Airlines pilots who flew 150 miles past their destination of Minneapolis last October are blaming air traffic controllers who they say didn't follow correct rules and procedures rather than their having been preoccupied with their laptops trying to learn how to use a new crew scheduling program. Hey, at least they didn't say "The dog ate our flight plan" or "No one told us they moved Minneapolis to Minnesota. How were we to know?"

If If Looks Like Kangaroo And Tastes Like Kangaroo, It Must Be A Chip

Smith's Crisps, an Australian potato chip manufacturer, recently held a contest in which people suggested a new chip flavor, then everyone voted for their favorite. The winning suggestion was worth $30,000 plus 1% of sales. Late Night Kebab, Caesar Salad, and Buttered Popcorn were all outvoted by BBQ Coat of Arms, a kangaroo and emu flavored potato chip. Needless to say, there's an uproar over it, saying it degrades native wildlife and that ''It implies that it is perfectly OK to kill kangaroos and emus, just for fun!'' Smith's says the new flavor honors the native Australian animals. Not to mention that the chips don't actually contain any emu or kangaroo and are, in fact, okay for vegetarians. What's the big deal? Here in the U.S. you can buy Eagle brand Condensed Milk, Old Glory pet food, and Bush baked beans.

Look Mummy, No Cavities!

After poring over research on more than 3,000 mummies, anatomists and paleopathologists at the University of Zurich concluded that 18% of all mummies suffered from an array of dental diseases including worn teeth, periodontal disease, abscesses, and cavities, proving that dentists were in short supply in ancient Egypt, the English are without a doubt descended from the Egyptians, and cheap jokes will be around forever.

Paul May Be Dead, But Ringo's A Drop Of Water

Researchers at Duke University in North Carolina wanted to better understand "superhydrophobicity," which is when a plant is extremely water-repellent. They used high-speed microscopic imaging to photograph a drop of water bouncing off a lotus leaf and discovered that the leaf's natural vibrations are what shake off the water. Analyzing the same photographs, Physicsworld.com discovered that the water drop looks exactly like Ringo Starr. Could found images of the Beatles be bigger than images of Jesus on irons and tortillas? Can you sell a drop of water on eBay? Does this prove that Paul really is the walrus?

Loneliness — Don't Catch It!

A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology says colds, swine—I mean, H1N1—flu, and STDs aren't the only things that are contagious, loneliness is too. They found that lonely people “infect” or “transmit” their feelings of loneliness to their friends, who in turn become lonely. They recommend that you try not to come in contact with lonely people, but if you do, ask them to cover their mouth with their hand before venting, be sure to wash your karma in warm soapy water afterwards, and consider wearing a surgical mask, eye shade, and earplugs when you're around them.