Earning The New Girl Scout Litigation Badge

A Girl Scout troop in Wisconsin has filed lawsuits in small-claims court against three people who haven't paid for their Thin Mints and Samoas. True the people owe amounts ranging from $301.42 to $1,485.68, but we want to know is who the person was who bought 495 boxes of cookies. Watch out, it's a competitive world out there, and some Girls Scouts aren't content with having a Backpacking badge, Pets badge, and "uniquely ME! Inside and Out " badge, they want a Law and Order badge for their sash too.

The Mulligan's Diet

Need to lose weight? Head to Mulligan's, a bar outside Atlanta and order up a "Hamdog." It's a hot dog wrapped in a beef patty that's deep fried, covered with chili, cheese and onions, and served on a hoagie bun. Oh, did I mention that it's topped with a fried egg and two handfuls of fries? If you still feel like eating, think about following it up with their "Luther Burger" — a bacon cheeseburger served on a bun made out of two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Hey, at least they don't serve fried macaroni and cheese. Yet. You can though, here's the recipe from the Food Network. If this hasn't killed your appetite and made you want to skip three meals, read this paragraph again.

Real Estate News

- A mystery bidder paid $150,000 at auction yesterday for the town of Palisade, Nevada. The new owner gets "160 acres of sagebrush, tumbleweeds, rattlesnake holes, half of a rusted car, the remains of an old washing machine and a cemetery with a couple of dozen graves." The auction was held in San Francisco where that same money would buy a closet. A closet without sagebrush, tumbleweeds, rattlesnakes, half a car, or an old washing machine, though it might have a body in it.

- A castle in upstate New York is being sold on eBay. For a minimum bid of $650,000 you can be the proud owner of this former 37,000-square-foot National Guard Armory which sits on 1.3 acres. It has 50 rooms, four turrets, a fallout shelter, and a former rifle range. Perfect for the new NRA headquarters, your neighborhood militia, or Neverland Ranch East.

Friendship Has Its Limits

When U2 played in Seattle over the weekend, lead singer Bono left his bandmates at some crummy old hotel while he hung out and spent the night with Bill Gates. When Gates was asked if this new friendship meant he would buy a special U2 edition iPod, he replied, "Absolutely not." In return, Bono said he would refuse the offer to adopt Clippy, Microsoft Office's now-abandoned and homeless animated helper. Even celebrity friendship and philanthropy has its limits.

Quote Of The Day

"I'm enjoying the relationship and to be honest with you I didn't think I would."
-- Former President George Bush on his unlikely friendship with Bill Clinton, quoted in the New York Daily News. Oddly, this is exactly what Bill Clinton said in 1995 about his unlikely friendship with Monica Lewinsky.

They Blowed Up Real Good

German animal welfare workers and veterinarians say as many as 1,000 frogs have exploded in recent days, their bodies swelling until they burst, sending guts and entrails flying up to three feet away. Scientists don't know what's causing it but so far have ruled out al-Qaeda, Iraqi insurgents, and the Anti-Amphibian League, a group of women who are tired of kissing so many frogs and not finding a single prince.

You Are What You Eat

Part I - Anna Ayala, the woman who claimed to have thrown up when she found part of a human finger in her Wendy's chili last month has been arrested and charged with attempted grand theft.

Part II - Armin Meiwes, the German who met a man on the Internet, hooked up in person, then cut off, cooked, and ate the man's penis, is being retried because the judge says the eight-and-a-half-year sentence isn't long enough. That's the sentence that isn't long enough, smartypants.

Part III - The soup chef who inspired the famous Seinfeld episode about the Soup Nazi is putting out a line of soups. Tagged with the boring name "Soup Man," the heat-n-serve soups come in a pouch. Mmmmmm.....just squeeze and eat! Flavors include turkey chili, jambalaya, and seafood bisque. Spicy chili finger and German-style penis varieties coming soon.

No Need To Passover Sex

Even though bread can't rise during Passover, thanks to a ruling by an Israeli rabbi Jewish men can. It seems that since 1988 Viagra has been considered unkosher for Passover because the pill's coating contains leavening. Rabbi Mordechai Eliahu recently decided that men can take the drug as long as they buy empty capsules made from kosher gelatin before the holiday and insert the pill into the capsule. Because the leavening won't come into direct contact with the body, everything is kosher, as they say. [Insert favorite pork joke here]

These Aren't Your Mum's Steak And Kidney Pies

Restaurant magazine has released its list of the best places in the world to eat and #1 is The Fat Duck, an English restaurant that doesn't even serve Indian food. The chef is at the forefront of what they call "molecular gastronomy," which hopefully tastes better than it sounds. Whatever it is, it allows for such mouth-watering items as "sardine on toast sorbet," "leather, oak and tobacco chocolates," and "smoked bacon and egg ice cream." Yum! Can Tuna and Peanut Butter Jerky, Fish and Chocolate Chips, and MisSteak and Donated Kidney Pie be far behind?

A Bad Day To Be On The Road

— Yesterday an 81-year-old woman in Fort Myers, FL was at a car dealership getting ready to test drive a car when she stepped on the wrong pedal, hitting her husband, a salesman, a parked car, and a tree before running into a wall. Everyone was okay but the car was totaled.

— The same day, a Marlboro, NJ girl with her learners permit was practicing her parallel parking when she jumped the curb, striking and killing her mother.

- Earlier this week, Seo Sang-moon of South Korea passed the written part of his driver's license exam after only 272 tries. It took him five years and cost almost $1,000 in fees. Next up, the driving test. Be scared. Be very scared.

Yippee-ki-yay, baiseur de mère!

Move over Jerry Lewis, the French have a new favorite actor. Bruce Willis has been made an officer in the Order of Arts and Letters, one of the country's top honors for cultural achievement, for his work in such movies as North, The Whole Ten Yards, Armageddon, and Hudson Hawke. The honor doesn't mean Willis will be called Sir, not even by 16-year-old stock clerks who help put his purchases in the car at Home Depot. Nor will it increase the odds that he'll film a remake of Moonlighting, stop saying "Better Ashton than me,"or not be mistaken for Woody Harrelson by fans who can't tell one shaved head from another.

Build A Better Alarm Clock And The World Will.....zzzzzzz

Waking up must be more of a problem among college students than we suspected. How else to explain the sudden rash of college students reinventing the alarm clock?

Exhibit A - Students at Brown University came up with an alarm clock that wakes you during the lightest phase of your sleep cycle so you're more likely to start the day refreshed and alert. SleepSmart measures your sleep cycle by monitoring your brain waves. Yes, this means you get to sleep wearing a comfy, stylish headband covered with electrodes. You tell the alarm clock the latest time you want to get up and it wakes you during the last light phase of sleep. Should it miss that phase, it writes you an excuse and signs it with your mother's name.

Exhibit B - Meanwhile at MIT, a graduate student came up with Clocky, a robotic alarm clock on wheels that rolls away and hides after you hit the snooze button so you have to get out of bed and find it before you can throw it against the wall to smash it. The inventor said when she designed Clocky she wanted it to remind users of a troublesome pet. Expect to see many of them tied up in burlap sacks and abandoned by the side of the road.

Open Season on Garfield

Taking a tip from Canada's government-sanctioned seal hunts (motto: "Eat more baby seal"), the state of Wisconsin is considering making it legal to hunt wild cats because they hunt lovebirds. See, they started it! A vote by the Wisconsin Conservation Congress, an independent group created by the state for reasons no one can remember, wound up with 51 counties supporting the concept, 20 against it, and one county not bothering to vote. Do I detect a non-voting trend? [see below] Before you grab your gun and head to Wisconsin remember this has a long way to go. The Conservation Congress will first consider it, they'll send their recommendations to the board and the Department of Natural Resources, and then it still has to be voted on by the State Legislature. Hey, in the meantime there's always Earl The Dead Cat.

Have You Ever Wondered About That God Guy?

60 Minutes' Andy Rooney took the witness stand Monday in a case about a company that stiffed speakers it lined up to talk at events. When asked to swear to tell "nothing but the truth, so help you God" Rooney muttered, "I don't know about God." The judge lectured him, saying witnesses don't get to ask questions, even if they are cranky old curmudgeonly commentators. He's got a point though. Have you ever wondered about God? Why would he help anyone tell the truth? What's he going to do if I don't tell the truth, send a plague of locusts or some frogs? Make my eyebrows bushier? What really bugs me is people who bring God into the courtroom. I'm sure he has nothing better to do with his time. He's got his hands full making cute little kittens, helping Tiger Woods sink a 20-foot putt, giving Grammy Award-winning singers those clear high notes, and trying to talk the College of Cardinals out of electing John Bolton as the new Pope. God doesn't care if I tell the truth, I'm a commentator not a reporter. I get paid to make things up. And what about potato chip bags? Have you tried to open one lately......

What If They Held a Referendum And Nobody Came?

Last month voters in Black Hawk County, Iowa went to the polls to choose whether to extend a local sales tax. When no one in the town of Jesup voted — either for or against it — officials wondered whether that meant it passed or failed. The Iowa Secretary of State's Office decided it failed, since "Unless there are more votes for 'yes' than 'no', it doesn't pass." It turns out it doesn't matter anyway since the town wouldn't have seen a penny of the sales tax even had it passed. It seems part of the town is in Black Hawk County and part is in Buchanan. Since the distribution is based on the 20000 census — when no one lived in the Black Hawk part — they wouldn't have seen any money had the 27 people who live there bothered to vote. It just proves that not voting for voter apathy is the same as voting for it.

No Wonder His Name Wasn't John Paul Girlie Man

A lot of praise has been heaped on Pope John Paull II in recent days, but none as deep, incisive, and heartfelt as that uttered by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger when he described the Pope as "a very physical guy and very good at sports." Hey, that's nicer than anything he's said about members of the California legislature, state nurses, or teachers.

Who Needs Great America When You Have Great Expectations?

If you're looking for someplace new to go on vacation, consider Dickensworld, a theme park based on the life and works of Charles Dickens which is being built in Kent, England. Sure seeing children working in sweatshops and creepy older men hanging around groups of young kids sounds a lot like touring a Nike factory or the Neverland Ranch, but this is different. You'll scream with delight as you walk through the spooky Bleak House, ride the Oliver Twisty roller coaster, and see David Copperfield performing nightly. After you leave you're sure to say, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Contact your travel agent today!

And You Think Ron Jeremy is Old

Archeologists in Germany have unearthed the world's oldest porn — two 7,200-year-old Stone Age figurines which they say show a couple having sex. Harald Stäuble of the Archaeological Institute of Saxony says the way the figures are bent over means: "There are two ways of looking at this. The first is that they were doing a ritual dance, but the other possibility is that the man and woman were copulating and that he was standing behind her." Yes, the title of this blog has a long pedigree.

That Is So Annoying

Martha Stewart asked a judge to let her out of the rest of her five-month house arrest — or should we say, mansion arrest — because it's making it difficult to produce her two new upcoming TV series. Not to mention that the electronic monitoring bracelet she has to wear on her ankle chafes her skin. Prosecutor Michael Schachter responded by saying, "Minor inconvenience to one's ability to star in a television show is an insufficient ground for resentencing." The judge has the option of granting her a new sentencing hearing, rejecting the request outright, or recommending that she find something more relaxing to do with her time other than working, such as planting wheat so she has flour to bake cookies for the court or crocheting electronic monitoring bracelet covers to match each of her outfits.

I Ain't Afraid Of No Hard Drive

If you've got a ghost in the machine, a Japanese company has the answer — a USB ghost detector. Just plug GhostRadar into the back of your computer and it will beep and flash red lights when a ghost looks over your shoulder to read your email. Yuichiro Saito, Vice President of SolidAlliance, says, "This is not a game. This is a measuring device." Just to be safe, they've built in a 512 meg USB memory storage device, a great place to save the photos you snap of your ethereal visitors. GhostRadar will set you back US$185 in Japan and is on the way to the U.S. It joins the company's popular Sushi Disk, a USB thumbdrive that looks like sushi, and i-Duck, which has a glowing rubber duckie on it. Coming soon to a USB slot near you: the NoBugz bug zapper; Wend-eez, the thumbdrive that looks like a severed thumb covered in chili; and i-Hunt, which has a derringer attached so you can shoot the i-Duck on the back of that other guy's computer.

Use Head & Shoulders, Save The Environment

German researchers say dandruff contributes to pollution. A new study found unexpectedly large amounts of the flaky stuff in aerosol pollutants, right alongside human and animal skin particles, fur, pollen, algae, fungi, and viruses. These particles absorb heat to warm the air, reflect sunlight to cool it, act as the nucleus for ice crystals which turn into clouds and rain, and look unsightly on black blouses, navy suit jackets, and dark colored pillows. Procter & Gamble, the manufacturer of Head & Shoulders and a serial ampersand user, is expected to have a new ad campaign out soon: "Eliminate dandruff, not polar ice caps."