Lingua Mortua Sola Lingua Bona Est *

Mel Gibson, energized by a hit movie completely in Aramaic — a language nobody's spoken since about 500 BC — decided he was onto something. That's why the new movie he's about to start shooting, Apocalypto, takes place 600 years ago in Mexico and will be entirely in the extinct Mayan tongue of Yucateco. Probably with subtitles in Tasmanian. If crowds turn out for a movie in a language they don't understand that doesn't even mention Jesus — at least not a mention anyone will understand — don't be surprised to see Gibson continue his Dead Language Film Festival by releasing epics in Coptic, Pelasgian, Klingon, and Pig Latin.

* The only good language is a dead language.

Oh Say, Can You Rebel

Everyone needs a theme song. But where to find one? After all, the Rolling Stones' new song Streets of Love is already being used on the soap opera Days of Our Lives. And Madonna's Hung Up, will be featured on CSI: Miami and CSI: NY. So what's a poor rebel group in Sri Lanka supposed to do? If you're the Tamil Tigers you put out word that you want a catchy national anthem, one that should "contain 18 lines — catchy and lively and in pure Tamil." That shouldn't be too hard. Especially when you realize that when they raise their flag now they play a song titled Look the Flag is Rising. Snappy lyrics, huh? Money might be a problem, but they should look into a translation of He's a Rebel, Eye of the Tiger, or Rebel Rebel.

Home Is Where Your Wallet Is

PART I - Want to live in Marthaville? It won't go by that name, but Martha Stewart is partnering with KB Homes to build 650 houses in Cary, NC. The actual name? KB Home Twin Lakes: Homes Created with Martha Stewart. Did someone mention the word "home"? The houses will feature large laundry rooms, furnishings by K-Mart, and special hooks to hang your electronic monitoring ankle bracelet.

PART II - Michael Jackson is packing up Neverland Ranch and moving to Bahrain. Yes, the country in the Persian Gulf. No word on how his make-up holds up in the heat, if Bubbles is making the trip, or whether Martha Stewart will be doing his decorating.

Does Merlot Go With A Mammogram?

Here's what you've been looking for guys, a chance to offer your date a breast exam without seeming like a letch. Just take her to the Good Samaritan Hospital in San Jose, CA for "Make It A Date" night. That's right, they're lowering the lights, will have a mandolin player to serenade you, and will serve sparkling cider to create the proper mood for your prostate exam or mammogram. Sure whine is more common than wine when you get a rectal exam, but this is, after all, the New Millennium. The doctors recommend you wait until at least the second date before going to "Make It A Date" night. After all, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who sticks around after you recommend a breast exam on the first date, do you?

Ken's Extreme Makeover

Barbie and Ken split last year after 43 years of happy, out-of-wedlock fun. If you remember, she dumped him for an Australian boogie boarder named Blaine. Blaine? Well, no wonder it didn't work out. Now Mattel says they're getting ready to give Ken an Extreme Makeover that will hopefully patch things up between the plastic lovebirds. It might have to do with sales of Barbie tanking. Or it might have to do with Bratz being popular. Then again, maybe it was Ken's hair.

FOR SALE: Slightly Used Political Party

Have you ever dreamed about owning your own political party? Well, if you're in England you can do it. The MP3 Party is not only registered with the UK Electoral Commission, it's for sale on eBay. If you're the lucky winner you get to replace all the leaders with your own, use the party's logo any way you like, and of course run for office. Sure it's in the UK, but you have to start somewhere. After all, Parliament wasn't built in a day, you know.

A Rocky Ending?

Thirty years after Rocky Balboa first made his way into the ring, Sylvester Stallone is bringing him back. For the —*yawn*— sixth time. According to sources, the movie will be about Rocky coming out of retirement to fight a few local fights for the fun of it, then being offered a shot at whupping the champ. Wow, that's a storyline stretch. Will Rocky take another million-to-one shot? Will the 60-year-old actor have to fight in a wheelchair? Will Adrian finally ask him to quit doing his Brando "Stella!" imitation? And most importantly, will Mr. T come out of retirement to be in the film or will he just pity the poor sucker? The suspense is killing me.

When You Really Need to Van Gogh

Constipated? Irregular? Try an all-natural cure — visit an art museum. That's right, a study in Sweden shows that viewing and discussing art not only gives people a more positive attitude, but helps lower their high blood pressure and relieve constipation. So far there's no word on what type of art offers the best results, so poker playing dogs may offer as much relief as impressionist scenes, though remember, Thomas Kincaid paintings have been known to cause extreme nausea. The important thing is to discuss art Dali — I mean, daily — for best results.

Oh Yeah? Sez Who?

To the whoever it was at Associated Press who decided to take the poll in which 70% of the people questioned said Americans are ruder now than they were 20 0r 30 years ago...what the hell's it to you?

Mick's Little Helper

The daytime soap opera Days of Our Lives is 40 years old. The Rolling Stones have been touring for 40 years. What better way to celebrate two middle-age anniversaries than to debut a music video on a tearjerker show for housewives? Meanwhile, British newspaper The Sun says the band has been keeping a defibrillator backstage on this tour. It doesn't say if it's for anyone in particular, but hey, those stage hands can be pretty frail. As Mick once said, "What a drag it is getting old."

Just Try Not To Think About The Homework

The first day of school is always nerve wracking, and it was no different yesterday when 120 students showed up for a Vatican university's school of exorcism. The four-month course, called "Exorcism and the Prayer of Liberation," is being offered by the Pontifical Regina Apostolorum University, or "good old PRAU" as it's known around the Vatican. Courses include Advanced Head Spin Stopping, Cleaning Up Pea Soup Puke, Dress For Success - Staying Warm During Exorcisms, and Sequels 201, 301, 401 and 501.

When Snakes Become Pigs

First there was the 13-foot python in Florida whose eyes were bigger than its stomach, so much bigger that it burst when it tried to swallow a 6-foot alligator. Then another one, with a more reasonable appetite this time, chowed down a year-old Siamese cat named Frances. Now a third python has struck, this time slithering through a fence, swallowing a pre-Thanksgiving turkey, and getting stuck because it was too fat to get back through the fence. A tip to you pythons out there: tapas is in. Stick to small plates. You'll live freer and longer.

Smells Like Teen Angst

Move over Britney, Beckham, and Beyonce, Marilyn Manson says he's planning to launch his own fragrance early next year. He told Women's Wear Daily that one of the major fragrance companies will release it and that he was "inspired by the Dali-Schiaparelli collaborations." Heady stuff for an Antichrist Superstar. He hopes the fragrance will lead to a full cosmetics line that will come in three shades: white, black, and red. Marcel Marceau, Robert Smith of the Cure, and Dracula impersonators all say they welcome the addition to their make-up kits.

Like An Unorthodox Virgin

Some rabbis in Israel are having a hissy fit because Madonna — or is it Esther now? — is including a song on her next album about the founder of her beloved Kabbalah, 16th-century Jewish mystic Rabbi Isaac Luria. The orthodox religious leaders who have their yarmulkes all in a knot say the song, titled Isaac, is blasphemous. Actually, it's the latest in a string of Jewish rock hits. It turns out that Michael Jackson's Ben was actually about David Ben Gurion, Kiss' Beth was an ode to Temple Beth Shalom, Oops!...I Did It Again is about accidentally breaking the fast on Yom Kippur, and Madonna's own Holiday was about celebrating Hanukkah.

No O.J. This Morning, Thanks

Ten years after being acquitted on murder charges, O.J. Simpson made an autograph signing appearance at the Los Angeles NecroComicon comic book convention but, alas, no one cared. Except the media, of course. About a dozen people showed up to check out the $95 autographed photos and T-shirts and $125 autographed football jerseys and helmets, being grossly outnumbered by reporters and camera crews. His spokesperson says it was a "dry run for possible future public appearances." Not to mention a chance to search for the real killer who apparently gave up golf and now collects comic books.

In Da Bginnin God Cre8d Nokia

The Bible Society in Australia has gone and translated all 31,173 verses of the Bible into text messages that can be sent as SMS over cell phones. True it would take more than 30,000 messages and cost as much as $750 to send them all, but really, you can't put a price on clogging bandwidth. I mean, passing along god's word. Remember: U, Lord, r my shepherd. I will neva be in need. Xcept 4 mo minutes.

Separated At Birth?

The Department of Energy has launched a national public service advertising blitz called the Energy Efficiency Campaign that features a supposedly new character, the Energy Hog. As they say, everything old is new again.

Apple Isn't Sounding So Bad After All

Nicolas Cage's wife gave birth to a boy on Monday. They named him Kal-el. You know, as in Superman's name when he was born on Krypton. Don't be surprised if Jor-El — I mean, Cage —legally changes his son's name to Superbaby next year, then when he's 8 years old to Superboy, and once he's of legal age, Superman. In related news, 19-year-old actor Shia LaBeouf says celebrities should stop giving their children weird names like this. He says he was teased while growing up because of his strange name, which he says means, "thank God for beef," but only if you're a Jewish actor from L.A. who can't spell either Arabic or French.

Bozo To The O.R. STAT

A study in Italy found that having a clown in the operating room made children who were undergoing surgery relax more. While the clowns did a good job of distracting the children until anesthesia was administered, doctors and nurses found them to be annoying. Buzzkills. Future studies may include the use of jugglers, magicians, and fire eaters, but not mimes. Researchers consider it too risky to put mimes in the same room with anyone who has scalpels and other sharp instruments close by.

"I'll Never Forget Paris"

Paris Hilton has called off her five-month engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis. Us Weekly says the Paris of the First realized that "this is the right decision for me." Apparently this epiphany occurred after seeing Ashton and Demi tie the knot. It dawned on her that there's more to marriage than a 24 carat, $5 million diamond engagement ring, a husband who's a mere two years younger, and being able to call out your name during sex and having your husband think you're referring to him.