Why Do You Think They Call Him Rummy?

On Tuesday, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stopped the Iraqi insurgency - by banning the use of the word insurgent. He suggested that as a substitute reporters call them "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government." Or EOTLIGs for short. He's expected to start calling the Iraqi war the "Gulf unpleasantness," refer to dead U.S. soldiers as "permanently immobilized forces," and talk about maimed Iraqi civilians as "flotsam."

You Can't Spell "Corpse" without C-R-O-P

A professor at the University of Northern Iowa is trying to get a government grant to start a body farm. You know, where they bury human bodies and watch them decompose so CSI can more accurately depict the process and boost its ratings. It would be the second body farm in the U.S, the other being at the University of Tennessee's Forensic Anthropology Center where for 30 years they've been watching bodies decay after burying them in shallow dirt graves, submerging them in a pond, and exposing them to bugs and rats. Kind of like Fear Factor for the dead. And they say small farms are dying off.

Testicular Towing Service

Tu Jin-Sheng, the grandmaster of a branch of Qigong called Iron Crotch, towed a truck several yards using his penis. He tied fabric around the base of his penis and testicles, made sure it was on tight, had an assistant "kick him hard between the legs," then attached the fabric to the truck and yanked. I mean, pulled. It's not clear what the hard kick was for, but then I prefer calling AAA so what do I know?

Talking Turkey

- And you think you ate too much? - 105-pound Sonya Thomas beat seven men in the GoldenPalace.com Thanksgiving Invitational by chowing down a whole 10-pound roasted bird in 12 minutes. She walked away with $2,500 and hopefully no appetite.

- But will she be stuffed? - Ruth M. Siems, who helped find the ideal bread crumb size for Stove Top stuffing, died of a heart attack yesterday. The instant gratification stuffing, 60 million boxes of which are sold around Thanksgiving, was patented in 1975. Eaters are requested to have a forkful of silence in her honor today.

- The World's Biggest Turkey - Tom "Understated" Cruise bought fiancee Katie Holmes an early Christmas present. He bought her a sonogram machine so they can watch Baby Cruise grow, and he didn't even wait for the post-Thanksgiving sales. Hey, it beats sitting around watching Cocktail again.

It's Good To Have Goals In Life

What's the top priority in a German's life? Love? Money? Raising a family? A new BMW every year? Nein. According to a recent survey, nine out of ten Germans think the most important goal in life is to have good academic degrees. Who needs a soul mate if you can put "Ph.D" after your name?

Desperate Towns Call For Desperate Names

The water board of Santa, Idaho, the only governing body they have in the town, voted to accept a proposal to rename the town SecretSanta.com. Apparently Santa wasn't silly enough and StupidIdea.com was already taken. This follows on the heels of Clark, Texas, which recently changed its name to Dish to honor the satellite service, and Halfway, Oregon which started the recent name change fad when it became Half.com for a year. Don't be surprised if Washington, DC takes the name of the reality show and becomes Big Brother, Knoxville morphs into K-Y Jelly, KY, and you're asked to donate money to save the Amazon.com Rain Forest.

Put Her On The No-Fly List. Fast.

Sadrine Helene Sellies was flying from Hong Kong to Brisbane, Australia on Saturday when she craved a cigarette. Not wanting to bother her fellow passengers, she did the courteous thing — she walked to one of the emergency exits with an unlit cigarette and a lighter in her hand and tried to open the door. She was arrested, put on probation and, despite her excuse that she took sleeping pills with alcohol before takeoff, has been known to sleepwalk, and the dog ate her common sense, was put on probation.

A Taste Of The Wildlife

The Chiang Mai Night Safari Zoo in Thailand is opening on New Year's Day, and as a part of the festivities they're having an "Exotic Buffet" that will feature dog, tiger, lion, elephant, and giraffe. Not as guests or on display, but as main dishes. Oh my! Coming soon, a sushi bar at the Bangkok Aquarium and a campaign urging people to "Eat more baby seal."

A Pop Quiz

QUESTION: What is wrong with this sentence?

"Come to California. Maybe Maria's going to cook some wienerschnitzel when you come!"

- California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
in a speech at a trade show in Beijing

ANSWER: Everything.

Olympic-Sized Indecision

First there were no Olympic mascots. Then in 1968 the Red Jaguar appeared in Mexico City. Since then there's been a daschund, a beaver, a half-human half-sheep dog, and a computer generated something or other for the 1996 Atlanta games. The Sydney games had three mascots, Nagano had four, and now in a fit of indecision there will be five (count 'em, 5!) for the 2008 games in Beijing — a fish, panda, Tibetan antelope, swallow, and yes, a walking Olympic Flame. And they don't mean Greg Louganis. Look for the 2012 London games to have 27 mascots, which is one for every gold medal the country has ever won in the winter Olympics. Well, assuming they win one more.

Salmon Chanted Evening

If you're the type who likes to drink your meals, pick up a Holiday Pack of Jones Soda for Thanksgiving. It includes Brussels Sprout with Prosciutto, Cranberry Sauce, Turkey & Gravy, Wild Herb Stuffing, and Pumpkin Pie. And yes, they're sodas. Of course some of these are old news — they had Cranberry and Turkey & Gravy last year too. However, if you want something really special to impress your dinner guests, get someone in Seattle, where Jones Soda is located, to grab a Regional Holiday Pack for you. It includes Smoked Salmon Paté soda. Yum! Even Peter van Stolk, CEO of the company admits the salmon is a bit much. "I cannot finish a bottle, I just can't." Don't forget to save room for the Pepto Bismol.

There's No Word For "Satire" In Kazakh

Borat may be getting sued. Yes, the Kazakh Foreign Ministry is threatening legal action against the bogus TV reporter from Kazakhstan who is actually Sacha Baron Cohen, better known as Ali G. Apparently someone in the Foreign Ministry office saw Borat on the MTV Europe Music Awards where, as usual, he poked fun at the central Asian country no one's heard of, in spite of its being the world's ninth largest country. The good news is this means people in Kazakhstan must finally be getting TV sets since Borat's been appearing on Da Ali G Show since March of 2000.

Deliver Them From Temptation

The Senate added a provision to a defense policy bill that would pull the security clearance from "any government official who knowingly discloses national security secrets." Gee, the next thing you know they'll say murderers shouldn't be allowed to have guns and convicted drug dealers shouldn't be allowed to have drugs.

Nostro-damn-us

First 700 Club host Pat "Let's assassinate Hugo Chavez" Robertson told the good people of Dover, Pennsylvania, that because they voted their school board out of office for supporting intelligent (sic) design they shouldn't be surprised if they're struck by disaster and God doesn't lift a finger to help them. Apparently God's a compassionate (sic) conservative too. Then Fox News talk-show host Bill "Fair but Mentally Unbalanced" O'Reilly, upset that San Francisco passed an anti-handgun law and an ordinance discouraging military recruiters in the schools — in the same election, no less, told al Qaeda that "Every other place in America is off limits to you except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead." It's so hard to vote without retribution these days.

Better Bras Or Bust

Like the combustion engine, bras have been around for a long time with just minor improvements. Okay, Wonderbra excepted. But that's changing. China's biggest lingerie manufacturer, which makes more than 60 million bras a year for big time labels including Victoria's Secret, has been trying out new paddings, including air (which can go flat), oil (expensive and heavy), and the stuffing they use in ski parkas. Hey, it's better than using a rare Greenwing parrot like a Florida woman got, uh, busted for when she stole it by stuffing it down her bra. Meanwhile in Japan they've come out with the Warm Biz Bra that's lined with warm, fuzzy fabric and has gel-filled bra pads that can be heated up in a microwave. Toasty ta-tas, indeed! But look to Hong Kong for the next generation of bras. After all, you can get a degree in bra studies at Hong Kong's Polytechnic University. Which brings up another question: How do you break the news to Mom and Dad that you've changed your major from law to bra studies?

Early Xmas Gift Ideas

It's never too soon to start making your Christmas gift list. Don't worry, you still have plenty of time to procrastinate and wait until Christmas Eve to actually buy the stuff. To get you started, here are two early ideas:

1. Know someone who needs a French Fry Holder for their car? Who doesn't? It sits in what used to be a cup holder, holds your fries (hence the snappy product name), and even has a little cup for ketchup. Now where to put that Western Bacon Cheeseburger while you're trying to dial the cell phone....hmmmmm

2. A U.S. company is set to market socks made of corn. You know, the stuff they make cornbread, popcorn, and that cob thing out of. They're being released in Japan because, well, there must be suckers born there more often than every minute. If you already have corns on your feet, keep your eye out for the new bunion socks coming soon.

So How Do You Explain The Three Stooges?

A team of researchers at the Stanford University School of Medicine reports the shocking news that when it comes to humor, men and women see things differently. I always knew a difference between the sexes would come to light if we threw enough money into looking for it. They discovered that women are more analytical in their response to a joke while men are less discriminating. In other words, women are more likely to enjoy a joke because they don't always expect it to be funny. Men, on the other hand, hear "A penguin and a rabbi walked into a bar" and are prepared to laugh. In summation: men are easy, women have low expectations. Heck, I could have told you that.

At Least They Didn't Rename Uranus

An asteroid that was discovered by Bulgarian astronomers is being called 2005 UT12, at least until they officially rename it after Azis, a gay transvestite gypsy folk singer. Next in line? Comet Divine, Planet Hedwig, and the supernova that flamed out, RuPaul.

Thumbless in Las Vegas

If Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman has his way, anyone found guilty of defacing public property with graffiti would have his or her thumbs cut off. On TV no less. And why not, you don't need thumbs to pull the handle on a slot machine, do you? He also thinks whipping and caning children should be brought back. And claims he's serious. "In the old days in France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes." They also had a habit of beheading their rulers. Remember Louis XVI, Marie Antoinette, and Elizabeth, the king's sister? Careful Goodman.

Shit Or Get Off The Assembly Line

Apparently there's no gas shortage at the Ford Truck plant in Wayne, MI. In fact, it seems their employees may have too much gas. According to a memo handed out the other day, supervisors are starting to keep an eye on how long workers spend in the bathroom because lingering in the loo is slowing down production. Hourly workers are allowed 48 minutes per shift for bathroom breaks. That's 6 minutes per hour, which is barely enough time to read the sports section, better yet the op-ed page and Ann Landers. Chrysler says they're not going to follow suit because it would be "too anal," even though their workers get 2 minutes less per shift. And yes, there's an "f" in that last word.

Coming Up Empty

In an interview with an Argentine newspaper in advance of his arrival for a 34-nation presidential summit, George Bush was asked what he had in his pockets. Aside from lobbyists, of course. He reached in his pocket, pulled out a white handkerchief, and said, "Es todo. No dinero, no mas. No wallet." Or, uh, cartera in Spanish. That's right — no keys, no cell phone, no nail clippers, no money. And you thought it was only our pockets he emptied...

We Know Where You Live Elmo

Forget tickling Elmo, that's so-o-o last millennium. This Christmas' edition is "Knows Your Name Elmo," a doll that can greet a child by name right out of the box. Well, as long as the parents can use the supplied CD-ROM and USB cable to download the child's name without having to ask their kid for help. Yeah, fat chance. Elmo can tell stories, sing songs, and even remind a child when it's time for breakfast. Parents can personalize Elmo even more by entering additional information, including the child's favorite color, birthday, social security number, and FBI dossier record locator number. There's also a Winnie The Pooh version, but who cares?