Contains Parts That May Need Assembling

First a taxi driver in Tasmania misdelivered a foam box containing a human eyeball, handing it to a hotel guest by mistake. Considering it was marked "Live human organs for transplant," the guest should have known not to sign for it. Then a doctor in Slovenia sat down to a nice plate of chicken risotto in the hospital cafeteria only to find a strange piece of meat in it that turned out to be part of a human tongue. Cafeteria managers explained it away by saying it might have been accidentally dropped in the food by a doctor who came straight from surgery. Then yesterday a nurse in Philadelphia admitted to cutting body parts from 244 corpses and selling the pieces to tissue banks for transplanting. No word on whether he's been in Slovenia recently or mistyped an address label to Tasmania.

Can't You Read The Sign?

Samak Sundaravej, the new prime minister of Thailand, is known as "Mr. Rose Apple Nose" because, well, many people think his nose looks like the fruit. Now sign language interpreters are in hot water because they use a dignitary's most unique physical appearance as shorthand when they refer to them, and for Samak they hold their nose. You have to wonder which finger they use when they refer to George Bush.

Beauty's Only Skin Tuck Deep

To prepare for Carnival, Brazilian model Angela Bismarchi will have nylon wires implanted in her eyes to give them an Asian slant, this so she'll fit in with her samba group's theme this year, the centennial of Japanese immigration to Brazil. This will be her 42nd plastic surgery, putting her dangerously close to the Guinness World Record, which is 47 surgical procedures. Luckily her husband is a plastic surgeon. As was her husband before him. "What do you want to do this weekend, darling?" "How about my cheekbones?"

That's Mom, Not Maim

Robert Glasser and Joey Acosta of Chaparral, N.M., were tracing a loaded .357-caliber Magnum as a pattern for a tattoo when — Whoops! — the gun went off, hitting Glasser in the hand and Acosta in the arm. Maybe in the future they should stick to tattoos of Charles Darwin.

But Officer, I Was Only Going To A Bondage Convention

A 16-year-old boy was arrested when he got off a Southwest Airlines flight in Nashville for plotting to hijack the plane. Apparently he had handcuffs, rope, and duct tape in his carry-on bag, which hopefully was safely stowed in the overhead compartment or under the seat. It's good to know TSA was on the ball when he went through security. At least we can sleep well knowing his shoes weren't loaded.

Stay Home, Lose Weight

A study published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research (motto: "This article's all in your head") found that extroverted men are nearly two times more likely to be obese as introverts, while the more anxious are twice as likely to be underweight as those who stay cooler. The moral? Hole up at home alone doing yoga all the time and you'll be able to fit in your prom clothes again.

Offal News

Scotland is lobbying the United States to lift the ban on the importation of Scottish haggis, which has been in place since Britain's outbreak of mad cow disease. They're convinced the national dish, which contains sheep heart, liver, and lungs wrapped inside the stomach lining, would sell well among those who have no taste buds and can't read a content label. If the U.S. refuses to lift the ban, a trade war could erupt and Scotland could retaliate by stopping Slim Jims, S'mores cereal, and peanut butter slices from coming into the country.

The Smell Of Desperation

Tired of counting on cocktails to find a mate? Is online dating wearing your fingers out but not uncovering your soul mate? Come on, this is the 21st century, use DNA. A Boston-based company, Love Sciences, will analyze your DNA and match you up with someone who has different immune system genes from yourself. They say this means they'll have opposite pheromones, which according to the company means your partner will smell sexier, you'll have a more satisfying sex life, woman will have more orgasms, you'll have healthier children, and you'll be less likely to cheat. All for only $1,995.95. Alas, it won't cut your hair , keep your car shinier, or grill without fat, but it does mean you and your prospective partner both have money to burn and, after all, isn't it important to find someone who's in a similar financial position?

Now He Had A Dream

Former president Bill Clinton dozed off during a service to honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. at the Convent Avenue Baptist Church in Harlem yesterday. Not surprising since he's had a long couple of days slagging Barack Obama about his Reagan comment. Hey, it's not easy campaigning for the Democratic nomination, you know. I mean, helping your wife campaign for the Democratic nomination.

Lies, Damned Lies, And Your Lies

A survey in England found that most of us lie once a week. Okay, I was lying. Actually you do it more like five times a day if you're a guy and three times a day if you're a woman. The survey, taken for vodka maker WKD, says the number one lie is "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine" followed by "Nice to see you"and "I never lie." Honestly!

Crossing Lindsay

As part of her punishment for driving drunk and driving drunk again, Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to spend two four-hour days at the morgue so she can see the consequences of drinking and driving firsthand. As if her two months of rehab, community service, and 84 painful minutes in jail didn't show her enough. She hasn't decided yet whether she'll play the part of Jill Hennessy in Crossing Jordan, Kay Scarpetta from Body of Evidence, or Jack Klugman from Quincy, M.E.

It Must Have Been Written In The Stars

After 40 years, The Astrological Magazine announced that it will cease publication as of the December 2007 issue. The reason? According to their website, "We regret to announce that due to unforeseen circumstances beyond our control..." Maybe they should have stuck to something more reliable, like reading tea leaves.

Is That A Red Bulb On Your Nose Or Are You Trying To Kill Me?

What do Bozo, Ronald McDonald, and John Wayne Gacy have in common? They're all scary. A study published in Nursing Standard magazine found that when 250 hospitalized children were surveyed to help decide how best to redecorate the children's ward, every single one of the kids said they dislike clowns and think they're scary. Gee, the next thing you know we'll find out that rainbows, unicorns, and Smurfs cause nightmares too.

Mona Who?

After years of heated debate, a researcher in Germany has uncovered evidence confirming that Lisa del Giocondo, the wife of a Florentine businessman, is the woman behind the Mona Lisa's famous smile. Perhaps, but the smile also bears an uncanny resemblance to a famous pop star who's gone bonkers and lost her kids to her mohawk-wearing ex who rues the day he met her.

The Price Of Pleasure

A study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that people who were told the wine they were drinking was from a $90 bottle showed increased activity in the area of the brain that registers pleasure, even if the wine was two-buck chuck. "People believe that more expensive prices are correlated with higher quality," explains Antonio Rangel, the lead author of the study. Please, pretend you paid $1,500 to read this. Now read it again. See how much more you enjoyed it?

A Snowball's Chance In Hell?

For the first time in memory, snow fell in Baghdad Friday morning. It was light and didn't stick, but it was snow nevertheless. Gee, the next thing you know we'll get out of there, leave them alone, and clean up the mess we've made of the place. Yeah right. There's a snowball's chance in Baghdad of that happening.

A Vegan Cornputer

Fujitsu is showing a cornputer at the CES show in Las Vegas. It's a laptop with a case made from corn. Okay, corn polymers mixed 50/50 with petroleum-based plastic so it's rigid. And no, it isn't biodegradable. Nor is it green in the literal sense. It's black. No word on what happens if the battery overheats like the Sony ones were. Will you end up with a popcornputer?

A 100-Watt Wilbur

A cloned pig whose genes were altered to make it glow fluorescent green from its snout, trotters, and tongue has passed on the Day-Glo trait to its kids. A professor at the Northeast Agricultural University in China says this could lead to the breeding of pigs for human transplant organs. Why anyone would want a fluorescent kidney or liver is a mystery, but if they can get the glow a little brighter the pigs might make a good replacement for energy inefficient incandescent bulbs.

Rice, Rice, Baby

What do you do if you have a new baby but can't travel around so you can show it off to all the relatives? If you're in Japan you send a cuddly bag of rice with the baby's face printed on it as a surrogate. They're called Dakigokochi, and a rice shop in Fukuoka is making a new kind that's selling like, well, hot rice cakes. The rice-filled bags are custom-made to weigh as much as the child, have the baby's face and name printed on them, and supposedly kinda sorta feel like you're holding a new-born. The only problem so far is that once people are done with the cuddling they have a hard time opening the bags so they can eat the rice. I wonder how you say Ziploc in Japanese?

Let's See Your iPhone Do This!

Looking for a cool new holster for your Taser? Sure you can get one in red, pink, or leopard print, but really, that's so last year. What you want is the product Taser International introduced over the weekend at the CES Show in Las Vegas — a Taser holster with a 1GB MP3 music player built in for only $72.99. Just think, now you can listen to the "Don't Tase me, bro!" clip while incapacitating someone. It doesn't get much better than this. Well, at least until they offer a holster with video.

The Late Show With Ironside

David Letterman returned to the air Wednesday by channeling Raymond Burr. The show featured a monologue, Robin Williams, and Letterman's full, gray beard, which he says he might shave on Monday. Then again, he might move the show to San Francisco, gain a couple hundred pounds, sit behind the desk in a wheel chair, and surround himself with three young upcoming hosts who do all the work.

Talk About Being Undecided

The Iowa caucuses are today, followed in two days by the Wisconsin caucuses no one's heard of, the New Hampshire primary, etc, etc, et cetera. As of yesterday, 30% percent of Iowa Democrats and half of the Republicans say they're still undecided about who to vote for. How to choose...how to choose.... Platform? Morals? Religion? How they look naked? Why not? Last month an Australian magazine surveyed voters about the candidates for prime minister and found that twice as many people wanted to see 50-year-old Kevin Rudd naked than 68-year-old John Howard. Of course a full 50% didn't want to see either one sans clothes. Rudd won the election. In case you want to use this method, at the left is a little quiz to see how well you know — or fantasize about — the candidates.

Dream Jobs

We're always told we should follow our interests when choosing a career, which is why it's nice to hear that over 7,000 people from more than 30 countries applied for the job as CBO of the Four Points hotel chain. CBO, of course, is Chief Beer Officer, and the part-time job entails visiting breweries, beer festivals, and bars to select the beers served at the hotels. It may not be as easy as CBT (Chief Bed Tester), nor as likely to make you go on a diet as CFS (Chief Food Sampler), but it's a pretty heady job to put on your resume. *hic*